Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Fuck you Biawak

Australia is fucking with me. Seriously. It is fucking with me.


Remember when I wrote in passing that a fucking giant lizard appeared at my feet? Well, it happened. Again. That son of a bitch was about 3 inches away from my right foot!! And if you’re thinking “Chill, it’s just a small lizard.” No you mofos, it ain’t a small lizard. Malaysians would know this as a “biawak”. Let me just translate that for you non-Malay reading/speaking readers. “Biawak” means motherfucking hugeass lizards. Okay it does not mean that. I made that up. You’re online. Google it.


So anyways, let me re-enact that faithful day in which I almost had a near brush death experience (ie: being bitten by a biawak). I was walking to class with the Malaysian girl I’ve mentioned before hereby will be known as Mini Skirts. Cause that’s what she wears all the time. Mini skirts, then she bitches about how cold the lecture hall is- much to my amusement. Anyways I was walking to the lecture hall with her. We’re not taking the same subjects but somehow both of our classes are in the same building so we just went there together.


See, the thing bout my campus is…is that it’s in a forest. Now imagine a preserved forest if you could. Think of the beauty of Mother Nature and the importance of preserving it. Now imagine, again if you could that they cleared a huge chunk of land in the middle of it and built a university. Like a little town of its own, in the middle of the fucking forest. That’s how my campus is now. It is all sort of creepy at night. My only consolation is that they don’t have pontianaks in Australia. I’m very sure of this cause I had an in depth discussion with a friend over MSN and by the end of it we came to the conclusion that Pontianaks cannot fly that far over the sea and find me in Aussie.


God, I hope that’s true.


Anyways back to the story, right so there are trees everywhere. Bushes, low hanging branches and little pathways in between buildings. FYI, there are exactly 81 buildings on campus. Having a lecture in Building 32 and then a tutorial in Building 68 right afterwards with only 10mins gap is a wwwwhole lot of fun. I’m still in the process of perfecting my speed walking skills. In the middle of walking towards the lecture, Mini Skirts suggested that we should take a shortcut. We could walk on the fully pavement way or we could cut across the little paths with the bushes. Cause I was too lazy to walk that much I decided that yeah, this was a good idea. And then the nightmare begun.


I was walking along the path, chatting about something or other, feeling the lovely autumn breeze on my skin and the rustle of my skirt against my knees and thinking to myself “Oh my, what a lovely weather. We never get it this lovely in Malaysia” when I sensed movement at my feet. I looked down and there it was. A fucking biawak by my feet. It was like 3 inches away and I was wearing these open toes gladiator sandals. Sonofabitch!!!! It was about 3 feet long, black skin with green stripes. Green stripes!!!!!!!!!! And it was by my feet!! Dude, I didn’t think long. I screamed and I fucking ran out of there. I remember pulling up my skirt and running cause I was wearing on of those knee lengths, 50s style skirt. Mini Skirts didn’t know what was happening. She heard me screamed so she screamed too and started running. Fuck man, we covered what was supposed to be a 15mins walk in under 5 mins. By the time got to a somewhat “safe” place we were huffing and puffing and at the same time, a security guard was around. He hurried to us and he was like


“Are you girls okay? Did someone attack you? Was it the flasher?”


FYI, apparently there was a flasher round campus area. Hiding in the bushes and jumping out at random intervals to flash girls. No dude, seriously. They sent out an email to everyone’s student email. Campus Security thingie. So I was like


“No no, biawak. Big fucking biawak. By my feet.”


He stared at me. Mini Skirts eyes were bulging out “A biawak attacked us?”


“Miss, what’s a biawak?”


“Ohhhh a lizard. Big fucking lizard. Black, with green stripes. Sharp teeth. OMG, so scary.”


“Ooohhh a Goanna. That’s allright. I thought it was the flasher. Oh lizards are fairly common round these parts. They’re allright. Won’t harm you one bit. Unless you have meat on you.”


“Why was it by my feet?”


“He probably wanted to get to class too.” Then he laughed at his stupid little joke, pats me on the back and told me that it’s all allright.


Sonofabitch.


It was safe to say that I was traumatized by it all. Had nightmares that the biawak was eating my feet for 2 nights afterwards. Then over the weekend, Mini Skirts and I went to the museum. Yeah, the museum. Hey man, I have only been here for 2 weeks. I’m doing the whole tourist thing. And then there it was on the wall, a display of the same damn lizard that attacked me. Okay...maybe "attacked" is a strong word. Let's go with "ambushed". A display of a lizard that ambushed me. Much better. I found a person who works there and she actually went through some books to find some information for us. And here it is, it’s a Lace Monitor. And for your viewing pleasure this is how a lace monitor looks like:





Now tell me if you wouldn’t run screaming into the night if you saw that thing by your feet too. I mean fucking A Scott, I already have lizard issues as it is. And this mofo….according to the wiki page is venomous.


I am scarred for life now.


27 comments:

Tanglebloom said...

really when you think about it, would you rather have a flasher 3 inches away from you or a lizard?

answer wisely.

Summer said...

fuck THAT. i wouldve lost my shit, too, man.

quin browne said...

i looked at the photo, and went ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

with a flasher, you can point and laugh.


with a lizard, you scream.

Frank said...

