An open letter to my fellow Malaysians....

Dear Malaysian,







Listen, I need to talk to you guys. First of all, hello. How are you? Have you had your dinner yet? How's the family? Good? Oh good then. I'm glad that every thing's going great for you guys. Me? Oh I'm swell. Well as swell as I can get anyways.....given the fact that I'm buried under shitload of assignments these days. But such is a student's life.







Right, where was I? Oh have I ever mentioned that I like being Malaysian? I dunno bout you guys, but by God I do indeed love it. I love being in such a multicultural environment in which we either love each other or we tolerate each other's differences, and then we bitch about it behind each other's back. I love our "Malaysian time". Yes, it gives way to being tardy. Not that it's a good thing mind you, but sometimes you just gotta be tardy. And oh the happiness and joy that we derive from our foods collectively. Our nasi lemak, our rendang, our ketupat. Oh the joy we get from stuffing those into our mouths.....indescribable. Outsiders will never understand our fascination with our nasi lemak and rendang but it doesn't matter. We Malaysians have found a spot of heaven, and it's on that plate of nasi lemak. I find it fascinating how we all can sit at the mamak hours on end ordering teh tariks, one after the other and talking shit bout the government but yet doing nothing bout it. Other than giving our esteemed favourite mamak more money for our never ending craving for teh tariks. Yes, yes, I do indeed love being Malaysian. And I love you too, fellow Malaysians.







But amidst all this love and camaraderie I just need to iron out a problem I'm having with you guys. I mean, it's kinda a biggie. I do hope it's not offensive but I just need to ask this: Why the fuck are you guys so fucking nosy? Honest to God? Whhhhyyy?!!!











I'm talking about this insatiable need to be nosy assholes on the road. Why is it that every time there is a fucking accident on the motherfucking road, you people found the need to slow the fuck down so that you can all nosily, drive your car sllooooooooooowwwwwlllly by the accident scene so that you'll can see what's goin on? Why is there a need to be this fucking nosy? I mean, you fuckers, I was stuck for 2 fucking hours today on the fucking highway just because some truck overturned.





A truck overturned. It just fucking overturned.





Nothing else happened. The driver did not die, nobody was injured and oh nothing blew up. It just fucking overturned. If Miss Universe was parading naked in the middle of the street and you people found the need to slow the fuck down, fine, I get it. If there was somehow a mortal combat between Optimus Prime and Superman going on the fucking highway and you people found the need to slow the fuck down, fine, I get it. I fucking get it. But this is just a fucking overturned truck!!!! What kind of bleak, shallow, existence do you bitches live that the sight of an overturned truck would excite you so much that you found the need to slow the fuck down hence causing a bigass traffic jam, getting me stuck in it for 2 whole hours?







And no bitches, it did not help that I needed to pee really badly and it was pouring outside. Yes, it was cold. It was freezing in my car even without the AC on. I fucking needed to pee. I mean, it's not like I'm a guy okay. I don't have a penis. If I have one, I would have whip "little CD" out and pee in a bottle. But I don't have a "little CD". I cannot fucking pee in a bottle. I can't deny that at one point that I really did think of leaving my car and go in search for a bush or something. I'll be like "Hey y'all! Listen up, I'm just gonna leave my car here and go to that bush over there and do my thang okay. I mean it's not like you guys are going anywhere anyways.". It was tempting. I can assure you that.








Dante wrote that the final circle of hell is when you are buried in the icy grave of your own tears. Clearly, Dante have never been stuck in a traffic jam for 2 fucking hours with a full bladder.








Also, assholes.......uuuhhh...... I mean Malaysians, we are back to the nosy issue here. Listen, what I do within the vicinity of my car is none of your concern. So what if I like to blast Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away"........and then pretend to be Kelly Clarkson in my car? Albeit, a more ossum version of her. Huh? What if I like to do that? It keeps me zen. It keeps me from going crazy. It keeps me from running out from my car like a crazy bitch to find the nearest bush. Let me be. In my car, I am Kelly Clarkson. Also fuckface in the white Honda Jazz next to me, I saw you taking a video of me while I am in my intense rendition of "Since You've Been Gone". I saw you fuckface, eventhough you tried hiding your phone from me.





I. Saw. You.





I got your car plate number. If I find out that there is a video of me, doing my batshit crazy rendition of "Since You've Been Gone", in my car, on the net, I will track you down like the dog that you are. I will kidnap each one of your family, and then feed them to crocodiles while you watch. I will tape your eyelids open (a'la A Clockwork Orange), so that you cannot not look as your 76 year old grandma is being eaten alive by a particularly famished crocodile. I will not end you bitch, no, I will smash both of your kneecaps and your knuckles with a sledgehammer, Vegas style, and let your crawl away to your worthless freedom. Go on, live your life with the excruciating pain of broken kneecaps and knuckles and the memory of your whole family being eaten alive by crocodiles. That will teach you for videotaping me when I'm pulling a Kelly Clarkson in my car.

