Dude...I totally need to get laid

I totally stole this from Vegetable Assassin. It is basically a list of 5 fictional characters-that-I-would-like-to-fuck-their’s-brains-outs. In not so many words, of course…But yes, that’s the point basically. The first thing that came to my mind when reading was; “Damn, 5 wouldn’t cut it.” I mean….I has been doing the nasty with 2D, fictional, non-existing fictional character in this delusional head of mine since like forever. Five is such a restricting number but I shall endeavour, ya’ll. I shall endeavour.

Coming in at number 5:

Cho Hakkai of Gensoumaden Saiyuki.

Yes, yes….I know. An anime character. Don’t judge bitches, as if you never lust after an anime character. He's my favourite of the Saiyuki gang. He's polite, well-mannered and also the sneakiest, most manipulative and unexpectedly dangerous member of the Sanzo Party. He’s the type that would be asking how your day was with a smile on his face while stabbing you in the gut with a blunt knife...for added dramatic effect. Plus, he always has a book with him and a man (albeit a fictional, 2D, non-existing one) who reads always get my heart all-a-flutter. Also, he’s kind of a nerd which I like very, very much.

Number 4:

Greg Sanders of CSI Season 1-5

I specifically mentioned the seasons cause this dude was only hot in the first 5 seasons BEFORE CSI jumped the shark. I used to be obsessed with the show. I even own Seasons 1-5 on DVD yo and after that it just went down. Seriously, someone cancel the show already. It’s just a shadow of its former glory. Anyways, Greg Sanders: the Early Seasons was a hot piece of ass. This was still during his wisecracking-nerdy CSI worshipper-lab rat days. Ah those scenes of him wearing the lab coat, spewing all those scientific stuff I don’t understand and then smiling with those dimples….ahh….good times. So you can take the buffed up, CSI Sanders of today and give me the nerdy, lab rat of years gone by any day of the week.

Number 3:

Sandor Clegane aka “The Hound” of George R.R Martin’s epic high fantasy series:“A Song of Fire and Ice”.

Sandor is described in the book as monstrously ugly. The left side of his face is completely burnt, either by fire...or by a dragon. A dragon burnt his face y’all! No seriously think about that. How fucking awesome is that?! He has long black hair that he brushes over the burned section of his head where no hair grows. Basically, this is one ugly mofo....but Martin weaves his words so well that Sandor is portrayed as pretty damn sexy in the books.

Okay sure he kills and pillage...and oh rapes village wenches and then kidnaps Sansa Stark, who is betrothed to Prince Joffrey Baratheon and therefore the next in line to become Queen of the Realm. I mean come on, kidnapping the future queen? That shit is badass! Dragons and queen kidnapping! I am in awe with this man.

And I’m sorry okay, maybe some villages are just asking to be pillaged and plunder. The man was burnt by dragon’s breath, see if you don’t have issues as well if that shit would have happened to you. Sure he kills people for shit and giggles but but.....the man is sexy-ugly Let me be.

Number 2:

Luke Brandon from the Shopaholic Series

First of all, the Luke Brandon of my imagination does not look like Hugh Dancy. Though Dancy is sure easy on the eyes but the Luke in my head is much manlier....with broader shoulders. Same colouring and intensity but definitely hotter. That scene in the end of book 1 where he told Becky that he was both the bidder at the auction and the one on the phone burned into my memory and my subconscious....forever and ever. Fucking romantic.

Also the Luke, in the book is such a great guy. He’s clever and capable, but he is always perplexed when it comes to Becky and her zaniness, but he continues to love her despite it all. He completely embraced the saying “Women are to be loved, not to be understood” and I love that about him.

And yes, I know he doesn’t exist. And even if he does, he’s with Becky and I bow out gracefully from that.

Number 1:

Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Still hot!! I don’t care that Buffy ended almost a decade ago. Spike is one sexy mofo and he will continue to be a sexy mofo for all eternity. Spike was the sexiest vampire ever. He kills for fun and pleasure and makes no apology about it....that was until he fell in love with Buffy and then he was all pussified. Which sucked, but at least there was more screen time for Spike.

Also Spike, other than Xander, has the best lines in the whole show. The fucker was just funny. Funny, and sexy, and dangerous and he wore leather pants. Uuumm...leather pants. Oh be still, my throbbing loins. Plus did I ever tell you guys that I met James Masters, the dude who played Spike and he kinda.....well...something kinda happened? Nope? Okay next blog post then. Mwahahaha!

Till then bitches.

And oh I’m not sure who still reads my blog but if you are reading this and you would like to do this tag and hence waste precious moments of your youth....then go ahead my friend. Go ahead.

So very punk rock...but was it worth it?

I was watching some lameass True Hollywood Story on E! when my mom, oh so nonchalantly, mentioned that she and my dad would be going to a wedding this weekend. I can’t help but groaned as loudly as I can. I hate being forced to attend weddings.

“Siapa lak nak kahwin ni? Adik kena ikut ke? Malas lah mak….”
Who is getting married? Must I go? I’m soooo lazy to go….

“Hakim*, anak Kak Ina*.”
Hakim*, Kak Ina’s son.

“………………………..Bukan Hakim baru SPM ke hari tu?”
…………………………Didn’t Hakim sat for SPM this year?

“Uh huh”

“Mak. Kalau dia SPM tahun ni…bukan budak tu 17 ke?”
Mom, if he sat for SPM this year…wouldn’t that makes him 17?

“Uh huh.”

“Maaaaak!! Mak serious ke ni? Jangan main-main Mak. Adik dah macam nak pengsan dah ni. Giler ah. Budak tu 17 kan?”
Moooom! Are you serious? Don’t toy with me. I feel like I’m gonna faint now. This is crazy! The kid is 17!

