It's lonely on Aidilfitri

Disclaimer:

This is an emo post. Not a bitchy or a wildly amusing one. An emo one. If you don't feel like it than you can come back next week. I should be getting my mojo back by next week. But for now, I need to be all emo. And dramatic. Always dramatic.

*************************************

Tomorrow is the last day for Ramadan. Meaning on Wednesday Muslims across the globe would be celebrating Aidilfitri, the sign of the end of the fasting month and the beginning of the new Islamic year.

This would also be the first Aidilfitri where my family would celebrate without my sister and my brother. My brother have left for the States for 3 years now, the first year without him during Aidilfitri wasn't that good but we managed. And now that we have an addition to the family in the form of a brother-in-law for the first time, where should be excitedly celebrating together and all that but.......... the irony is that we will not be able to celebrate it together. It's sad. I'm sad.

Those Aidilfitri songs have never really mean anything to me. They're good songs, most popular during this time of the year. I never really listen to the lyrics until now. Those songs are deep man, who knew.

I was driving home the other day and one of it came on. I was stuck at the traffic light at that time. I was just listening to the song when tears came unbidden. Syahdu aku, nak Raya kakak ngan abang tak de. So I was just sitting in the car crying when I felt something on me. Some dude on the motorcycle was staring at me. His expression read "WTF crazy bitch?". And I kept on staring and crying and then his expression read "Dude, I don't want to deal with this crazy bitch" and he eased his motorcycle forward. Poor guy, probably was all confused.

When I was a kid, I resented Aidilfitri. It's so troublesome to go visiting the relatives, have to listen to aunts going about how fat I am, have to sit in the middle of my brother and sister, have to listen to my sister bitching, my brother's ridiculously loud Walkman, my parents arguing when they got the way to some great aunt's place wrong. Just too much shit. I resented it. I rather be home reading.

But now that those years have gone by, I realise how I miss them. Sure we bitch and we argue but we were together. In one place, in one country not spread out all over the damn globe. We were kids and we were a family on Aidilfitri. Now, it's only my parents and I. It's sad now. And lonely. I would give anything to grab the headphones from my brother's ears and threatened to throw it out of the car again. I would give anything to mess up my sister's do, the one that she painstakingly woke up at 6am to do. I would give anything, anything to hear them yell at me, telling me to stop it and then collectively say they wish I was never born. We were kids and we fight and we shared our food, and fought over the TV and we slept in each other's bed when it's raining heavily outside and the thunder's scaring us.

We were a family. And now we're not even together on Aidilfitri. They say you won't know what you have until you lose it and it's true. I learned it the hard way. I hope it is not the way for you too.

And now take it away Sudirman. Make me weep.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Malaysia.

Eid Mubarak world.

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Bitch move

Tonight, I got all bitchily territorial.

See, I used to be with this guy. We are no longer....you know, lets just leave it at that. But at that point he had this "girl buddy" who was his "close friend". Okay, fine. Platonic and all that. But the thing is I always knew that this "close friend" always wanted more from him. So when I got into the picture, she became a total bitch towards me.

Fine. Right. Whatever. This was in the past.



Whatever that was between me and him have ended but for some reason I have never stopped not liking her. She was a total bitch towards me. She used to give me the cold shoulder, to pretend that I was not there when I talk to her but somehow she completely changed when he's around. Like "OMG!! I love CD! She's my BFF" and then did a complete flip when he's not around.

Get what I'm sayin?

But I was young. We were young. Shit happens.

Today I bumped into her. She happens to work in some coffee shop that I always go too. It's been 5 years okay. I have moved on. She still works there. She came up to me as I was buying coffee. It's strange, when I was with him she used to pretend I'm invisible. Now that we no longer have him as a link between us, she goes out of her way to be nice. I don't get it.

So I was standing at the counter ordering my coffee when she just showed up next to me.

"Hey CD! How are you?!"

