Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Me and Bitchface McGee

So I got a new housemate.

Her name is BitchFace McGee.

Okay, that's not her real name. But it sure as hell fits her better than whatever her real name is.

She moved in here into the extra room last Thursday, round 9 in the morning. Now the reason I can be super specific with this is cause I was at the kitchen making honey glazed carrots for breakfast. That's right, I make fancy healthy, vegetable dishes for breakfast.

Yes, I am more awesome than you. Let it go.

So the story goes on, I was cooking and someone begun unlocking the front door. Then she came in...and this is literally my first sight of her:

Both hands full of stuff, a cigarette hangin of her lips reminiscence of the Landlady from that Stephen Chow's movie, and beer belly sticking out of her shorts. Like her shorts were falling of her, what assume is her hips, and her gut was just sticking out for the whole world to see.

It wasn't pretty.

And woman just walked in the house, guts all hanging out and not saying anything at all to me. Like I was completely invisible. I was so shocked, all I could managed was;

“I'm sorry, what?”

And then she looked over, gave me a once over, and then went:

Oh I'm moving in here. Do you live here?” dumbass. I randomly brake into peoples' houses and make fancy breakfast using their stoves.

Um, yeah.
I'm Michelle*.
CD. Where's you're from?
Britain. But my boyfriend lives in house number 9, that's why I'm here.”

How is that related?
God, everything about her was trashy. Like just white trash you know. I mean maybe I was being judgemental and shit...but if you came in waltzing into people's house without even a hello and your beer belly sticking out.....I'm just gonna make the assumption that you are indeed, a white piece of trash. Also, she reminds me so much of Vicki Pollard from Little Britain, it is insane. Not the way she talks...but the way she looks. And huney, that is not a good comparison.

So that was the first encounter.

Then that night her boyfriend came to help her moved in. They had a lot of shit so I was like “Oh do you need help with that?” and I just kinda helped carry some stuff inside the house. Not much but I figure since we gonna live together, might as well play nice. While I was carrying one of the stuff, I was like “Oh this is quite heavy” and her boyfriend, whom I met but 5 seconds ago went oh “Michelle keep her sex toys in that” like all jokingly.

Right. I just met you. I just met your gf this morning. And you are already making a sex joke with me?


When I woke up the next day, the front door of the house was opened, so I closed it. Then a little while later, it was opened again and I figured out it was her and she's didn't close the door behind her. And the same shit went on for like 3 days, woman just went waltzing out of the house and leaving the front
door just.....opened. I mean...what kind of a fucking idiot leaves the house without closing the door? It is not a tall order people. Close the door after you fucken leave. It is pretty basic. I It was weird. So when I saw her next I was like

“Hey Michelle, do you mind closing the door when you go out?
“When you leave the house, close the door behind you.
“I didn't?
“No, you didn't. And its been goin on for days now.”
“So close the door after you, okay"

I said all politely and nice and the woman replied

“Yeah yeah yeah” in that annoying dismissing way and literally just walked away.

Fuck. This is karma. When I was a teenager, I talked like that to my mom aaaallll the time. Fuck man, this is definitely karma. It was infuriating. I kinda wanted to fly back to Malaysia at that exact moment and beg my mom for forgiveness and be all like

“I'm sorry mom!! I'm sorry for being such an infuriating piece of shit! Please forgive me! Pleaseee! I've learned my lesson from this piece of white trash I'm forced to live with!!!”

However, me being me, wouldn't let that slide. So I slammed the door behind her. I just slammed it. Perhaps I shouldn't have done that...but if bitch thinks she can just walk away mid conversation with me, she better think again. If she wanna play this game, I could play this game. I could play this game better than she ever could.

And after that we just ignore each other inside the house. Just plain ignorance. No “hey”. No “How are you?” Nothing. It is weird. She hasn't even been here a week and she already made an interesting fodder for conversations. And the thing is, when she met Leigh for the first time, she just looked at her and then walked back into her room. I mean, wtf? You gonna live with us but you don't even acknowledge us? Weird right?

She has friends all the time, in her room but I'm so weirded out that she made no effort to get to know the people that lives with her. It is weird. Like she just came in, decided to be outright rude to people she is living with and that's it. I'm not saying we all should be best friends but civilized at least? But I wouldn't know...I'm not well-versed in white trash culture.

It is still not a problem...for now anyway. She's rude but she's not obnoxious. So far, the house is still clean, her friends are confined into her room and she's not in my face. If she is, well...she'll find out.

Looking forward to that actually. 