“Eh, buat apa lak Mak nak tipu kau?”
Why would I want to lie to you?

Dude, how fucking insane is that? As scandalous and glamorous Keanu Reeves life was according to E!, it is nothing compared to finding out that your 17 year old nephew is getting married okay. Wait, his mom is my cousin…so that makes him my nephew right? Or is that second cousin? Whatevs. In any event it is still fucking insane. I followed my mom around the house for like half a day before she told me the story. However I feel like she is not telling me the whole thing, she just gave me the condense version. As if I’m a child whose innocence still needs to be protected. Oh God Mom, the age of innocence for me has ceased to exist a loooong time ago. Anyways, this is the story I managed to coax out of her:

So apparently my 17 year old nephew has a girlfriend. Apparently, they were also horny as fuck. Being horny as fuck and also stupid as fuck- in my opinion; they decided to uhhh….consummated their “love” in her bedroom. So apparently, the girl’s father caught them and held him at the point of a parang saying that if he doesn’t marry her, he’s gonna report it as rape. So that’s why they’re having a shotgun wedding (nikah bidan terjun) this weekend.

Dude, I told you it’s the condensed version. I kept on asking my mom for details. I was like “Uuhhh so were they like…uh doing it when the father walked in?” When the father threatened him with a parang, was he naked and running around the house?” “Was she naked?” “Was the Dad naked?” I mean seriously, I need details here to draw out the visual re-enactments in my head okay. But my Mom was all offended by the questions. I mean I have this image in my head, I can describe it to you but I rather write it out like a bad script from a trashy telenovela…






Guy: Mi amore! How I have yearned for your kisses, your caress, your luuuuurrvve….
Girl: Oh si si, I too have thirst for you. My luuurve, my moon and stars. Your flesh on mine. Your luuuurve in me.
Guy: Such sweet words my luurve. You are like a vision in a dream. A Goddess among mortals. I’m sooo damn horny I cannot even walk straight right now.
Girl: I cannot tahan anymore. I’m soo horny, I’m slurring my words. I am sooo drunk for your love. Now mi amore!! NOW!!”

***Please use your imagination for this part. I know you can. Pervs.***

Guy: Was that as good for you as it was for me? *lights a cigarette*
Girl: Better baby, better…I dunno why we waited for so long. Let’s go for another round…
Guy: Si mi amore, si………wait! What’s that? Do I hear footsteps…….”


***Bedroom door flew opens***


Father: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!!!
Guy: Oh crap.
Father: YOU!!! SCUM OF EARTH!! SPAWN OF SATAN!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DAUGTHER?
Guy:…..Uh well…she did things to me too you know….
Father: SILENCE!!! *grabbed a parang that just so happens to be lying around in the doorway* YOU SHALL PAY FOR DEFILING MY DAUGHTER! DIE FIEND!!!
Girl: No Papa!! I love him!
Father: SILENCE WENCH! *backhands daughter* I SHALL DEAL WITH YOU ONCE I’M DONE CUTTING OFF HIS PENIS WITH MY SHINY PARANG.
Guy: Oh noes! Not my penis!

***Boy tries to run away but his feet got caught up in the sheet***
***Father caught him by the hair and held his parang up to Boy’s neck***

Father: YOUR LIFE FOR HER VIRTUE
Guy: Dude…..a tad melodramatic aren’t we?
Father: YOU DARE MOCK ME? DO YOU WANT ME TO CUT OFF YOUR PENIS?
Guy: Anything! Anything but my penis. It has only been properly used once…
Father: FINE I WON’T CUT IT OFF. BUT YOU SHALL MARRY HER OR I WILL CUT YOUR PENIS OFF AND TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU RAPE HER. MWAHAHAHA!

***lightning and thunder outside***



…..Okay…so maybe it did not went like that. Maybe they were in the throes of passion when the father walked in. Maybe she was screaming “Yes Daddy! YES!” and then the father walked in going “Yes to what Princess?.....SWEET BABY JESUS!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!!!” Or maybe…you know what…..I should stop telling you people of all the scenarios in my head. Every one of them sounds like a bad porno shot in someone’ basement.


But really, how fucking stupid are these kids? Yes, yes…I understand that you have raging teenage hormones. Yes, yes you’re horny. Yes, yes the desire to...copulate is unbearable. Yes, I understand. I understand how it feels like to be perpetually horny but yet sexually repressed due to the boundaries set by religion and culture. Yes. I know. Trust me. No one knows it better then I do. Just take my word for it. But really guys, I understand how punk rock it is to….fornicate in her room but the risk is not worth it now is it? I mean, if you guys are so hard up- save some money, I bet there are some cheapass motels by the roadside. The backseat of a car. An abandon shack. Under the pier. On the beach…though I won’t recommend that cause I have it on good authority that the vagina itches like hell when mixed with sand. I mean, kalau desperate sangat, semak belakang rumah tu pun ok gak kan?


Stupid fuckers. Literally.


Now, in no way am I condoning underage sex but man, married at 17? They’re nothing more than kids man. I’m older then that and I’m still a kid. Seriously, they’re both waiting to be accepted to the universities of their choice. What happens then? When they go, they gonna meet other people. Oh God, sooo messy. And if they’re stupid enough to get caught by her own father no less, I bet they’re too stupid to think of birth control as well. So…a baby within a year….Parents at the age of 18. My head is reeling from this.

Man, I feel sad for that kid. A stupid mistake. One lousy mistake but one that he have to carry for the rest of his life. I hope for his sake, the sex was spectacular cause marriage at 17, before you life even get the chance to begin properly is just not worth it.