You know what I can’t stand?
Tattoos. Yeah, I said it. Ohhhh wow, the Constantly Dramatic One doesn’t like tattoos. Call the Cool Police, some bitch is not bending to what the masses think is cool.
Here’s the thing, I don’t hate them….I merely think that they are tacky. Some of them turn out to be great, works of art in fact. Elfie has a bitchin tattoo on her back that even I have to admit, albeit, begrudgingly is pretty awesome. But most tattoos….not so much.
Here’s the thing, tattoos are tacky. I mean, there’s a chance of 3 out of 5 if you would to go to any tattoo parlour that you might possibly come out with a tacky-ass tattoo. And here’s the deal: it is a permanent. Sure, you can laser it off but it just ends up with a bigass scar. And a bigass tattoo scar is just one step down from a massive neon sign on your forehead saying “I am a fucking dumbass”.
Now, I know at this point I am offending a shitload of people who thinks tattoos are so cool. Or maybe I’m not. Who reads this crap anymore anyways? Fuck if I know. I just got a giant beaver crawled up my ass and now I am overcome with the need to bitch about it.
People say they get tattoos cause it symbolizes individually, cause it makes them look edgy and badass, cause its cool. Bitch, ain’t nothing individual about something that every other Tom, Dick and Mariah can get. I know people here who have never left the country, who have never participated in any cultural activities that is not part of their cultural background, and have never ever been in contact with an indigenous person- suddenly, think they all deep and shit because they got some tribal tattoo that says “faith” or “hope” or “love” or some other lameass shit like that.
Fucking with me.
Who the fuck are you to have a tribal tattoo? Who? Back in the day, tribal warriors are tattooed because they fought for something. They proved themselves. They have to kill a jungle cat or a crazed baboon or something...but definitely not a koala. Therefore they get tattoos to show what a big deal of a warrior they are. They earned it. It’s their reward.
You on the other hand: is a white collar, spoilt piece of fuck that thinks he’s all that cause he paid some tattooist to inked some kind of tribal shit on his back- that makes no sense to either the tattooist or himself. But hey, that’s what getting a tribal tat all about right? Being badass cause you inked some shit you don’t understand on your skin. Unless of course “badass” in this plane of existence means “dumb piece of fuck”, which of course is what you are.
And then there those people who have Chinese calligraphy that says something like “destiny” or “other lameass bullshit”. And again, not understanding squat of Chinese. Cause its cool. In fact that’s a pattern that I’ve noticed. People getting words or language they don’t understand tattooed onto themselves. Like Chinese, Sanskrit, Latin or any other fancy schmancy languages. Why?
You don’t understand it. Your tattooist doesn’t understand it. The chance of you fucking it up is so high, it makes Mount Everest looks minuscule. So why do it? Whose to say that, that translation of the word or the phrase is correct? I speak Malay and you don’t so I’m gonna tell you that “Gampang” is “Destiny” and now you gonna walk around with a bigass tattoo of “Gampang” on your back cause you think its destiny. But its not bitch, its not. And now you're stuck with that for life.
And don't get me started on the naked women tattoos. Goddamn sonofabitch, that shit is tacky. Ain’t nothing else could seal your fate in the Douchebag Hall of Fame or secured you a permanent position in the Misogynist Fucktards biweekly club meeting faster then a tat of a blond girl, with big boobs and skinny waist getting tentacle rape by a giant octopus in a field of skeletons on your arm. Oh yeah, that’s sexy. As a woman, I have always want to marry and have lots and lots of babies with manly, tattooed men who like to watch their women getting tentacle fucked in a field of skeletons. Oh yeah, what a dreamboat.
And those lower back tattoo for women? They are called “Tramp stamps”. When I was growing up, I wanted to become a detective, a zoologist, a journalist, fuck- even the first female Prime Minister of Malaysia…but never have I ever wanted to be a “tramp” or want a stamp of being a tramp be branded onto me. Seriously.
I have to admit that some tattoos are pretty awesome. But very few and far between. Most of them are just tacky, and in the long run- a really fucking stupid decision that you can never take back. But I am alone in this one. No one else I know, or know of have anything against tattoos. The consensus is they’re cool.
And I’m the uncool fat kid standing in the corner realizing how stupid all you sheep are. Life’s tough like that.