I'm onto you, white-Honda Jazz-fuckface. I'm onto you.

So yes, that is all. I hope you, my fellow Malaysians have a lovely rest of the evening. I do adore you and value your companionship........ when you are not being nosy fuckers that is. Except for that one Malaysian guy. The one who videotaped me. Yeah, this is a little advice from me to you: Ship your whole family to Mongolia, while you still have the chance to do it.








hugs, kisses, your fellow Malaysian,


the Constantly Dramatic One

If life is a musical, it'll totally be infinitely more ossum

Disclaimer: The following post consists of a whole lot of bullshit. A whole lot. Understand that you will never reclaim the time that you will have to use to read this bullshit. I just want you to know that, cause I respect you. And really, this entry is full of bullshit. I'm not kidding...............Don't say I didn't warn you.




So what time did you guys woke up today? What time?..........Oh, well if you were to be up around the time I woke up, which was round 6 in the morning and opened the window.......I swear you would have seen a sight that was almost too wonderful to behold.





The sun was shining, the trees were doing some kind of dance as the wind swept by, there was a rainbow somewhere in the distance, a family of robins up in the tree were singing a merry song and it was beautiful. So beautiful that if Monet were still alive, he would wept by the beauty of it all and then try to capture it in his painting. When he realizes that such beauty, such splendour, such delights of the world couldn't be captured even by someone as great as him, he would put away his brush, let out a sigh of contentment, take my hand, stare me deeply in the eyes and go...





"Tis beauty is too magnificent even for me, the great Claude Monet. For even I cannot capture it, tis is even more beautiful than my pond of water lilies, more beautiful than anything I have ever seen or painted....................but know this Ms. Drama, before I leave your world of make believe, cause when you think about it.......like what the hell am I doing in your backyard at 6 in the morning and talking to you in English when I'm French, I want you to know tis........You're ossum."





And with that he disappeared. He took with him the beauty of the morning. He took with him the sun, the rainbow, the robins and the wind that was gently caressing me up until then. All that left were me staring at my neighbour's maid hanging up the clothes to dry and the garbage track making a ruckus as it makes its way down the road. But yet, even without such beauty, I still feel happy.


This happiness in my heart is so delightful that I feel like anytime, at any given moment I would just burst in a song and dance number. Like in a musical. Goddamn, I wish my life is a musical. I wish I could start just singing on how happy I am, like you know....





"Oh happy happy joy joy!


I am so ossum!


Let's all dance around, and laugh gleefully together when we have never seen each other before,


And continue this merriment till the end of the song!"





Then random people consisting of school kids, soccer moms, construction workers, Indonesian maids, the ice cream man would just bust out in random synchronized dance move along with me. Monet would come out of nowhere and do a rap (in French) about what a glorious day it is. Then we all do a final complicated move consisting of a lot of back flips, twists and crotch thrusting, fireworks go up in the background, jazz hands, and that's the end of that song. Then we all move on with our lives as if nothing happened.





Ain't that fucking osssum?





Don't you wish that random people down the street would just bust out in synchronized dance move along with you? Dude, I totally do. I have always wanted that. Can you imagine how entertaining traffic jams would be if people would go out of their cars and start tap dancing on top of their cars instead? No, really....................think about it. This is the scenario:

Traffic jam. Bumper to bumper. 5 different cars, 5 different drivers, tapping their fingers on the steering wheels

then 5 collective sighs

Driver 1: Oh God

Driver 2: Oh boi

Ensemble: Why is there a traffic jam?

fingers tap (tap tap tap) collective sigh

Driver 1: Oh God

Driver 2: Oh boi

Collectively: Why is there a traffic jam?

fingers tap (tap tap tap), a car honking, tap, honk, tap, honk honk honk,

Driver 1: Fuck this!!! I cannot take this anyyyyyyymooooooooooreeeeeee

*opens door, gets out of car, loosen tie and walk towards the front of car staring in a distance*

Driver 3: Neither can't Iiiiiiiiiiiiii........"

*all driver get out*

Driver 4: Why must this happen to us?

Driver 5: Why must we endure this everyday?

Driver 1 & 3: Why must there be traffic?

Driver 2 & 4: What is there to be seeeeeen?"

Driver 5: Is it an accident? Did someone died? Why are you slowing down? Don't you want to get home?

Ensemble: Listen up my fellow Malaaaaaaysiaaaaannns, slowing down would not help aaaat alll. Listen to me now my fellow Malaaaaaaysiannnns, what should you do is step on the gas!!

Driver 1: So what if some Wira bang some Geeeennn Two? So what if they're dying by the roadside, who gives a damn? I want to get home, I have a wife toooo baaaaaaang....