I stared at her. I know who she is. I can tell you her full name and residential address. I can even recite her whole fucking family tree.

"Oh I'm fine thanks......I'm sorry, but do I know you?"

"Oh its me Shasha*."

"...........................Shasha...............I'm sorry that doesn't ring a bell."

"Uhhhh................we used to hang out. You used to go out with my friend Rob*"

"You're his friend?"

"Yeah."

"I've never noticed you."

Silence.

"Uhhh........but we used to hang out."

"Did we? It's been years. I've been busy..........wait. I think I remember you. Oh yeah. Didn't you used to work here too?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Oh. I'm flying off next year. Furthering my studies and all that. So you still work here? Have you been promoted?"

"Not really......."

"But haven't you been working here for a long time?"

"Uhhh.........."

"Oh well, I guess a job is better than no job at all."

"Uhhhh............"

"Oh well I need to ciou now. Need to meet up with friends. So I'll see you around..........I'm sorry what was your name again?"

"Shasha."

"Right. Bye Shasha, nice meeting you."




In the span of 2 minutes I managed to dissed her job and made her feel as insignificant as she used to make me feel. I guess this is an achievement of sorts but, the thing is I'm not feeling proud of myself. I mean, why the hell did the inner bitch came out, out of nowhere? Am I still bitter over the whole thing after 5 years? I guess unknowingly I must have been.



At one point in my life, what I've done would have made me proud of myself. But somehow it just left a vile feeling down my throat now. I should have let it be. But for some reason I need to unleash it tonight. I wonder how she feels now. Not so good, I guess. I dissed what she do and made her feel small. Over something that happened between us, years ago, regarding some guy that I couldn't give a fuck about anymore.

Mean girls.

I've become one of them.

A jumble of things

A birthday shout out to my other September babies. Natalija on the 23rd, my sister on the 24th and whoever else who was born in the most ossum-est month of September.

So ossum that when you look at the calendar, it goes like this: July, August, OSSSUM, October, November.....I'm serious! Go check your calendar now!

************************

Posting will return to regular programming after Thursday. I just have so much shit to do now. I have a presentation and 2 tests on Thursday and I am not prepared for any of those. Stress! Too much stress! I cannot take it! Feel like stabbing myself in the eye with a fork!

Arrrgghhh!!

************************

I found my roadtax!! Woot! It was stuck in between my Sociology notes. Goes to show just how much I study that it took me this long to discover it.

************************

Went out for shisha and just chilling out with 7sunflowers + a non-sunflower for my bDay celebration. Of course there are piccies but I'm too busy and too tired to post it up now but this is a preview of the night:

Yeaaaaaaaa........

*************************

I wonder where my sayang is. Come back sayang. I miss you.

This day was made ossum by my birth

The Constantly Dramatic One is now officially 20-something. Ha! As if I let you people know how old I am.

Anyways, feel free to wish me love and adoration and make fun of the fact that I'm old and scaring me with the notion of grey hair. Yes Zikri, I'm talking to you. Also please begin your comments, birthday wishes, worships with:





"Her Ossumness the Constantly Dramatic One"



and ending with





"OMGWTFBBQ!!! I luv U!!!"

Failure in doing so would end in me rejecting your comment.








Also if you don't feel like commenting OR wishing me a happy and joyous birthday OR to offer to build me an altar of adoration for my fabulousness but instead would like to leave me a hate comment, please begin like so:








"Fat bitch I hope you die getting run over by a truck"








Please also include as much usage of the word "fat", "obese", "bitch" and "sayang" as much as your heart desire. If you feel like insulting my mother, father, granduncle, adopted half-brother, second cousin thrice removed, golden hamster and even the imaginary unicorn named Gustav that lives in the mountain plains of my own world of make believe- well go on ahead. You can also proceed to remind me which month this is according to the Islamic calender (hint: it's Ramadhan). Whatever rocks your world.








