So very punk rock...but was it worth it?

I was watching some lameass True Hollywood Story on E! when my mom, oh so nonchalantly, mentioned that she and my dad would be going to a wedding this weekend. I can’t help but groaned as loudly as I can. I hate being forced to attend weddings.

“Siapa lak nak kahwin ni? Adik kena ikut ke? Malas lah mak….”
Who is getting married? Must I go? I’m soooo lazy to go….

“Hakim*, anak Kak Ina*.”
Hakim*, Kak Ina’s son.

“………………………..Bukan Hakim baru SPM ke hari tu?”
…………………………Didn’t Hakim sat for SPM this year?

“Uh huh”

“Mak. Kalau dia SPM tahun ni…bukan budak tu 17 ke?”
Mom, if he sat for SPM this year…wouldn’t that makes him 17?

“Uh huh.”

“Maaaaak!! Mak serious ke ni? Jangan main-main Mak. Adik dah macam nak pengsan dah ni. Giler ah. Budak tu 17 kan?”
Moooom! Are you serious? Don’t toy with me. I feel like I’m gonna faint now. This is crazy! The kid is 17!

“Eh, buat apa lak Mak nak tipu kau?”
Why would I want to lie to you?

Dude, how fucking insane is that? As scandalous and glamorous Keanu Reeves life was according to E!, it is nothing compared to finding out that your 17 year old nephew is getting married okay. Wait, his mom is my cousin…so that makes him my nephew right? Or is that second cousin? Whatevs. In any event it is still fucking insane. I followed my mom around the house for like half a day before she told me the story. However I feel like she is not telling me the whole thing, she just gave me the condense version. As if I’m a child whose innocence still needs to be protected. Oh God Mom, the age of innocence for me has ceased to exist a loooong time ago. Anyways, this is the story I managed to coax out of her:

So apparently my 17 year old nephew has a girlfriend. Apparently, they were also horny as fuck. Being horny as fuck and also stupid as fuck- in my opinion; they decided to uhhh….consummated their “love” in her bedroom. So apparently, the girl’s father caught them and held him at the point of a parang saying that if he doesn’t marry her, he’s gonna report it as rape. So that’s why they’re having a shotgun wedding (nikah bidan terjun) this weekend.

Dude, I told you it’s the condensed version. I kept on asking my mom for details. I was like “Uuhhh so were they like…uh doing it when the father walked in?” When the father threatened him with a parang, was he naked and running around the house?” “Was she naked?” “Was the Dad naked?” I mean seriously, I need details here to draw out the visual re-enactments in my head okay. But my Mom was all offended by the questions. I mean I have this image in my head, I can describe it to you but I rather write it out like a bad script from a trashy telenovela…






Guy: Mi amore! How I have yearned for your kisses, your caress, your luuuuurrvve….
Girl: Oh si si, I too have thirst for you. My luuurve, my moon and stars. Your flesh on mine. Your luuuurve in me.
Guy: Such sweet words my luurve. You are like a vision in a dream. A Goddess among mortals. I’m sooo damn horny I cannot even walk straight right now.
Girl: I cannot tahan anymore. I’m soo horny, I’m slurring my words. I am sooo drunk for your love. Now mi amore!! NOW!!”

***Please use your imagination for this part. I know you can. Pervs.***

Guy: Was that as good for you as it was for me? *lights a cigarette*
Girl: Better baby, better…I dunno why we waited for so long. Let’s go for another round…
Guy: Si mi amore, si………wait! What’s that? Do I hear footsteps…….”


***Bedroom door flew opens***


Father: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!!!
Guy: Oh crap.
Father: YOU!!! SCUM OF EARTH!! SPAWN OF SATAN!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DAUGTHER?
Guy:…..Uh well…she did things to me too you know….
Father: SILENCE!!! *grabbed a parang that just so happens to be lying around in the doorway* YOU SHALL PAY FOR DEFILING MY DAUGHTER! DIE FIEND!!!
Girl: No Papa!! I love him!
Father: SILENCE WENCH! *backhands daughter* I SHALL DEAL WITH YOU ONCE I’M DONE CUTTING OFF HIS PENIS WITH MY SHINY PARANG.
Guy: Oh noes! Not my penis!

***Boy tries to run away but his feet got caught up in the sheet***
***Father caught him by the hair and held his parang up to Boy’s neck***

Father: YOUR LIFE FOR HER VIRTUE
Guy: Dude…..a tad melodramatic aren’t we?
Father: YOU DARE MOCK ME? DO YOU WANT ME TO CUT OFF YOUR PENIS?
Guy: Anything! Anything but my penis. It has only been properly used once…
Father: FINE I WON’T CUT IT OFF. BUT YOU SHALL MARRY HER OR I WILL CUT YOUR PENIS OFF AND TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU RAPE HER. MWAHAHAHA!