See, this is why I'm glad I live in a relatively cold area, at least compared to Australia. It's too cold here for lizards or giant insects or much of anything that would send me screaming away.

jaak said...

lelaki buaya darat

Cheryl said...

Holy shit! I'd pee my pants.

peachy said...

I'm sorry, but HAHAHAHA! Omg. You are too funny. There are lizards at my uni too! And they're hugeass motherbleepers. But they scamper away so no problemo. Unless you have food.

winda said...

ever thought that maybe the whole lizard family took a liking on you? i mean, after the cicak and then the biawak...
Just a thought, though. Doesnt mean to make you scare of something ;)

but that lace monitor is eewwggghh... *at loss of word*
I'll be screaming for my life too if it was on my feet!

faye said...

oh god. my toes curled in horror when i read your description. then when i saw the picture, i took my feet off the ground. i hope there are no biawaks in the pacific northwest.



aaaaaaaaah creepiness !!!!!

and i doubt pontianaks will go to auzzie :)

Tinesh said...

You dint chase it away with your "gladiator" sandals? :P:P

Ehh kasi intro aku kat Mini Skirts :D (fuck i sound like some desperate horny pervert hahaha)

Zikri said...

eat it
if it's a male, cut the penis of and nail it to a wall with a notice
"Warning, Flashers Will Be Castrated"

Fieran said...

I know exactly how you feel. You are in the university I studied at ;) It is scary. But after awhile, you get a bit numb to it. No, the fear doesn't go away, but you start to avoid all these paths near the bushes etc. Like if you go near the John Oxley walk etc, then you will see these fellas too. I stopped running in that area because I was so freaked out :(

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Tanglebloom:

Flasher dude, flasher.

I mean fucking biawak is venomous and it could have bitten me...with a flasher...well he would only push open his coat and that's it. I will be momentarily shocked by his show of a miniscule penis but once over that, I would start laughing like a bitch.

Plus encountering a flasher would make a funny story to tell, not a motherfucking scary one.

Summer:

And lost my shit I totally did.

Quin:

And run. Scream and run. It ain't rocket science =S

Frank:

Maaaan, Australia is full of all kinds of creepy crawlies. It's ridiculous. But hey, you're a runner so you could have run even faster then me. =p

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Jaak:

Jaak, dude....focus okay. You are waaay off topic here.

Cheryl:

I almost did!....If I wasn't too busy running away.

Peachy:

Dude....I think my legs were food. =S

Winda:

You know, I have the same theory too!! S.O.B!! Damn you lizards of the world! Damn yooooou!!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Faye:

Well....no pontianaks but lizards instead. Damn dirty lizard bastards.

T-man:

You have always been a desperate horny bastard. Hahahaha!!! =p

Zikri:

Babi ah kau Zikri. The penis part is sooo wrong. Mental picture. OMG.

Fieran:

Ahhh babes, no different one. You were in the city. I am now in some kampung. Oh wait...here they called them "suburbs". Makes no difference really. Damn creepy lizards are everywhere.

Technodoll said...

Um, just wait until you get hit in the face one night by a giant furry fruit bat... and oh, the fist-sized spiders... and the snakes everywhere... ugh ugh ugh.

You're a helluva lot braver than I ever would be!

*runs away screaming*

evie said...

I nearly puked when you were talking about the encounter. Totally puked when I saw the pic. Oklah, that was a bit overlydramatic but that's how I felt. You KNOW my issues with lizards as well.

And re the pontianaks... you're right - they can't fly over there. It's too far. But I hear pontianaks have cousins everywhere...

Ania said...

God that's scary as hell.

Zikri said...

See, before you replied I thought it was just a funny yet really cruel thing to do to an animal's penis.

Now I'm cringing and my boy is inverting while typing this

mell said...

memang puki cibais lizards are, no matter what size ok.

hey cd, let's start an anti-cicak movement, my one wish: if i could eliminate any creature for good, it would be the damn lizard and all its relatives!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I believe they're quite tasty if you roast them in an underground oven.

insomniaclolita said...

Hey we do call it biawak too over here, I'm indonesian. And these kinds of animal scare me way over my head.

Anonymous said...

"The Flasher", have they accepted him (I presume it's a him) as part of normal campus life and he strikes at will and if so what subject does he lecture in?

Sorry if this comes through twice, had a bit of trouble there.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Techno:

What brave? I screamed and ran didn't I?

Evie:

You will pay for that last statement Evie. Seriously.

Ania:

I know!!

Zikri:

Inverting? Hahahaha!!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Mell:

YES!!! The world don't need them anyways! Little ugly crawling bastards.

Gorilla Bananas:

I will sit this out thank you very much. But you go ahead, enjoy yourself.

insomniaclolita:

Yay!! Another Indonesian reader =)

And man...biawaks are scary.

Anon:

Shit, you think he might be a lecturer? Ahhh man....that's so fucked up. I don't want to see any lecturer's penis.

I haven't heard any updates of the flasher though. I could ask campus security...

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I was just being a bit silly about a pretty serious subject, but it is disturbing nevertheless, whatever occupation he does or doesn't have!

liyana r said...

Girl, funny how this happened to u. I was walking to class yesterday and i saw a friggin 2ft armadillo. And it stayed there in front of me for the longest time ever. No joke. Thanks to mr armadillo i was late to class. but seriously why the hell would an armadillo block a tiny pathway in broad daylight. oh shivers