On my birthday, I would like even creatures that have nothing to do other than trolling people's blog, creatures who did not get enough love as children and basically creatures who are just so much inferior in the ossumness of my presence- happy. For you see, not only is the Constantly Dramatic One is fat, obese, dramatic and ossum, but I am also kind. More so to creatures that have so much time in their insipid little lives to read my blog and then leave amusing little hate-filled comments. It's okay. Nothing wrong with wanting to share my glory, sayang.








Plus, I love the ATTENTION. But…. you know that already kan sayang? Now revel in the ossumness of this day that is my birthday.








hugs, kisses, a pat on the head and muacks especially for my sayang,


her Ossumness,


the Constantly Dramatic One

Update (Sept 22nd 2008)

Sayang, where are you? Don't you want to remind me that I'm fat and that you want me lose weight so that I wont be hideous anymore? Also I've forgotten what month this is according to the Islamic calendar. Can you let me know again? Puuuuuhhhhllllllleeeaazeeeee.........*bats eyelashes kawaii style*

I'm waiting for your reply with bated breath sayang! Miss you already!

Muacks!

PSA

Regular postings of 3 posts a week on alternate days will be back to usual after Ramadhan. I'm sorry that I have been neglecting this blog for a while but I have been really tired lately. It's hard to be witty and dramatic when you're super tired.

Also Blogger is being a fucking bitch. I've wrote two epic pieces and it did not fucking auto saved and all is lost. I really wanna be pissed off about this but I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to sleep now. But I'm going to go to sleep all angry and shit.

Also, I'm emo. Turning a year older come Sunday. Pretty soon I'll get wrinkles. And then before I know it, I'll wake up one day to find that I am in the winter of my life. I would have to cover the mirrors in my home with bedsheet so that I would not have to see how haggard I've become....assuming I have mirrors. At the rate I'm going, I'm gonna end up living in a box. Who majors in Digital Videography if they don't have a stupid wish of ending up living in a box?


Apparently, I do.


So anyways one year older. Very emo now. Meh.

the Constantly Dramatic One's Shit List: Part 1

I have absolutely nothing to bitch about. No, nada, nothing. And this pisses me off. Like really. I am pissed off with the fact that I have nothing to be pissed off with. And with that I am starting a new section in Dramatic Musing, only to be used when I have nothing to bitch about. I'm calling this "the Constantly Dramatic One's Shit List" otherwise known as the section in which I bitch and rave about things/person/situations/shit that I hate.





On first place on my shit list is: Cutesy Girls




Oh. My. God. I hate cutesy girls. I hate them with a vengeance I cannot even begin to describe. It's like I want to gather all of them in one room, and then I want the wall to start pressing in on them, the floor will open up and sharp spears made to hunt boars with would jut out from the floor so that not only they will be crushed to death, they will be stabbed first. I would record the sound of their terrified screams and play it every night before I fall asleep smiling knowing I have rid the world of bimbos that have set womankind back decades. Dunno what I'm talking about, let me show you it.





Example 1:





"Oh mY gOd. mE sOoOo kAwAii!! mUst makE liPs LiKE thIS. tOO kAwAii!!"





Bish plz. Just because you pursed your lips, take pictures of yourself with your fake curly hair from a 90 degrees angle, does not make you cute. Listen, I dunno if you have noticed before but you are of Oriental descendant and with that comes certain traits. That particular trait I'm talking is that you have small eyes. Let it be. Come to terms with it. Stop fucking wearing all those fake eyelashes and opening your eyes up that big. No matter how big you open them up, it's not gonna happen.





It's just like my ass. Not matter how many butt exercises I do, my ass will always remain huge. Okay? I have come to terms with it. I have stopped staring at my ass in the mirror and willing it to be smaller. I have stopped taking photos of my ass from a 90 degrees angle just too see if it looks cuter. See, I have made my peace. You should too with your eyes. Let go of the fake eyelashes and the eyeliner and making yourself look all bug-eyed. It's not happening.