***lightning and thunder outside***



…..Okay…so maybe it did not went like that. Maybe they were in the throes of passion when the father walked in. Maybe she was screaming “Yes Daddy! YES!” and then the father walked in going “Yes to what Princess?.....SWEET BABY JESUS!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!!!” Or maybe…you know what…..I should stop telling you people of all the scenarios in my head. Every one of them sounds like a bad porno shot in someone’ basement.


But really, how fucking stupid are these kids? Yes, yes…I understand that you have raging teenage hormones. Yes, yes you’re horny. Yes, yes the desire to...copulate is unbearable. Yes, I understand. I understand how it feels like to be perpetually horny but yet sexually repressed due to the boundaries set by religion and culture. Yes. I know. Trust me. No one knows it better then I do. Just take my word for it. But really guys, I understand how punk rock it is to….fornicate in her room but the risk is not worth it now is it? I mean, if you guys are so hard up- save some money, I bet there are some cheapass motels by the roadside. The backseat of a car. An abandon shack. Under the pier. On the beach…though I won’t recommend that cause I have it on good authority that the vagina itches like hell when mixed with sand. I mean, kalau desperate sangat, semak belakang rumah tu pun ok gak kan?


Stupid fuckers. Literally.


Now, in no way am I condoning underage sex but man, married at 17? They’re nothing more than kids man. I’m older then that and I’m still a kid. Seriously, they’re both waiting to be accepted to the universities of their choice. What happens then? When they go, they gonna meet other people. Oh God, sooo messy. And if they’re stupid enough to get caught by her own father no less, I bet they’re too stupid to think of birth control as well. So…a baby within a year….Parents at the age of 18. My head is reeling from this.

Man, I feel sad for that kid. A stupid mistake. One lousy mistake but one that he have to carry for the rest of his life. I hope for his sake, the sex was spectacular cause marriage at 17, before you life even get the chance to begin properly is just not worth it.

Goodbye and thanks for all the...help...

It seems that all I’ve been doing in 2008 is saying goodbye. Goodbye to my sister, to friends who transferred before me, to the friends I’m leaving behind…and it’s not easy. Saying goodbye is never easy. With every goodbye your heart aches a little… a lot, depends really...but with every goodbye I’m saying goodbye to a part of me too.

As of Dec 4th, I am no longer a student of HELP University College. I was a little bit emo because of that…okay a lot. That’s why I was on hiatus. Now, I’m not saying that HELP is awesome, it is not. Seriously. They’re always fucking around with our results, the classes are all fucked now that they are expanding the campus- so much so that we don’t even have proper, designated classrooms anymore and dude- don’t get me started about the lack of cafeteria.

Nonetheless, HELP has been a huge part of my life for the last 2 years. The memories I formed within those halls, the joys I experienced, the drama I created just for the kicks, the cute guys I spied in class, the assignments I plagiarized, the gossips I heard…and perpetuates, the embarrassing moments in time….but most of all the people I met there. Those people who at first were nothing more than strangers who just happened to sit next to me in class, who tapped my shoulder asking to borrow a pen, who got thrown into a group assignment with me, who stood in front of me in line, who just happened to smile as I walked by…strangers who in time turned into friends. Strangers, who are now my good friends, people who will always have a place in my heart.

I remember the things I’ve said before starting in HELP. “Oh, I probably won’t make any friends.” “Private college kids are just rich, spoilt brats- I’m not included.” “I probably won’t get close to anyone cause they’re all backstabbing bitches.” “Bla bla bla.” What differences two years have made. How I am now forced to eat my own words….

Now that I am at the end of my 2 years stint; I will no longer have days when I wake up at 6 in the morning, groan and then yelled out how much I fucking hate HELP. I no longer will give dirty looks to the snobby old men who worked in the library. I will no longer curse the damn internet connection in college. I will no longer bitch bout the office administration. I will no longer screamed out vengeance on the lack of parking spaces in main block…or smell like the mamak after lunch. Those things are no longer part of my life. And for that, I am thankful.

There is joy in moving on and leaving. But there is sadness as well. At least I will always have the memories- the good ones and the bad ones. And when it comes down to it…when things are at end, that’s all you have right? The memories of what was once. And the friends who will always be part of you, no matter how far you go in life.

Goodbye.

Hiatus

I'm at the crossroads of my life.

I cannot do this now.

I will be back.

I just do not know when.

Of things that are pissing me off during the finals: Part 3

Listen you worthless piece of shit, I do not know which country you are from but I’m from Malaysia. And in this country, most of us drive like fiends from Hell. So riddle me this asswipe, why the hell are you driving like a pussy when you’re in the fast lane? Seriously.


I understand that there is a speed limit. Yes I know, 110km/j on the fucking highway. But here’s the deal, everyone who drives on the fastlane, none of us abide by that. None of us. Personally the slowest I ever been- when the fucking road is relatively empty- is 160km/j. So again, why in the fucking blue hell is your slow ass on the fastlane? My car is red in colour bitch. When my Dad bought it for me, it says there “Extreme red”. Don’t tell me your eyes can’t see my “extreme red” car from miles away going 180? Can’t you move your ass fast enough for me to get through? If you really feel like you need to drive like a fucking pussy, then please direct your slow ass to the slow lane. Not the fast lane.



