Thursday, June 03, 2010

Heal me, I’m heartsick

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

(Larkin 1971)

I’m upset. This may or may not be a big deal but it is nonetheless upsetting.

As a recap, in case you guys have forgotten the location of my family members are as follows: My parents are in Malaysia, my sister and her husband lives in Finland, my brother alternates between Chicago and Malaysia, I’m in Australia and together….we are….a Malaysian family. I just need to remind you guys of this considering the fact that its been a while since I blogged frequently.

So my parents have been making plans to visit my sister in Finland since like the beginning of the year. And I know all about their plans cause well, we’re family… supposedly where my mom would go on and on about how much she misses my sister and my sister would go on and on about how she have to clean the house up from top to bottom before my parents get there or she’ll get her ass handed to her- all via Skype. It’s cute really watching mom and daughter fretting about nothing. About a month ago my parents finalized the planning of the trip and they told me that they’re flying to Finland from KL via Frankfurt.

So I asked them, them being my parents, “How long is the transit in Frankfurt?” and my mom would go “Oh I’m not sure. I let your father handles all that.” And then when I ask my dad he’ll go “Oh I dunno, ask your mom. All those things are too complicated for me.” This coming from the man flies out of the country every other month for business. I thought it was kinda weird but I just let it be you know. My parents are both in their 50s and you know…old people are weird. Ahem. Then the night before they fly off I called my parents on the phone, not through Skype mind you, telling them to at least text me as soon as they get in Frankfurt. And if there is free wireless at Frankfurt airport, if I’m online we can chat…help them pass the time you know. My dad was like “Uh huh, sure”, all nonchalantly.

The next day I received a text message from my dad. It was in Malay but it goes something like this:

“Hey sweetie, your mom and I are already in Germany. Your sister and brother-in-law are meeting us here later. We’re going to have a one week vacation here before heading off to Finland. We all love you sweetie.”

Say what now?

I was completely flabbergasted. You know it is not going to be a good day when the first words that comes out of your mouth early in the morning, upon reading the text message from Daddy Dearest was “What in the fucking blue hell?” Nope, never a good day. At first I was just stunned, and then the realization hit me. They been planning this for months and none of them were going to mention it to me. WTF? The thing is I am not even remotely pissed about them vacationing in Germany without me. I mean hello, without my parents could I be studying abroad now in Australia? Not everyone could say that. Who am I to bitch just because I can’t join them in Europe when thanks to my parents I have traveled to other countries before this? I mean, its fine. My parents and my sister have not seen each other for a while, so what if they wanna holiday together. It’s kinda sweet actually. I’m totally cool with it. But what gets me, what really fucked me over is the whole secrecy part.

I mean, the fuck?

I don’t understand it. That’s why neither my mom nor dad could answer how long the “transit” in Frankfurt cause hello! There is no fucking transit in Frankfurt. I don’t get it. Why don’t they just come clean with me. I am 20…something years old. I mean, fucking hell, I live alone here. What, they think I’m still frickin 12 years old and that I would throw a bitch fit cause they were going to go to Germany without me? Throw me a frickin bone here people! I mean come on, gimme some credit. Jesus. So they known this all along, for fucking months and none of them could mention it to me. It’s not the holiday part that royally pissed me off, it’s the fucking secrecy part.

I feel like being in high school all over again when you walk on a bunch of girls talking shit about you, and the moment you show up they suddenly kept quite. Only this time around, it’s not a bunch or hormonal teenage girls lusting over N’SYNC, but my parents- the people who are supposed to love me the most in this mortal existence without reservation and prejudice.

My ass.

At first I was fucking pissed off but then when the anger gone away all that was left was this overwhelming pain. I’m hurt. I’m really hurt. I can’t explain the reason for it but I feel so betrayed by my parents. I feel… disappointed in myself that my parents have such a lowly point of view of my character….. that I am already 20something and I am living abroad alone taking care of myself and still they could not see me as an adult. They think so lowly of my maturity and my character that they treated this thing…of what was supposed to be a non-issue on my part, as if I was still a child playing in the sandpit. I mean, people, I am not a child. Have they seen my boobs? How could anyone not see my boobs? My rack is the type of rack that you write home about so don’t tell me they don’t notice it. Do they think that kids have boobs like this? Huh? Huh? Why can’t they be straight with me? I don’t care about Germany. Not only that they think of as a child and immature but also, materialistic cause this what this is about. How my parents, ultimately view me as person.

That I am immature, materialistic and whose opinions are not worth being heard.

And that hurts. That hurts me more then when I dislocated my knee, hurts more then when I fell off the stairs and tore my lips, and it hurts me more then when Snape dies in the 7th book- and people I cried for two days straight cause of that and went on to wear black and do not wash my hair for a whole week as a tribute to his sacrifice. That shit was heavy. Rowling was heartless towards the end.

But no, this….deceit from my parents hurts more then all of that combined and then some. I could honestly say that from now on, nothing could ever be the same between me and them anymore. The veil have been lifted from my eyes and I see them for what they are:

Deceitful, condescending and inadequate as parents.