The Universe is teaching me a lesson by making me homeless

You guys….I think I’m gonna be homeless when I reach Australia. No, I’m completely serious. Homeless bitches, homeless! That’s why I can’t blog for the past few days cause I’ve been worried sick of my impending hobo status.

The university that I’m going to is supposed to provide accommodation for me. I put in the application late October, they emailed me mid-Nov saying that my form has been received and ever since then I haven’t heard a thing. Bitches, I’m flying off early February….and today is already January 19^th. 19!!!!! I’m worried sick okay. I mean, I don’t have a plan B. It’s not like if I don’t live on-campus, I can get something off-campus just like that. What the fuck? The flight tickets been paid for, my things are almost sorted (I’m still debating the shoes thing), my parents is throwing a kenduri doa selamat for me next week and I don’t have a room!!!!

What bullshit is this?

You know I’ve emailed them twice in regards of the room. I don’t mind if they don’t give me a fucking room but for the love of all that is pure and true, just tell already whether or not I get it therefore if I don’t- I can start looking in for off-campus accommodation. What if I find an off-campus place and pay the deposit and those assholes over at the uni mailed me saying that I do get a room. Like wtf? Isn’t that a waste of money? Paid deposit for both places but I can only live at one. I am not made of money people. I do not shit diamonds okay. I don’t make 50k a month that I can throw money around just like that. I’m unemployed!

Them assholes are screwing with me.You know….I don’t mind if they just come out straight and send me an email somewhere along these lines:

Dear Ms. Drama,

Though we are glad that you have chosen our university to further your education and we dooooo love getting your father’s hard-earned money, we are afraid we won’t be able to let you live on-campus. Now we don’t want you to misunderstood that this means we like your money any less, it’s just that our rooms are small and we can’t find one that can fit your humongous ass.....shapely behind. The thing is Ms. Drama, we’re sure that somehow your…..shapely behind will not be able to fit through the door frame. We here hope that you do not take this personally.

It’s not us; it’s your giant ass.

Yours sincerely,

Dipshit McGee

Manager of Accommodations, UNIVERSITY OF FUCKERY

Although if they do send me this email, I will sue them bastards. Discrimination against people with giant asses is not openly talk about but it exists. Trust me, I know. But really, I’m for real here. I’m worried as fuck. I dunno about you guys but I am accustomed to having a roof over my head. What if I go there and I have to live by a dumpster or something? I’m taking my golden hamster with me. What if he meet the rats at the dumpster, join their gang and become wild? What then?!!! I will fail as a mother then cause my baby join a gang! I cannot have that. I will not let society judge my motherly skills. I will not.

But back to this homeless issue. I’m worried. Now I know there’s that saying…. “Worry will not add another minute to your life.” Yes, I know that. But the point is you’re not the one that’s going to be homeless. I am. Or have your precious golden hamster joining a gang of rats and terrorizing the whole neighbourhood while you sit by the dumpster worrying sick that your baby ain’t home yet while trying to write a 10,000 word paper due tomorrow at 8am. Stop smirking. This is a possible case scenario.

I also believe this-not-getting-a-room fuckery is karma. The universe is screwing with me cause I haven’t been pulling my weight at home. I’m such a bitch these days. Like I don’t make up my own bed or clean the table after dinner anymore and when my mom yells at me I go “Why are you yelling at me? I’m leaving soon and still you’re yelling at me?” and then I make this super sad face, like I-can’t-believe-you’re-yelling-at-me-when-I-am-leaving-soon-Don’t-you-love-me? Then she let me slide and I don’t have to do chores. After that I run into my room and laugh my evil Mojo Jojo laugh cause I don’t have to do the dishes. Reverse psychology is your friend…or so I thought. Until this room thing come about and everything makes sense. Karma.

Reverse psychology your parents + get out of washing the dishes = Homeless in Australia.

It makes total sense when you can get your head around it.....

The Constantly Dramatic One in a couple of months time...

A Lesson from Animal Planet

Do you know that a male snake has two penises? Two.

No shit. I’m serious. I couldn’t sleep the other day so I was up at 3 in the morning watching Animal Planet (that’s right, 3 in the morning and watching Animal Planet- I am too fucking cool for words. I am soo fucking cool, I am like the Fonz of my generation), anyways….snakes have 2 penises. I dunno bout you guys, but that totally rocked my world. Understand that my world now consist of sleeping in till midday, midnight prank calls to my nosy neighbour and writing little haikus that make no sense and emailing it to friends such as this:

My ass is really big,

I blame my mother for it,

Cause hers is big too

Okay, so that’s a really lousy haiku. But what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t take much to rock my world these days. If you would come up to me and say “CD! I had toasts for breakfast today” I would go “No way dude!! That totally rocks my world!” …………..Anyways back to snakes and their multiple penises.