And oh, FYI, life is not a Japanese Anime. You are not a fucking Japanese Anime.


Example 2:

OMG. Look at this one. Another cutesy pose. If I ever see this bimbo in real life I would smack her so hard her great great grandfather dead in the grave would be able to feel it. "Ooouuu look at me!! I'm so cute and helpless and vulnerable. Save me."

Excuse me bimbo, I don't think you might have noticed, but this is the 21st century. The age of women being rescued by men have come and gone. Stop the fucking I'm so helpless and cute act. That whole vulnerability bullshit. Because that's what the whole cutesy act is all about, you want to be rescued. Thanks so much for your effort in setting back feminism 3000 years into the past.

Example 3:

I won't throw this one in the room with the rest of the Sisterhood of the Bimbotic Tits. Oh no.......This one deserves worst. What the fuck is up with the tongue? What you tit?!! What?!!! Why is there a need for you to take constipated looking photos like this and put it on the net? Why are there so many of your damn kind in my college?

Why is it that everyday when I go to college I have to deal with you? I have to listen to your whiny voices. I have to look at you pretending that you are too damn weak to push the damn door open and that you need a guy to do that for you? Why? What is the fucking appeal in playing helpless because ultimately that's what being cute is all about. Isn't it?

I think the reason why these tits pisses me off is cause every time I see them, I see weakness. I see a group of women who enjoys, who find pleasure in being helpless and vulnerable. Their whole life is about being rescued and being taken care of by men. It's damn frustrating knowing that in this age such mentality still prevails. These bimbos ought to be shot. And I bet they cant fight back anyways cause they're so................ helpless and all.

Should be easy to get rid of them then.....

**All pictures are courtesy of this website that is full of these tits that are making my eyes bleed. Thanks to Tine who introduced it to me, who I know wants me to bitch about it.

*** Also, a shout out to Natalija who used the word "tit" exquisitely and with vehemence that I totally wanna use it too.

The New Retro

The Constantly Dramatic One is here to declare 2 things.

1) I loved cupcakes before it was cool to do so. Suddenly out of the blue everyone loves cupcakes and it's the in-thing for any parties to serve cupcakes. It's like a damn trend. People, I have been getting fatter by eating cupcakes before any of y'all are. 2) I was waaaaay into 40's fashion and them pin-up girls before Hollywood brought it back with the help of Christina Aguilera and her whole 'Back to Basics' album. Waaaaaaay before you bitches jump on the bandwagon. I just need to point out that I, the Constantly Dramatic One, is waaaay ahead of the curve and also states that I am also cooler than you. Like I'm so cool that before I pull up into any parking lot I find it immensely necessary to blast my radio so loud so that everyone could listen to my crappy girly-pop music like the Sugababes ultra hip music. Cause I'm sad cool like that. Now that we understand the fact that I am collectively cooler than anyone else, and stop shaking your head and going "Tsk tsk, poor deluded thing. Tsk tsk.", I would like to say that Vanity Fair rocks!! No seriously. Their new spread about up and coming actresses is great. All them beautiful ladies have been style like the pinup girls of the 50es. The hair, the make up, the poses is just glorious. I'm practically salivating looking at these photos. God I love pin-ups. And to top it all of, some of these shots are a real tribute to some of my favourite pin-up artistes, Gil Elvgren and Alberto Vargas most famous works. Check it out! Original: Gil Elvgren New Retro: The pose is dead on. Original: Gil Elvgren. The New Retro: This is one of my favourites! It seemed to be one of the more accurate re-enactment. From art to reality. They even styled her hair according to the original. The position of her legs, the gift box, the lingerie are all the same.....it makes me ridiculously happy. Original: Gil Elvgren. This happens to be one of my favourite pin-up girl picture. Ever. Her legs, her shoes, the garter and especially the expression on her face is priceless. New Retro: Love it!!!! An updated version but still true to the original. Also the fact that the heels matches the apples on the desk is priceless. My only problem with this is that it looked to photoshopped as compared to the rest. She looks plastic, not human. Original: Gil Elvgren (?) The New Retro: Actually to tell you the truth, this particular picture is based on another pin-up girl art. I remember seeing one of those before but I don't have the original in my collection. That one is exactly like this but the thing is I don't have it in my collection. Anyone else does? Original: Alberto Vargas. This is actually one of Vargas's most famous work. The New Retro: I hate Hayden Pantyliner for reason that is too long for me to type. I mean, seriously. Loathe her. The only reason I stop watching Heroes is cause I can't stand her. And I don't even have a thing for that Milo guy. I just cannot stand her. But in any event, this is a good homage to Vargas. Original: Gil Elvgren. New Retro: Yes, the outfit is not the same but the pose is same, no? God, I need to start shopping again and get me some high-waisted pants, start wearing more makeup a'la the 50s, and get me some bighair so I can walk around pretending to be a pin-up. Any girls out there wanna join me? Guys too, if you're into this sort of thing. I don't discriminate, bitches. For the rest of the Vanity Fair spread - there's 26 all together- go here. And since I'm feeling generous, click on the pin-up below and you'll get to see my entire pinup collection. All 295 of them. I'll leave the album public for a week so you guys just save whatever you like.

