The Universe is teaching me a lesson by making me homeless

You guys….I think I’m gonna be homeless when I reach Australia. No, I’m completely serious. Homeless bitches, homeless! That’s why I can’t blog for the past few days cause I’ve been worried sick of my impending hobo status.

The university that I’m going to is supposed to provide accommodation for me. I put in the application late October, they emailed me mid-Nov saying that my form has been received and ever since then I haven’t heard a thing. Bitches, I’m flying off early February….and today is already January 19^th. 19!!!!! I’m worried sick okay. I mean, I don’t have a plan B. It’s not like if I don’t live on-campus, I can get something off-campus just like that. What the fuck? The flight tickets been paid for, my things are almost sorted (I’m still debating the shoes thing), my parents is throwing a kenduri doa selamat for me next week and I don’t have a room!!!!

What bullshit is this?

You know I’ve emailed them twice in regards of the room. I don’t mind if they don’t give me a fucking room but for the love of all that is pure and true, just tell already whether or not I get it therefore if I don’t- I can start looking in for off-campus accommodation. What if I find an off-campus place and pay the deposit and those assholes over at the uni mailed me saying that I do get a room. Like wtf? Isn’t that a waste of money? Paid deposit for both places but I can only live at one. I am not made of money people. I do not shit diamonds okay. I don’t make 50k a month that I can throw money around just like that. I’m unemployed!

Them assholes are screwing with me.You know….I don’t mind if they just come out straight and send me an email somewhere along these lines:

Dear Ms. Drama,

Though we are glad that you have chosen our university to further your education and we dooooo love getting your father’s hard-earned money, we are afraid we won’t be able to let you live on-campus. Now we don’t want you to misunderstood that this means we like your money any less, it’s just that our rooms are small and we can’t find one that can fit your humongous ass.....shapely behind. The thing is Ms. Drama, we’re sure that somehow your…..shapely behind will not be able to fit through the door frame. We here hope that you do not take this personally.

It’s not us; it’s your giant ass.

Yours sincerely,

Dipshit McGee

Manager of Accommodations, UNIVERSITY OF FUCKERY

Although if they do send me this email, I will sue them bastards. Discrimination against people with giant asses is not openly talk about but it exists. Trust me, I know. But really, I’m for real here. I’m worried as fuck. I dunno about you guys but I am accustomed to having a roof over my head. What if I go there and I have to live by a dumpster or something? I’m taking my golden hamster with me. What if he meet the rats at the dumpster, join their gang and become wild? What then?!!! I will fail as a mother then cause my baby join a gang! I cannot have that. I will not let society judge my motherly skills. I will not.

But back to this homeless issue. I’m worried. Now I know there’s that saying…. “Worry will not add another minute to your life.” Yes, I know that. But the point is you’re not the one that’s going to be homeless. I am. Or have your precious golden hamster joining a gang of rats and terrorizing the whole neighbourhood while you sit by the dumpster worrying sick that your baby ain’t home yet while trying to write a 10,000 word paper due tomorrow at 8am. Stop smirking. This is a possible case scenario.

I also believe this-not-getting-a-room fuckery is karma. The universe is screwing with me cause I haven’t been pulling my weight at home. I’m such a bitch these days. Like I don’t make up my own bed or clean the table after dinner anymore and when my mom yells at me I go “Why are you yelling at me? I’m leaving soon and still you’re yelling at me?” and then I make this super sad face, like I-can’t-believe-you’re-yelling-at-me-when-I-am-leaving-soon-Don’t-you-love-me? Then she let me slide and I don’t have to do chores. After that I run into my room and laugh my evil Mojo Jojo laugh cause I don’t have to do the dishes. Reverse psychology is your friend…or so I thought. Until this room thing come about and everything makes sense. Karma.

Reverse psychology your parents + get out of washing the dishes = Homeless in Australia.

It makes total sense when you can get your head around it.....

The Constantly Dramatic One in a couple of months time...

This post might or might not make sense. My bad.

Disclaimer: The following post was written while the Constantly Dramatic One was completely drugged out on flu/fever medication. It might or might not make sense to you. I wouldn’t know. It however made total and complete sense to me seeing that I was and still is, trippin all over the place.