Apparently snakes have 2 penises to maximize their chance of fertilizing a female snake….Apparently if there’s a low sperm count in one penis, then they gonna use the other one. Like how do you know if that penis has a lower sperm count than the other? How? To my knowledge, snakes can’t jerk off right? They don’t have hands. What do they do? Rub both of it on a tree trunk and get off? And then count afterwards? “Sssssss thisssss ooonesss hasssss moooreeeessss sppeerrrsmms thannss the others sssss, willlsss ussseeeessss thissss neeexxxtttsss timeees I gootss lucckysss….Sssssss”? What? Is that how they know?

And what if the snake has weak swimmers? Doesn’t matter which one he uses, that female he bangin with either penis will not get pregnant now will she? I mean, think about it. You can have all the money in the world, drive all the big cars and have 2 penises and still be impotent. How sad is that? Also what the show did not address was the size issues. Would both be the same size, or one is bigger than the other? Is it possible for the female snake to choose which one? Can she like “Ooohhhsss Edwarrddo-sssss, I wantssss that onesss, that onesss on the leftttssss. Yeeessss bebeh, I is a size queeeennsssss….” Can she? 

Female snakes got it lucky if you ask me. If the male snake is anything like a lusty/horny/stupid boy on prom night, wanting to lose it, he would be jizzing in his pants even before anything starts. I bet this would totally pisses off the horny-teenage-girl-snake and she be like “Whysss you be cumming before meeee foooolsss!” and then horny-teenage-boy-snake would go “It’s ookaaays, I got another onesss” and all is well.

Just sayin.

With that said....maaaan do I need to leave the house more often or what?

Update Jan 12 2008/ 11:03pm

Dude.....do they pee from both penises too? Do they take turns OR both penises can go at it at the same time?

Update Jan 12 2008/ 11:04pm

No....seriously.

This is not over you filthy Pizza Hut bastards!!!

Dude, I totally threw a bitch fit at Pizza Hut just now. Well not really a bitch fit....more like a righteous tirade. A really pissed off and loud righteous tirade. Which by the way……. totally scared the crap out of Farid.








Okay let me run this scene by you and see if you don't get pissed off too. You are with your good friend having a late lunch at Pizza Hut, which by the way you have indignantly championed from all your friends saying that Pizza Hut's pizza totally taste much better then Domino's. Okay so you are sitting there, munching on your second piece of personal pan pizza, discussing current events, resident college bitches and the perpetual never ending topic: the size of your ass when all of a sudden - a fucking cockroach appeared from the underside of the table, crawled all over the table near your plate that contained your damn food and then disappeared to the underside of the table again. Here's a multi choice answer:





a) Scream, push your chair back and then fall on your ass.


b) Stare at the cockroach in utter disbelief but do nothing.


c) Stare at the cockroach in utter disbelief, make your guy friend capture it by using a tissue, and then make a waiter call the manager so that you can give the manager a piece of your mind.








I picked option C.








Unlike most of the female population, the Constantly Dramatic One is not afraid of cockroaches. I am however, is shit scared of cicak. Cicaks are fucking creepy okay. But I do know that cockroaches are filthy and they bring on diseases. And I just ate from a table that as it turns out, the oh-so-accommodating pit stop of a cockroach. Holy Mother of all that is Pure and True, if I could have open a can of whoop ass on someone right there and then, I totally would. The manager came to me with an attitude. She was all gangsta when she looked at me and asked "Yes?".......Bitch, you do not throw fuel to the fire. Bad move bitch, bad move.








"I just found a cockroach on the table here. Where I am eating. A cockroach! What kind of establishment are you running here when people come here to eat and you serve cockroaches along with the food?"





"Ohhh we just had pest control last Friday.............."








"It doesn’t matter whether or not you had pest control last Friday or yesterday or the month before this. That is a non-issue. What is an issue here is that while I am eating here I found a cockroach crawling around next to my plate. *Lipas tau tak? Lipas. Atas meja.* Do you expect me to sit here and eat your food still?"

*A cockroach you know? A cockroach. On the table.








"Oh we always have a cockroach problem. *But sekarang dah less dah.....*"
*But now it have lessen....*







"Oh is that supposed to make me feel better? Is the fact that last time you had more cockroaches attacking your customers and now you only have one is a victory? Am I supposed to rejoice at that? Seriously, what kind of show are you running here? *Ini kat depan dah ada lipas. Kalau I pergi to your kitchen, what will I find there? Perkampungan lipas dan tikus?* Is that the cleanliness level of your establishment? Eh when I come here I expect a certain level of professionalism and cleanliness. **Kalau I nak makan kat tempat kotor-kotor I pergi makan kat mamak tepi jalan tu. Kereta lalu-lalu, berhabuk sana sini tapi tak per.** Cause that's how much I pay for it. Here I come and I pay your service tax and all that and this is the bullshit I have to deal with?"