Crap.

OMG you guys. Oh no. I lost my roadtax. My roadtax died like 2 days ago and my dad got me a new one. But I lost it. I put it on top of pile of assignments on the floor and now I cannot find it. I cannot find it!!!!

Shit.

Do you guys know if you can buy/purchase/whatever it is roadtax for the same car/vehicle twice? I rather not my parents know. If I cannot find it, I'll have to get a new one. Is there like a penalty? How much is it? Shit. I should go to JPJ right? Right? Shit. Where the hell is that?

OMG. I'm so scared. Does anyone know how much the penalty is and I just show up there right? Shit. I am so dead if my dad find out. Shit.

This is God's way of telling me not to curse and pray more often. Crap lah. Malaysians get back to me. And oh I can get stopped on the road for driving around without a roadtax right? And then I'm gonna get a ticket for that right? I never ever been summoned before!! Not even a parking ticket to my name!! Okay that was that one time for speeding but how the hell would I have know they set up a speedtrap?

Shit. And please nobody leave a comment that goes "It's in the last place you'll check." Obviously, asshole. If I have already found it why the hell do I need to search some more?

Okay, shit. I'm scared. Get back to me. Get back to me. Get back to me. Get back to me. Get back to me. Get back to me. Please.

Dude, I'm like....hightech

The following post was written on 27th of August but never published, due to some reason I cannot recall. But I'm betting it has something to do with being distracted by shiny stuff. I've added the pics later on and did some editing but just to make things clear, this was written before Ramadhan. Any disrespect is unintentional but if you are feeling that way than.......

That would be all. Thank you.


*********************************************



Hey did I mentioned that I got me a notebook? I didn't? Oh well....I totally did and it's ossssuuuumm!! I mean not that using the PC sucks donkey balls. It is a Samsung SyncMaster after all. Pretty topnotch............bout like 5 years ago. The thing is, it's in the study area. Open area. Where I have to sit at and put up with a considerable amount of disturbing shit and also makes it hard for me to look at pr0n no privacy. I mean, dude the whole house can totally see me Googling up half naked firemen.


I mean this one time I was looking at half naked photos of Clive Owen right and it was simply.............wonderful. Obviously by this time I was drooling and was so overcome with lust that I cannot even think straight. In my head, Clive and I was running hand in hand down the hill, some Hindi music playing in the background, he was half naked of course and I have curly ringlets a'la Drew Barrymore circa 1990. It was beautiful. And then out of nowhere, I heard my mother voice asking "What the hell are you doing looking at a naked man?" Dude.....I almost died. I mean honest to God. There's nothing more awkward then getting caught looking at provocative pics by your own mother.