***

I have this story on how my car acted up yesterday and that the alarm won’t stop going on and on so I had to send it to the mechanics and had to stay there for 3 hours waiting for it to get done and how like this big motherfucking rat came out of the gutters and ran right by my feet, and then I jumped and screamed like a banshee which all the dirty mechanics thought was hilarious so they laughed at me and then the chief mechanic told me to that there’s something wrong with my car’s alarm system (well no shit Sherlock, it’s been goin on and on right?) and that I have to change it. So I say changed it and that’s why I was at the mechanic’s for 3 hours amidst all the dirty cars, dusty accessories, polluted air and rat infested gutters. What the mechanic forgot to tell me was that the new alarm is like some fancy shmancy thingie where a robotic female’s voice would go “Arm” or “Disarm” as to remind you to lock the car.

So I got home at 7ish in the evening and then I parked my car and before I got the chance to lock the car, the female’s voice came on and I freaked out cause I thought there was a Pontianak hiding under the car and talking to me so I ran like a bitch and then I realized that pontianaks don’t hide under cars so maybe my car might be a transformer instead, like in the movie you know. So I went back to my car, but I did not take a peek at the undercarriage in case there was a pontinak hanging out there…then the female’s voice came on again and I thought “Cool, my car’s a female transformer. I will call her ‘Bianca’.” Belatedly, did I realise that it was just the alarm and I felt really stupid. And also my New Year’s resolution of NOT DOING STUPID SHIT has gone out of the window thanks to the Pontianak/transformers episode. 

As I walked towards my house, my nosy neighbour called me cause she saw me running away from the car and she wanna know why I did that. Nosy bitch. I can’t actually tell her that I thought my car was a transformer, can I? So I told her that I’m on this new fitness plan where you don’t workout for a long time but what you do is you suddenly sprint or jog on the spot really really fast, multiple times a day and then you can lose weight and build stamina. She looked unconvinced so I told her it’s totally the in thing now in Hollywood. It’s like the Atkins of fitness plans. Then she looked interested and told me that she wants to do it too. So I thought to myself “Great, I’m fucked now.” And now whenever I need to leave the house, I have to make sure that she’s not hanging out outside her house because apparently I have weaved my own tangled web of lies and I don’t know how to continue with it.

Then last night I got really sick, I started coughing and sneezing and I think it’s cause I was at the mechanic’s for 3 hours and that place was filthy. When I look at the tissue I realise that there is blood when I blow my nose and I got really scared cause now I think I’m gonna die. Like, seriously, blood on the tissue. I’m scared cause I know I’m going to Hell cause I barely pray and curse like a drunk sailor therefore in conclusion God hates me and will send me to Hell. So I took some flu pills and decided that if I’m drowsy enough from all the pills maybe I could die peacefully in my sleep. As I was drifting off I realise that I don’t want to die without letting people know that I love them. So I called my sister and told her that I am going to die cause there’s blood when I blow my nose and I have fever but before I go, I want her to know that I love her. But she didn’t hear all that cause she was at the market place buying fish and I thought how ironic that I’m going to die in my sleep, with blood coming out of my nose and Clive would never get the chance to fall madly in love with me and the one person whose supposed to be in contact with me before I leave this realm of mortality can’t even hear my parting words cause she wanna buy a damn fish.

So I said again “I’m going to die.” Then she asked “Oh, what colour?” And then I said  “Die not dye” and she said “Okay. What colour?” Then I gave up and tell her that I love her and then she said “I love you too, but make sure you don’t dye blond ya? Blond sucks with our skin colour.” And I dunno how that tip would be helpful in Hell but okay, I take whatever I can get. Then before I hung up she asked me

“Have it arrived yet?”

“What have arrived?”

“The bag?”

“What bag?”

“The Gucci bag.”

“Huh?”

“I got you a Gucci bag, from the Christmas sale here. It was like 50% off and it’s like last season’s but it is a Gucci and it’s pink and really cute and you would really like it. It’s totally you.”

“Wow.”

“Okay let me know when you get it ya? I love you babe. I have to go now.”

I’m still coughing, sneezing blood and feverish but I think it would really suck to die now cause apparently I have a last-season-50%-off-Gucci-bag on the way to me. I’m gonna put off death for a while till I get the bag and then only could I die happy.

Also, I love Ghendut.

Days of Bumming Around

It’s been 5 days since I saw the sun….in fact I can’t even remember how the sun looks like anymore. I think it kinda look like a frickin huge big ball of inferno right? I think. Time seems to stand still under the pleasant comfort of my blanket and the perpetual darkness within my bedroom.