Friday, March 25, 2011

Close encounter of the creepy kind

We shall begin today, with where Creepy-Ass Gym Dude (as he will hereby be known) left off. So he came by last Sunday and wanted to hang out and I told him no, like all in his face y'all. It should have been noted that when I said that...his face changed. Not scary changed, he just look utterly surprised. That was all, and after that he didn't come around (that I know of) which gave me a relatively creepy-assholes-free existence for an approximately 3 days until Thursday rolled in.

I was at the shopping mall library when I saw someone I recognise vaguely as one of his housemates. Here in Aussie, they have libraries in the shopping malls and the libraries are pretty kickass. You can borrow DVDs, CDs, audio books, magazines, foreign language media, video games (PC, XBOX, PS 1,2,3 and Wii) on top of the usual books and they're all free. You don't even need to pay to get a library card, you just need a valid Queensland address. That's all. Malaysia should get on to this- stat.

So I was in the library at the fiction books section when I saw the guy whom I recognised vaguely as his housemate. I certainly have seen the dude coming in and out of the house by the gym before. So me being me, completely panicked cause I assume Creepy-Ass Gym Dude would be there and I was not wrong. In like another second he appeared and they were making their way to the DVD section. And I was like “He didn't see you, be cool. Be cool.” Of course I was telling myself this while I was also trying to hide behind the bookshelves and sort of walk run to the furthest bookshelf from the DVD section. Once I got there I just crouched down on the floor and stared intently at the books that were in front of me. The thing is, the titles didn't made sense at all and I cannot figure out why they were not making any sense. But that's beside the point.

The point was, there I was, a grown woman, crouched on the floor, trying to hide from some guy. The fuck? Come on! I am better than this. I am woman. And as a woman, I can take whatever that life throws at me, throw some glitter on that shit and sell it over eBay for 5 times the cost. Cause I am woman. So I stood up, grabbed a random book of the shelf and just started thumbing it. So what if he sees me? I will not be cowed...despite him knowing where I live and all that. I know where he lives too! So there! So what if he's creepy?! I'm bitchy. I can handle this. I am badass. I am woman. All these shit was goin on in my head as I furiously thumbed the book like it owed me money or something. Then a voice asked me;

“You're not Japanese...”

It was some kid in school uniform.

“No I'm not. Why?
“But you can read Japanese...
“Isn't that a Japanese book you're holding...I just assume could read Japanese. Cause that would be cool.

Oh....that's why it was not making any sense....

“I'm Malaysian. Everyone from Malaysia can read Japanese. It's in our learning syllabus.”

The kid looked thoroughly impressed.

“Yeah...I need to go now anyway. Konichiwa.”

Totally pulled that out of my ass man. So what if I was not totally un-frazzled? I am woman. I will rise above this. I did however...stayed in the library for another hour after I made sure the coast is that I won't bump into him in any other part of the shopping mall.

You bitches can stop sniggering now.

Things were fine until Leigh* asked me to go the gym with her. Up to this point, I have been avoiding the gym like a plague. Leigh is my 23-year-old Australia housemate. She is, by far, the sweetest person I have ever met in my entire life. She is also, the nerdiest. I kid you not. The woman has been on the Dean's List since her first sem and she studies Biomedical Science. That shit is not easy, and to be on the Dean's List every damn sem is quite a feat. Fuck, I study Journalism which is chicken shit compared to what she is doing and I'm not even close to the Dean's List man. She's very clever, but also very shy and timid. It took me about 10 days to coax her into talking to me when she first moved in. At first I thought she was an arrogant bitch cause she won't talk to me but then whenever I talked to her, said hello or whatever, in the early days,she would smiled shyly at me before scurrying into her room. Like a mouse. Bitches don't smile and scurried, they give you dirty looks, ignore you and model strut into their room. I have now managed to get to talk to me...and now, she doesn't want to shut up. I swear to God. Sometimes my brain hurts from her chatter, but I don't mind.

“Leigh, I don't wanna go to the gym...Creepy gym asshole would be able to see me.
“But I'll be there. You won't be alone. Plus, what about that whole “I am Woman” thing you spewed when you came home just now?”

Ah for fuck's sake...

It was with heavy trepidation that I followed Leigh to the gym that night. Things were okay for the first 10 mins, I felt semi-relaxed....until Creepy-Ass Gym Dude showed up. I am fucken with you not. The dude showed up. I am woman...but I freaked out like shit. Inwardly, of course. I was controlling my facial features but I was screaming bloody murder inside. He came in, looked at Leigh who was on the elliptical and completely avoided my eyes. I was like “Okay, will not be awkward if you don't make it awkward. Be cool CD. Be cool.”

So I continued running while Leigh continued with her one sided chatter, oblivious to my drama. And the whole time, he continued being in my view but avoiding my eyes and I was avoiding looking at him. It was fucken stupid. High school never ends people. He was doing all kinds of push-ups and abs curls and bla bla bla. I don't want to say that whole show was for my benefit but um......