*If you have cockroaches at the front of your restaurant, then what do you have in your kitchen? A mini city for cockroaches and rats?*

**If I want to eat at a dirty place, I go to a mamak by the roadside. The food will be all dusty but it's okay because that is what expected of mamak and that is how much I pay for it.**

By this time she looked like she was on the verge of crying. I feel kinda bad but no matter how bad I felt it doesn’t change the fact there was a disease carrying cockroach near my food. Shit son, what if I have rabies now?








"What happens now if I get sick from eating your food? If my friend gets sick? Who is going to foot the bill for our medical fees? You? Your pest control people?"








She just kept quite. On hindsight, what else can she do? I wasn’t screaming but I spoke loudly. I made sure that the whole restaurant can hear the fact that there was a cockroach on my table. Near my fucking food. I am still so pissed off.








"So what are you going to do now?"








"Well what do you want?"








"I do not want to pay for any of these, I will not pay for my food and neither will my friend. When we came in we expected to eat pizza, not some cockroach infested tasty treat. Also do you have a business card? I want your business card if not you write out your name and give it to me. If you think you can serve people food in this kind of place where cockroaches live happily ever after then you are wrong. I am going to report about this. This is not over."








"Miss, building ni memang ada banyak lipas."
*Miss, this building is infested with cockroaches.*







"That's not an issue. *I pergi makan kat Subway like 3 doors away and takder pun lipas. I pergi minum kat Starbucks, takde pun lipas. I pergi makan kat Ali Maju, mamak tau mamak, takder pun I kena attack dengan lipas. So don't blame the building for your shortcomings. Ni tempat makan, bukan printers suratkhabar.*"
*I didn't find any cockroaches when I go to eat at Subway which is 3 doors down from here. I don't see any cockroaches when I have a drink in Starbucks. When I go to Ali Maju, which is a mamak establishment, I don't get attacked by cockroaches. So don't blame the building for your shortcomings. This is a restaurant, not a printers.*







I wanted to go on and on but Farid was staring at me from across the table looking on the verge of crapping his pants. (No dude, you did.) So I just stood up and left. I think if stayed longer I would have cut a bitch. Seriously. Fucker!!! What if I have rabies now? Do cockroaches carry rabies? Fuck. What do they carry? I should Google this up. What if Farid and I are infected with it? Whatever it is that they are carrying? What if the disease is spread by saliva? Like rabies? What if everyone we kiss and share a drink with is infected? And those people will infect other people and other people and other people...... In like a week or less there could be an outbreak of cockroach-something disease all over KL!! In a month- the world!








It'll be like the fucking Mad Cow disease all over again. But it'll be worst cause when this story hit the news, the news anchors are going to go "The original deadly disease carriers have been traced and that trail goes back to Malaysia. We have been notified that the original carriers were Farid.A and the Constantly Dramatic One, who ate at a cockroach infested Pizza Hut establishment. Sad to say however that these two individuals who were the original carriers of this deadly disease are already deceased."








WTF?!! I don’t want to be remembered as a plague-carrying-originator. This is not fair!! When I die, people should remember me as the object of Clive Owen's desire. They should remember me for my ass the size of galaxy. They should remember me for my superior bitching skillz. But most of all they should remember me for the ossumness that I am. Not as the cause of a plague bitches!








This is bullshit.








I will lodge a complaint at the Consumer Rights and Health Ministry or whatever. I need to find where exactly I can complain at. And when I do, I will cc. that to The Star, Utusan Melayu and all other newspapers. Take that you filthy Pizza Hut bastards! Take that. If I am going down as the original carrier of a plague-later-to-be-named then I am taking you down with me you filthy Pizza Hut bastards! I am not going down without a fight.








......Damn, I totally need to go to the family GP tomorrow. I need to check if I have rabies. Or whatever it is that will make me go down in medical books as the cause of a plague that wipe out a shitload of people.


Damn Pizza Hut bastards.

Mah bukkit! You be stealin mah bukkit!

Dude, Langkawi was awesome!


We drove around the whole island, got attacked by monkeys (little piece of shit bastards), I got asked out by a man in uniform (thank you 3kc!), ate a whole lot of sea food and cheese (shout out to Adrienne!), saw penguins in some weird penguin-god worshipping ritual, tried not to run over pedestrians who walk in the middle of the street like little bastards, take a shitload of pictures, encountered a foot ghost...no seriously- a foot ghost, frolic around in the sea in my new swimsuit, exposed my ass to a whole a beach, try to run down a group of monkeys with the car, develop an unhealthy relationship with a...bukkit, ahem......kok besar (wink wink nudge nudge Cheesecakeerian =p), and get thrown out of a hotel.


All in all a fucking great holiday yo.


As for pictures, y'all have to wait cause I barely took photos on my own camera. Why? Cause I'm the idiot who fully charged the battery and then forgot to put it in the camera. That's why. So I have to wait for the rest to send theirs to me. Longer post later but for now the bed beckons and my legs hurts like a bitch from all that hiking.


Ta!