 

Dude, my body clock is sooo fucked now, it’s ridiculous. I am sleeping at 8 in the morning, waking up at 4pm, takes another 2 hours to roll out of bed…..Seriously. Forget bout Malaysian time, I’m running...urrrm sleeping on Scotland time here. And the best thing about it is that I’ve never been to Scotland. Ever since college ended, I have taken laziness to a whole new level. I thought of finding a part time job, maybe waitressing but no one would hire my fatass seeing that I’m leaving the country in a couple of weeks time. No one wants to hire someone that could only commit for a couple of weeks. Waste of company’s money you know. So here I am, in bed, with nothing to do nor have anything to do.

 

 

Okay, lies. I have a shitload to do. I can start a scrapbook project, reconnect with old friends, learn how to cook and not burn the house down in the process…but that would require me to leave my bed. And put on clothes. Just too much effort you know. However, things have reached an all time low the other day when I was sleeping….it was like 3 in the afternoon. I can hear someone knocking on the door calling my name but I was just too damn lazy to even grunt in answer. I was like “Fuck it. I want to sleep.” Then I heard some kind of commotion outside the door, the jingling of keys and the next thing I know my Dad was in the room. “CD, are you alive? You haven’t been out of the room for 2 days!”

 

I totally get the drama gene from his side of the family. Totally.

 

 

Personally, I’m offended. My family only notice that I haven’t been out of the room after 2 days? Really? 2 days? If I was really dead, my corpse would be rotting there, eaten by bed lice while my bodily fluids seep into the mattress releasing a rotten odour that would forever ruin the ambiance of the room…all this is happening of course while my sprit is suspended in midair weeping in silence that no one have notice the departure of my soul from my sexy dead body….And there my spirit will always be. Suspended in midair, condemned to an eternal limbo of gloom for my death went on unnoticed, unloved, unappreciated….. Oh the injustice of it all! To be fated to be an emo ghost for all eternity! Ooohhh….

 

Okay. Moving on.

 

To make time pass faster, I decided to clean my room. Spring cleaning…like full out shit. Not just cleaning out a drawer but going through the whole entire wardrobe. At the same time I also decided that perhaps it would be most wise to start putting aside things that I want to take when I make my move to that other continent to futher my studies. See, the thing is I am moving to another country that on another continent. Most people would say “moving to another country”. I rather say “another continent” cause it sounds more dramatic. And here on Dramatic Musings, it is the law that we always chose the more dramatic route.

It took me 4 days to clean my room properly. 4 days. Who the hell would have known that I have some much shit, seriously? It’s like the blackhole of forgotten lost ear studs and beheaded Barbie dolls. And how come no one ever mentioned that I clearly owned waaay too many items of clothing in pink? Why didn’t anyone ever mention that my excessive wearing of pink makes me look like a mutated-walking-giant-marshmallow? With a humongous ass? How come? And why the hell am I only noticing this shit now? Seriously.

 

 

Also I put a lot of shit aside for my moving thingie. I mean….a lot of shit okay. I think I put aside so much makeup to take right…my brother took one look at the amount of makeup, gave me a look and said “CD, you’re going there to study. Not to become a drag queen.” Bastard. Also I want to take 7 pairs of shoes with me. It is crucial that I have shoes to suit all occasions. I mean 7 pairs out of my 37 pairs of shoes is fine right? It’s not like I want to take all 37……should I? Maybe I can ship it in afterwards....But my Mom says unless I wanna walk around naked with nothing but shoes on, I better rethink that. She says only one pair of stilettos, one pair of flats and one pair of sneakers. The woman is absurd. Does she want me to become a social pariah? Cause that's what I will be with only one pair of stilettos!! Well, is she?!

 

 

But now that I think about it right….maybe I am being ridiculous regarding things to bring……Like, now that I think about it….I think it’s not necessary to bring 3 different types of leave-in hair conditioner. Maybe just 2….. And uuumm….also unnecessary are my lavender-scented aromatherapy candles. And all 7 of the Harry Potter books. Also, taking Ghendut, my precious golden hamster across national borders would be illegal right? Okay…you know what I have to rethink this. I am so horrible at this. I always over pack everything. Thank God I started putting aside things earlier. Can you imagine if I only do it the night before I fly off? Duuudeee, I probably want to pack the living room carpet too.

 

 

On that note, I know that some of you Drama Lovers reading this right now are Malaysian students currently living/studying abroad. Like Faye (Seattle), Senorita (NZ), Liyana (Texas), Joshy (Indonesia), firsfc (US), Ojamoja (Pennsylvania)….and I think there’s a couple of Malaysian medical students over in Ireland and Ukraine reading this as well right? Also expats like Tine (Aussie) and Fieran Abhorsen (Norway), any thoughts? Tips? On what to pack and to bring? Now, I might be wrong but perhaps…the living room carpet is not part of it….? Let me know.