Driver 4: So what if there's blood on the road, so what if the cops are theeere? I don't give a fuck, I want to go home. Doreamon is on, on NTV Seeeeeeveeeennn

Ensemble: Stop being nosy, stop being a bitch, just step on it on asshole, I wanna get home. No one want to be stuck in traffic for 7 hours, no one wanna sit on their ass for that long, we all want to be home, to rest and sleep, no one wanna stare at your fuuugly caaaarr. Stop being nosy, stop being a bitch, just step on it asshole, I wanna get home....."

Then this is the point in which everyone climbs on top of their car, start doing some tap dancing on the roof and then give each other the finger, as Malaysian are known to do during traffic jams.

That would totally be ossum. I mean when you're stuck on the highway wouldn't you want too see that too? Goddamn, that would be ossum. So ossum it'll be more ossum than me. I should start working on a script now...hhhmmmm.........

This is a clip of the ensemble of Improve Everywhere, where they did randomly started singing and dancing in the middle of a food court. I will kill to be part of this team. Please enjoy as I work on my script.

Of things that are pissing me off during finals: Part2

Yesterday I was on the phone with my sister. Somehow I mentioned in passing that I want to get a new swimsuit for my Langkawi trip next week. It was a statement in passing. Wasn't even a fucking topic discussion.

And then woman threw a bitch fit. Like seriously, out of the blue.

"Stop spending so much money bla bla bla, you never think of rainy days bla bla bla, mom and dad not getting younger bla bla bla..."

By this time I was being bitchy to her as well. I wasn't talking back but I was making faces and giving her attitude. I mean I was rolling my eyes and we were on the phone. There's no possible way of her knowing that I was giving the finger to the cordless phone. And then came, the million dollar moment of the whole conversation.

"Are you being insolent to me?"

Dude. Exact word. Insolent.

Huiyooooooo, wa cakap sama lu.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are. I can hear it in your voice. And you're probably giving me the finger too" HOLY CRAP.

"Don't you be insolent with me. Mom and dad spoilt you and they give you every reason for you to be the insolent brat that your are. But not to me you're not."

And then it goes on and on for 20 fucking minutes on how I am an insolent bitch that spends too much money. Now at this point you would be asking, how come you don't say anything back CD? Easy question. Cause I'm afraid of my sister. This is a fact.

That woman is fierce. Y'all think I'm fierce, people people....I have got nothing on her. When I was a kid my brother was the one who cycled me around the block, bought me candies and stuff. While my sister was the one giving me dirty looks across the dinner table and smack me at the back of my head if I so much put a toe inside her room. She reversed psychology me like crazy. That shit sticks in your subconscious for all time. Also whens she's pissed off she has an uncanny resemblance to a demented rottweiler. That woman is fierce ok.

So now I can't get a new swimsuit cause I'm an insolent spendthrift- according to my sister. Also, I'm scared that if I do get one...she will...uuhh..... off me for it.

So....yeah.

*********************************

Malaysia is a stupid country.

Really, do you know how long I get stuck in traffic today? 3 fucking hours okay. And do you know why I was stuck for that fucking long because the police have to fucking roadblocks all roads possible.

"Ouuuuu Parliament is going on. Oooouu we're so scared Anwar gonna talk and people would go hear, we're so scared, we're so scared so we gonna block all roads possible into KL so that people cannot go."

Malaysia fucking democracy = "Ohmygawd, political opposition. Holy crap! Block the roads."


Listen, huney. Fucking roadblocking the roads is not gonna make people love you, okay. What it does is just make us hate you even more. So stop roadblocking the roads, you piece of shit government and let the dude talk. Cause that's all he has. Words. He has no money to bribe a 23 year old into confessing a 61 year old man overpowered him and then sodomizes him ok. He doesnt have that. He only have words. And at the end of the day, money speaks louder than words in Malaysia. I know that, we know that, the rats in the parliament sewers know that.

So really grow some balls, stop sleeping during meetings, don't go blowing more models up and most importantly: live the "Islam Hadhari" way. Also enough with the roadblocking, you fucking whoresons. I have finals to get to.


****************************************

Today I bumped into this Malay dude who works in construction. He looked at me up and down and then he goes "Makan banyak nasi......." with a leer. Which translates into"You eat a lot of rice." Because I'm fat you know.


Oh so fucking original.



So I look at him up and down then I went "Oh aku rasa kau makan banyak babi sebab rupa kau macam babi." (I think you eat a lot of pork cause you look like a pig to me.) And then I realise that he was holding a drill gun so I get the hell out of there as soon as possible before he could think of anything to say back...or make use of the drill gun on me.

I feel sad for him. One day I'll get my degree and go on to get a good job and make a good living for myself. Doing all this while still being fat of course, while he would still be the uneducated whoreson that still does construction for minimum wage for the rest of his life.