  1. There are so many weight training equipments in the gym, why are you not using that asshole?
  2. Why are you doing push-ups and abs curls, shit you can do on your bedroom floor but you chose to come to the gym, and in my full view?

Sometimes my life is so stupid, I just wanna give up.

Then he moved to the back of the gym where he was actually using the equipments, and considering the fact that I was running on the treadmill and all the equipments are facing the treadmill, I'm just gonna make the assumption that he was also looking at my ass. Do you know how fucked up it is to be running and to have someone creepily stare at your ass? It is fucked up. Then the whole time I was on the treadmill, I keep on telling myself to go faster than usual cause I wanna show him that if he ever chase me as prelude to killing me and then mutilating my body and then burying me in concrete at a construction site, he will however, need to chase me first. Which is tricky, cause he's an athlete...and he runs track.

See, I know there are bunch of young athletes living in the complex. I seen them train and I have spoken to some of the girls who's on the team and they told me that they been placed here for their training. They don't work, they don't study, they just train. I seen them around with their coach sometimes and I know they go to some high tech gym over the other side of the town. The girl that I spoke with have been to 2 Olympics and 3 Commonwealths I think. I'm not sure. But they're athletes and they do track. Creepy-Ass Gym Dude is one of them.

So that's why when he showed up last night, I was all spooked. Why do you come to this stupid apartment gym when your government is paying for you to go to some state-of-the-art gym? Amirite, amirite? Ah creepy. But yes, I can't run as fast you but I still run asshole. I can still run. Also I don't get it, I'm not even hot. If I am totally hot, I would get this but I'm not which brings me to my other theory:

Have you guys heard of this well jock thing, that when their team is in a bad state, one of the jocks would find a fat chick and have sex with her so that they could get out of their losing track or something. I never heard of it, until I come here. But yes, its like sports superstition. Take one for the team aka have sex with a fat chick and then your losing streak would be over. Seriously! Have you not heard of this?

I'm fat. I wear a size 14 AU/UK. He's a jock. Think about it...cause I reckon this is what it is all about.

I left the gym without looking at him and as soon as we got home Leigh went;
“That was the guy right?
“How could you tell?
“There was a seriously weird vibe when he came in.”

I wish he would just find another fat chick for him to get over his sports funk or whatever cause this is irritating me. It's not fair. He has his fancy athlete gym, I only have this one. I should have custody of this one.


Monday, March 21, 2011

Creepy assholes need not apply

I am freaking out here people.

I know I have been gone for a looong time and well, life happens. To get y'all up to date: I have now gone on an epic quest to become a bonafide runner. I have done three 5ks so far, signed up for my first 10k next month and if all goes to plan, I will be running my first half-marathon (21.5km) in July during the Gold Coast Airport Marathon. And for all that, I have been hitting the gym quite hard actually. Like.....90 minutes sessions 6 days a week. And that's just cardio, we're not talking about strength training yet. I abhor strength training by the way, but it has to be done. It would help me with the half marathon and the full marathon at the end of the year.

Which brings us to our actual story here.

The gym that I go to is my apartment gym. It is not one of those fancy schmancy Fitness First-type gyms. It is just equipments, open 24 hours a day for residents, comes with the rent and well, situated in a glass bubble in the middle of the complex, overlooking the pool. I feel like a fish every time I workout cause of the glass walls.

Our story begins last Friday while I was hitting the treadmill hard. I try to walk/run (cause I am not such a good runner yet) at least 7km a day...sometimes 10km a day when I feel like it. I run outside sometimes too but it is autumn now and it has been raining a lot here in Brisbane...I really could not be bothered. So I was on the treadmill in my aquarium gym, it was completely empty but for myself when this guy came in. He smiled. I nodded. Then he started saying something and I was like “What now?” I honestly do not know what he was talking about cause I was trying not to die here. Running for me is that fine line between pleasure and eternal death. Gotta concentrate so that I don't keel over and die whenever I run. Obviously, this fucker did not realise that.

Dude went on and on and I honestly do not know what the fuck he was saying. I was like “Um asshole, can you not see I am trying to workout here? WTF?” But obviously I didn't say it, I was more like “Uh huh” to whatever he was saying. I did get bits and pieces of it, mostly along the lines:

“Oh I see you in the gym before.

“Uh huh.

“You come here quite often.

“Uh huh.

“You really workout huh?

“Uh huh.

“So I see you tomorrow here round this time?

“Uh huh...wait what?

“I see you tomorrow.

“Uumm...uh huh.”