I have an exam to get too. Now the fact that my paper starts at 4pm and I left my house at 3.30pm when I live about 40km away from college is a non-issue. What is an issue here is that your drive like a pussy. People have places to get too, things to meet, people to do…or did I get that wrong…but the fact that mattered is, your pussy driving is in the way. If you can’t locate the fucking acceleration pedal in your motherfucking car why in the fucking blue hell are you on the fast lane?



Now, see I don’t like tailgating people. I heard in the radio they say that that shit is actually road bullying. And bullying is not cool under any circumstance. But when you are going what, 90km/j on the motherfucking fast lane and not moving your ass fast enough for me get through, it pisses me off. And on the road, I get piss off really fast. I’m sorry if I scared you when I tailgated your ass for maybe 12kms even when you’ve already switched lane. You fucking deserve it. If your ass have no bizniz on the fastlane, then don’t get on it on the first place.



Thanks to your pussy driving, I was 5 mins late for my paper. If I ever see you on the road again- I will end you bitch.


***

Whenever a guy hits on me, I make sure that I am always pleasant and never rude. I understand that it takes a lot of guts for a guy to come up and talk to a chick. Especially ones that have a default-bitch-face like mine. I can never go up to a guy and ask him out because I do not have the balls for it. Literally and figuratively speaking. So when a guy hits on me, I try to make it pleasant for the both of us but will still definitely drive the point home that: “Yes, I am single” but “No, I am not available.”

It gets to me when these dudes just do not fucking get it. Hey asshole, just because I was pleasant to you doesn’t mean I want to suck your dick tonight mmmkay? It just means that I am considerate. Just because I do not tell you to fuck off and die doesn’t mean you should pressure me for my fucking phone number. I do not want to give it to you. You are an asshole. Harassing me will not make me fall madly and deeply in love with you.




Thank you so much for the douchebaggery you inflicted on me. I now have lost all faith in men and will now join the Carpet Munchers team.

***

I have disabled my “Add as Friend” button on Facebook. I cannot fucking take it anymore. I cannot take it when college freshmen and juniors hit me up over FB just randomly wants to add me as friend. Listen, some people who live in the virtual world, yeah those people who wants “popularity”, yeah those bitches are the ones with 100, 000++ friends. I am not those people. I only add people whom I know and like. The people I add are actually, shockingly, my friends. People I actually have some contact with, have a decent conversation with.


Me telling you to shut the fuck up in class because I was trying to sleep does not make a proper conversation. Me telling you to get out of my way, do not make us friends. We sharing one class, when I don’t even notice that we were in fact- sharing a class - does not make us friends. Stop trying to add me. I will not be part of your quest to achieve online immortality.



I now have disabled my “Add as Friend” button. I also deleted 77 people off my FB, ones that I have been arsed into adding. If you’re not my friend, or frenemy, I have no interest whatsoever in getting up to date with your life.

Now, step away from the computer and go live your life in the real world.

***

Also, can someone explains what fuckkery is this?




It keeps on popping out now and then. Pissing me off. Why is it doing that though?




Footnotes:

For part 1 of things that are pissing me off during the finals: click this.

For part 2: click this.

And now...a little free styling...

Too many words in my head. Too many stories to tell. Too many words. Too many plots. Too many tales. Assaulting my senses. Screaming at me in defiant. "Me!", they each scream. "Me! Pick me!" "Tell my story! Elaborate my past. Breathe life into me. Bring me into this world." Too many.



They scream out their cries of anguish at me during the dead of the night. They kept me up with their presence in my head. "Write us down. Don't let us die. Rescue us from within this enclosed fortress of your mind. Your imagination. Release us."



"But there's too many of you! I can't pick! I can't choose! I don't know what or whom to save!" "Should I save you, drowning girl? Should I choose you, tales of subjugation and oppression? Should I pick you, gremlin beneath the cellar? Whom? Which? Tell me! Tell me!"



"All of us and none of us. We are yours to rescue. Yours to give life to. We are but creatures spun from your soul. Your insatiable desire to be a taleweaver. We are nothing. We are everything. We are the core of your being. The reason you are you. We are you. We are your imagination, your eternal captives."



"Release us."



********************



I don't really do a lot of free-styling. Because when I do, the results of that free-styling is more often then not- is disturbing to me. Love it? Hate it? Feel the need to direct the Constantly Dramatic One to the nearest psych ward? Whatever rocks your boat. Just let me know.

Also haters, this is the best moment for y'all to make an appearance. If it's too difficult for you, then let me start it off for you:

"OMG!! This suck so much!!!! You can't write. You're stupid!! And FAT. FAT FAT FAT!!!!"

See, I'm helping you out here. Return the favour ya?