And oh wow, look at that. It's now 5 days into the new year and all I have done is sleeping in and hugging my pillow while delusionally make believe that it's Clive Owen. All in all, a good start to the New Year me thinks.

Could this be the end of the Constantly Dramatic One?

No proper blog posting today.

I had a shitload to bitch about, a shitload but all that have to go into Drafts and publish on some other day. Why? Cause I totally just had a major anxiety attack resulting in me running around the house shouting incoherent gibberish, pulling my hair out and then accusing Ghendut, my golden hamster of stealing the last Vitagen in the house. Ghendut is now sulking and no longer on speaking terms with me. Fine bitch! Fine! See if you can get by in this life without me. You are nothing without me! Nothing!!! I made you what you are!

..........Oh come on Ghendut don't be like this. I love you. Who's my number one golden hamster? Who? Who? You are....you are. Fine, don't talk to me. I got more important shit to deal with. More important than you Ghendut. You're not all that. No no, I'm sorry. I don't mean that. Goddamn.

Anyways my important stuff consists of 3 class presentation, one in Spanish (my tongue is going to take a beating for this) and Finals in 12 days. I haven't started on anything.

I am going to die.

P/S: Sorry if I haven't been visiting your blogs. I cannot do it now. I cannot pay attention to what you wrote for my mind is too preoccupied with my impending doom. Shit should be fine after the 4th. Ta bitches, and stay ossum.

PP/S: Ghendut is still not talking to me.

A vapid and bimbotic post

Okay I know I said there's a hiatus and all that coz the words are not flowing. I wasn't messing around. I am having a somewhat writer's block. So the following post is going to be extremely vapid and bimbotic. You have been warned.


My homegirls and I are going to Penang!!!! But in May though, exactly one day after our finals. Then we all gonna board a bus that would take us on a 4 hour ride from Wilayah Persekutuan, across the Penang bridge and onto the island of Penang! I would drive us there but my parents got all iffy when I said that. They will never let go of the whole "Oooouuuu CD-bang-the-wall-while-trying-to-reverse-park incident". So we're taking a bus, we could fly but it'll be more expensive but more importantly it will cut our bitching time. Bus ride would give us ample time to bitch about everything under the sun and more.

I am super excited. We gonna rent a car when we're there and go to all these cultural/historical places. Then when its not so hot we will hit the beach and pretend we're on Baywatch. 3kc and Cheesecakeerian can work on their tans. I don't need to do seeing that I'm already brown. I just stalk hot men on the beach. My dad have high powered binoculars...would definitely borrow that for the trip. MWAHAHAHAHA!


Which bring me to another topic, we would be spending at least two days just lazing around on the beach. I need new swimsuits. I mean, I already have one but I need another one. Like hell I'm gonna repeat the same thing twice two days on a row. Which means....the Constantly Dramatic One would need to go shopping. After 3 months of not shopping. This. Is. Big.

But this is a necessity. I need to look constantly hot.... When coming out of the water. When frolicking around on the beach. When removing sand from my butt crack..... What if Clive decided to go on holiday in Penang? The chances are very slim, I'm gonna agree with you on this one, but like my high school science teacher always say: Preparation is key.


So now, the Constantly Dramatic One is on a mission. To find a swimsuit similar to the one my idol wore:

And then to have a picture of me taken in the same exact pose.



Same. Exact. Pose.



Also, with this blog post, I am declaring that when I am frolicking around on the beaches of Penang, my sunflowers must refer me as 'Marilyn'. Or I'm just gonna ignore them. I'm serious people. Its 'Marilyn' or nothing.


Delusional? Moi? Puhleaaazeeee.

And oh anybody knows good places to eat in Penang? Like really good. Like the "sungguh sedap hingga menjilat jari sampai ke siku" kinda good. Our top priority on this trip is to eat. A lot. Where's the best nasi kandar joint? Ikan bakar? Any other speciality? Oh and please only suggest halal ones, Marilyn is very fussy bout food. Uuuuhhhhhh..... I mean me, the Constantly Dramatic One, is very fussy when it comes to food.

If you're too shy to leave any suggestion in the comment box then mail me. And as token of appreciation I'll send you a pic of Ghendut, my golden hamster, posing like Marilyn. Promise.