And then he left, which I was thankful for. I finished my workout and then it occurred to me that dude was trying to chat me up. And that was just ridiculous cause when I go to the gym, I always, consistently look like shit. We're talking old shirt, faded pants, sweating buckets, flushed cheeks and just gross all around. And who the fuck chat up girls on the goddamn treadmill anyway? And I was like okay, that was weird and that was that.

The next day I went to the gym round the same time and he wasn't there which I was thankful for. Finished my workout and as I was leaving the gym, he came running out of his house waving at me. Turns out he lives in the house right NEXT TO THE GYM. Which kinda make sense at that point. And he was like

“Oh I thought I come see you after you're done...


“So what are you doing tomorrow?


“I'm just gonna walk you home okay?

“Umm...this is where I live.”

Like, the gym is probably a minute walk away from house. So we kinda stood awkwardly in front of my place. The thing is... I have noticed him before round my area cause he's kinda hot. But in a threatening kinda way. There are 2 types of hot: The first being men who are just hot cause they are good looking (ie: Orlando Bloom) and the other type is that they're kinda have a dangerous vibe to them (ie: Clive Owen), kinda like a bad boy. This guy is of the second type. He's about 5'11, slim, muscular, really nice arms.....but its kinda messed up cause one arm is pretty much all covered up with tattoos. And y'all know how I feel about tattoos. He's hot when I seen him around from afar, but now that he was standing in front of me, with his tattoos and is intimidating. And threatening.

“So I'm going in now...really nice meeting you again *Tyler.”

He just stood there like I was supposed to invite in. WTF? I just met you. Again, awkward. Then he said

“Okay I'm just gonna talk with my boys and I'll be back okay?”

After that he just left, he didn't really give me an option. I was like “Did that just happened? Did that guy just invited himself to my place?” And of course, I freaked out. I texted like 3 of my friends


Set the police hotline to my number 1 speed dial and literally just barricaded myself inside my bedroom for the next half an hour...and he didn't show up. So I thought it would be safe to go out to the kitchen cause I was really hungry at that point. Just as I was starting to cook, he knocked on the front door and the shitty thing is that my kitchen is right next to the front door. I can't actually hide now can I? So he stood there looking expectantly at me and I felt cornered....I invited him in. I should not have done so but I felt cornered. I was also, well frightened to a certain degree cause I didn't know how he would have reacted. So he came in and it was really tense, well for me. He seemed really relax and I was on the edge of my seat especially cause the house was empty but for the two of us. Both my house-mates were out. One went home to her parents' place, the other is spending the night at her boyfriend's so, yes, I was edgy. Thankfully my phone kept on beeping and ringing cause of the message I mass texted to my friends so I was like “Look! You cannot kill me now cause people know you are here!!!”

At one point he even said “You look so tense, I have a bottle of wine at home. Would you like me to bring it here?”


He could have just said “Oh yeah, I totally wanna get you drunk so I could rape you when you're out cold.” Would have cut out all the bullshit right?

I finally managed to fake a very important phone call from Malaysia and told him to go home. Before that he was still like;

“Right, so what are you doing tomorrow?

“Movie with a friend. He wants to watch that new war movie.

“Oh what time is that?

“I dunno yet.

“What about at night?

“Going out with my girls.

“What about Sunday?


He stared at me while I try to keep a straight face. Church, my ass. I'm not even Christian dude. Then I said

“Look, we live here. I'm sure we would bump into each other someday. I really need to take this call now.”

And he left. It was strange...and I am creeped out by it. On Saturday, I did went out with the girls and then on Sunday round 6pm he came knocking again. The shitty thing was that I was sitting in the living room watching some creepy-ass movie so when the knock came, it scared the shit out of me. And again, I was alone. No house-mates. I answered the door and he was like

“Hey what are you doing?

“Watching a movie.

“Should I watch it with you?”

Seriously, that's what he said. How pushy can an asshole be? And I said

“Um no, I'm planning to get some work done after this. So no.”

He looked surprised so I went on.

“So I'll see you okay?”

And closed the door. And that was that. I wonder if he got the message.

I'm kinda creeped out still. What if he comes around again tomorrow? I mean, he knows where I fucking live people. My house-mates are back but still....And this probably means that I can't go to the gym anymore cause then he would know when I'm home, right? This is bullshit!! All I want is to do is workout in peace. Is that too much to ask for? For fuck's sake man!

Plus, I dunno what he wants but he's coming on too strong. Coming around whenever it suits him. WTF. I don't even know you. It's creepy! Like he could at least ask for my number so that he can call before he wanna come around. Not that I would give him my number, but it won't matter cause he KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. It's scary. I'm creeped out. It's okay if he's not coming on too strong but he is. Plus, he's in a no-win zone anyway with those tattoos.

Looks like I have to start running outside tomorrow and the weather forecast says it would rain.

This is bullshit.