(Almost) Death in the cinema

I went to watch Predators on my own a couple of weeks back. Now, I am no sci-fi chick but for some reason or another I just wanted to watch it you know. This was of course a couple weeks back, before Inception even hits the cinemas cause you know, if you’re sitting there reading this and going “The fuck does she went to watch Predators when Inception was so much more Ossssummm!!” in whatever timezone you are in, well then let me clarify okay? This blog no longer runs on real time. Everything I tell you now is backdated cause I ain’t got time to blog in real time anymore boo. Mainly cause I’m lazy and have lost the blogging buzz…. but mostly lazy.


Fuck y’all.


Okay, that was uncalled for. I’m sorry.


Wait, where was I? Right I was walking by the cinema when I saw the Predators poster and I was like “Yeah, sure why not? I can do grocery shopping some other day. My entertainment fix is more important then say….stocking up the pantry so that I won’t die out of starvation.” Also, Predators was the member’s movie of the week which mean if you’re a member of the cinema you get a discount on certain movies every week. Usually it’ll be the last week the movie is playing in the cinema and because I’m a cheap bastard, I always wait till member’s week before watching any movie.


What? To borrow a quote from my dear friend but now-sadly-not-so-close-anymore Sharin; “I don’t shit diamonds okay.”


So I got the ticket, got the popcorn and went straight into the cinema….and it was empty but I didn’t really care cause I was there early. Even the screen was blank. So I just sat down in the middle, completely chillin and thinking other people would show up in a while. It is the last week for the movie anyways and it’s like one of the smaller cinemas. The lights darken and the trailers flashed onto the giant screen. So I sat there, shaking my leg, munching my popcorn thinking “Oh, 'The Other Guys' look good, I should check that out. Skank whore number 3 from 'The Day the War Begins' is irritating me and oh look! 'Salt'! I’m gonna die if I don’t watch it.” Just you know completely chillin…when it occurred to me that movie’s gonna start soon and no one is coming in.


The movie did start and no one fucking came in.


Sonofabitch.


Now think about this for a while: Big empty cinema. Dark, big, empty, cinema. Dark, big, empty, cinema with lots and lots of empty seats and places for lets say, SCARY FUCKING DEMONS TO HIDE IN BEFORE THEY JUMPED OUT AND DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!!!!

Or you know...eat your popcorn...

I was sitting there thinking “This is some bulllshit” but I really didn’t want to leave cause I already paid for it and please do remember that I am cheap bastard despite the fact that I could feel my figurative….imaginary balls shrink from the possible being-attack-by-scary-demons-from-a-hell-dimension…..but, but…dude, I paid for it. So I ran up and sat all the way back so that I can see the entire cinema. So if there is any bullshit brewing I can see it bitch and I can run the fuck out of there. And besides, there’s a wall behind me. So that’s good. Cause you know….things can’t walk out of walls right? Wait…..ghosts can right? And demons? And OHMYGAWD! Pontianaks!!!!! Oh wait, wait……there’s no Pontianaks in Australia. I’m good, I’m good….unless there are Pontianaks in Aussie and they live exclusively in cinemas.


Fuck.


You know, its one thing if I were to watch a chick flick or something. It wouldn’t have been that scary sitting alone there, but I had to fucking watch Predators. Inherently, it wasn’t that scary watching a bunch of humans getting hunted by an alien warrior race and then assraped repeatedly before getting decapitated….. but coupled with the fact that I was sitting all alone in a big, empty, darken cinema with a possibility of being ambushed by demons, pontianaks and possibly evil ninjas, made the experience and the movie consequently, so FUCKING SCARY! And then of course, it completely escaped me that the Predators can become invisible.


So in case you have never watch a Predator movie your entire life, Predators are this big scary warrior alien that looks like this:





And they have like advanced technology where they can make themselves invisible when they are hunting humans for shit and giggles. See, I knew this little titbit of sci-fi trivia but it completely escaped me until of course the invisibility-scene came on in the movie. And I was sitting there alone thinking “Motherfuck, maybe there is an invisible Predator in the cinema with me.”


………………………………………..


Dude….all I could think of at that moment was that….I won’t even know what to tell God if I were to die being killed by an invisible alien predator in an empty cinema. No seriously, what would I say to God? I’ll be like “God…I didn’t even know what happened. I was just sitting there alone in the cinema and the next thing I know this predator dude just materialized in front of me. I look at him, he look at me and that was it God. I don’t even know what happened.” Now, ain’t that a sonofabitch? But hey I preserved and the moment the movie ended, even before the credits rolled, I fucking grabbed my bag and got out of there. Seriously, I have never been more relief to see the crappy lighting of the cinema before this. And then suddenly, because I have survived possible demons/Pontianaks/evil ninjas/Predators attack, I was feeling all badass. So I snuck into another theatre.


Cause I’m badass yo.


The trailers were still playing in this one and I was like “Woooo hooo! Two movies for the price of one!” I was feeling all smug with myself. Now, you guys know how I feel about tattoos right? But at that moment, I even contemplated of getting one to demonstrate my sheer badassdery. Perhaps one behind my neck that says:

Bad Azz 4 Lyfe

So badass, I have to spell life with a “y” instead. No seriously. So I sat in this new theatre, as excited as a motherfucker wondering what free movie I’m gonna get to watch….when the trailers ended and my question was answered.


It was Eclipse.


I got up and left.


Fuck that.