Poor stupid sad piece of shit asshole.

**********************************

I have another paper on Wednesday for Feature Writing where I have to write 2 piece of articles within 2 hours. 2000 words each therefore that's 4000 words in 2 hours. My hands is going to fucking fall off.

If I get anyone else look down their noses at me when I mention that I'm doing mass comm- as I always do - because Engineering/Maths/Science/Medic student always look down their nose to mass comm students cause they think they are so fucking awesome and brilliant while mass comm kids are just bimbos who sleep around, I will chop off their dicks using a blunt axe and then spray pepper spray on the wound.

You think its easy writing 4000 words and coming up with ideas within 2 hours you fucking asswipe? Go try it yourself.

Traffic jams and revelations.

Ever experienced a revelation that was soooooo unexpected that it was like getting smacked in the face real hard and then you actually get dizzy afterwards...... Ever experienced that? Yeah... I have a term for that: Fucked.

I got stuck in traffic on my way home today. It sucked. So things to do in traffic would be listening to the radio, followed by a karaoke session, followed by you wriggling around in the seat trying to do something that remotely looks like a dance, and of course will be followed by other bored drivers either staring, snickering or looking incredibly amused at you. Nothing new. Today I was too tired to do all that so as to not fall asleep I started recalling all the stuff that my friends do that makes me laugh. The conversations that makes no sense, the little jokes that came out of nowhere, the songs we made ours, the stupidity that never ends. I smiled and I laughed and I noticed I was thinking of the people in college and that's when it hits me. The revelation.

Fucked.

I meet a lot of people in my daily life. These people though I call them friends, but they are not really friends- as defined by my life dictionary. I define friends as people that I truly care for, people that I trust, people that I will turn to when I'm in trouble and sure that they will not turn their backs on me. I have very high expectations from a friend. Not many people make my cut.

I went to high school for 5 years. Parties, good times, lessons, in-jokes, all the usual stuff that you do in high school and when I left it my total number of friends? Four. Total number of buddies-who-are-in-fact-not-friends? Countless.

These Four are the ones that I love. I realise that as people move on with their lives, they will eventually lose touch. My four high school friends and I are not as close as we were and I'm ok with that. I have come to terms with that. People grow up and start living their own lives and run in different circles and eventually the friendship that you built wont be the same as it once were. I understand that. But I am also very thankful that these four came into my life and make it better. Years down the road even if we are no longer keeping in touch I will still remember them for who they were and how they made me feel. Even if these Four are no longer with me, they will always have a special place in my heart where I will cherish them forever. And to each one of them, I am truly thankful.

When I started college, I had a game plan. Study here for two years and then fly off coz I'm doing an international degree program. Two years here, two years in a foreign country of my choice. They call it a twinning program. I call it getting away from my parents. I had a game plan all set out. Do the two years gig, fly off, stay off the radar, don't get involved and as for friends? Puhleaaaze. This is a private college. People in private colleges are usually rich, spoilt, backstabbing bitches so the friends issue is really a non-issue. Plus who actually are good enough to replace the Four that I already have? No one, that's who.

As I was stuck in traffic today I realise that my game plan was not bulletproof as I initially thought. Somehow along the way, my game plan made a detour. And the result of the detour is the revelation that I am fucked. I have friends in college, the friends as defined by my life dictionary. I actually do without noticing it until today. And I am fucked because we are all in the same program and one day they will all leave me. I am fucked because I have friends now even though I didn't want to and now that I do, the thought that one day we will all go separate ways to complete our degrees is making me...emotional.

• I realized that one day, he and I will no longer have the pseudo-intellectual bullshit conversations made colourful with our need to constantly insult each other. I can no longer flake out on him at the last possible minute. We probably will not have more deep talks about discrimination, sexism and racism that usually will end with the theory that if people would just masturbate more and eat more cupcakes then the world would be a much better place.I will miss all of that.

• I realized that one day, she and I will no longer be able to to have our spur-of-the-moment-in-jokes that only we could get. No more going for spas and comparing who has more drama between us. No more bitchy commentaries in the cinemas. No more collaboration effort of stalking people we do not like. And most of all, Zan can no longer make fun of the differences in our heights. I will miss all of that.

• I realized that one day I wont be able to hear the lame puns that she likes to make so much. Or see the way she gives her little head nods with her eyes all wide open when she is in one of her "Indeed, I am wiser than you" moods. I won't be able to give her hugs just coz she looks so hugable that day. I will no longer hear unwanted random commentaries about the size of my ass... and have particularly amusing conversations with her when she is drunk on a weeknight. I will miss all of that.

I don't easily accept people as my friends and when I do, I do not take my friendships for granted. Its great that I actually have people that I care enough for to call my friends...its fucked up that one day we will all be going our separate ways.