Except for that one time when I had to sit through a sex scene with my mom. That was not my damn fault okay. It was that damn Viggo Mortensen fault. I heard rave reviews for that movie, "A History of Violence" and he acted in it and since my mom loved him so much in LOTR as Aragorn, I figured it'll be nice if we watch the DVD together. How in the blue hell am I supposed to know that there's going to be a scene of him pulling his pants down, exposing his damn ass to the world and started banging some chick on the staircase???? How the hell am I supposed to know that?!!! It's a "A History of Violence", not a "A History of Bangin Chicks on the Stairs"!! That was like one of the most disturbing, awkward moments of my life.


Anyways, I digress. Where was I? Riiigghht......Notebook. It's a HP Compaq Presario V3700. 14inch. It's glorious. Now I can look at pr0n all day do my many many assignments in my room without getting disturbed. Here I took some pics.

Pay no attention to the chick in the background. That's just my Wacoal calender. Also ignore the penguin. I like to whack my sis with that when she was around. And uh the Harry Potter thingie....ahhhh let's just say that at one point in my life- that lasted for 4 years - I was obsessed with the Harry Potter series. The notebook, pay attention to that, see how gloooorious it is.

I have a couple of questions however:

1) How do I hook-up my glooooorious notebook to the TV so that I can watch my illegally downloaded shows?

2) What's the best speakers to get? I don't want bigass ones. Think: travel friendly.

3) Is it necessary to get extra battery?

4) What's a good brand for a notebook backpack? I only have the messenger bag.

Get back to me on this one. I need your wise guidance.

*****************************************

** Actually...the Constantly Dramatic One does not watch pr0n. Seriously. Unlike you pervs out there, I am not visually stimulated. I am intellectually stimulated. Say it with me: Li-te-ro-ti-ca. I read, I don't watch. Imagination is sexier anyways. Remind me one of these days and I'll hook you guys up. I hook you guys up gooood.

After Ramadhan of course.

*** Saying that, bring on the hate comments about how bad of a Muslim I am. Talk about how I'm a fat whore that's going to burn in hell for this. C'mon haters, I know y'all stumpy little fingers are just itching for it. Bring. It.

Mucho gracias

First of, I am feeling much better now. I want to thank all of you guys who have left kind words in the comment section. Thank you so much. It makes me feel all warm inside to know that there's a group of people whom I do not know and probably will never meet in my entire life who care enough to take the time to make me feel better, even though the only thing that connecting us together is this blog. And the mutual love for drama.


Ahem.



Also thanks to my friends who called and texted to make sure that I'm all right. I'm sorry that I didn't answer any of your text messages or phone calls cause I don't feel like weeping down the phone. I do my crying alone, in the dark, on the bed and most of all, without anyone looking. But thank you so much for caring enough to enquire.



Anyways since I was so emo the other day I failed to realise the magical properties of the Internet. No seriously. I have to stop reading high fantasy novels all the time, where the characters lived in medieval times and the only means of communication were letter-carrying-pigeons that seemed to always be shot down or got caught in a storm. I'm serious! It didn't event occurred to me about email. I kept on wondering whether the letter-carrying-pigeons can cross the high seas to get to Malaysia. Grief can render you stupid. But in the case of the Constantly Dramatic One, it can downright make me spastic in the head cause you know.....I'm not that smart to begin with. Sad.



In any event I have Skyped with her and my brother in law. Damn, I even miss my brother in law. I have grown fond of him. Who would have known? They seemed to be settling in fast. My sister has even hit a mall and cycled all around the town to check out stuff. She says there's art museums at every corner that made her think of me cause you know.....I'm an artsy-fartsy-pretentious-snob-wannabe. I go to art galleries and talk about how a piece of art's brush strokes and the saturation of the paint on the canvas made the painting appears surreal when it's actually very dynamic yet sedated......... The previous sentence made absolutely no sense to you? It make absolutely no sense to me as well. And I'm the one that comes up with it. I just throw some words together, say it with a knowing look, a head tilt and a head nod at the end while holding a glass of sparkling juice so that I come off as artsy fartsy and cultured. When I'm not. Just pretentious as fuck.





Anyways, as you guys have pointed out....so she's far away, like 32,710,000 km away (I totally made that up, I have no fucking idea how far Finland is from Malaysia but lets just assume that it's 32,710,000 so that the separation seem more dramatic), but you know Skype is just so awesome. So is MSN video chat. It's not as good as the real thing but it's better than nothing. Also Finland is just 5 hours behind Malaysian when it comes to time difference. Meaning I don't have to stay up into the wee hours of the morning just to chat with her. I have to do that with my brother though. For those of you not in the know, I have an older brother too and he's currently working and living in Chicago. And Chicago is exactly 12 hours behind. Trying to chat online with him is a bitch cause of the time difference.



I am thankful that these days we have the Internet instead of letter-carrying-pigeons. Them pigeons are unreliable little fuckers. But you know it doesn't matter anyways. She could live at the far end of the earth or in a frickin volcano and we might not have emails or skype and it doesn't matter. Because wherever I go or do, there will never be a moment when she is not in my thoughts or in my heart.

Genting Highlands, circa 1989

Aidilfitri, circa 2000

Parting sorrow

Right....do you guys remember my bouts of depression not too long ago? That resulted into several therapy sessions with the college therapist and late night calls to Befrienders? Yeah......So I guess it's time to come clean.

My sister is leaving the country. In fact, the continent. She's migrating to Finland this Tuesday. Her husband who's an engineer for Nokia got a job there. Head of division or something. I'm not particular sure, what I do know is that she's leaving. This Tuesday.

My whole life, I have always been close to my sis. We have a complicated relationship. Loving but competitive. I guess not that complicated. Which sisters are not competitive and bitchy towards each other but still love deeply? Our case is not unique. Nor is this whole migrating to different continent thing. But just saying so doesn't make it any easier.

I was sad since that whole depression thing but I managed to reason shit out. I got myself busy with reading and scrapbooking and my mini project of trying to become a vegetarian and cooking on my own. Also spending as much time as I can with her. Which is difficult because she's married and all. But now that there's only one day left, it's hard to deny any longer of what I have been feeling for a while now. Sad, angry, alone and scared.

All my life my sister has always been there to watch my back. I get in trouble in school and she'll sot it out for me, not my parents. I get into a road accident and she's the one that I called to handle it. I fell down and sprained my ankle and she was the one there helping me out. It has always been that way. No matter what happens to me, I know my sister is always there, watching my back. Even when she's married I know I can still count on her. But now that she's leaving, I feel that the one person who has ever watched over me is leaving. And for once in my life I feel utterly alone. Like I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. No one to hold me and tell me it'll be okay. It's like falling down without a net. It's terrifying.

I understand that this is for the better. She's off to a better life. She'll be happy there. Starting a brand new life with her husband. She'll be happy there and I only hope what's best for her. But knowing that, knowing that it's all for the better doesn't make the separation and the leaving any easier. It doesn't one bit.

But I'm holding up better now. I did my mourning a while back and now I'm more in control. But you know what's eating me inside? The birthday thing. My birthday is Sept 21st and my sister's on the 24th. For so long as I could remember it has always been our thing to celebrate together, just the two of us on either the 22nd or 23rd. It's our thing. Our tradition. And this.....this would the first year that the tradition be broken. And it won't be the last. Every time I think about that, about things that would never be the same again I know that this is life. It's not all roses and good times.

I'll miss her. It will hurt for a long time afterwards. I will have to learn to live without a safety net but then you know...life goes on. No point in dwelling.