Thursday, November 13, 2008

So begins my life long phobia....



The following post that you are about to read is something that is very.......personal to me. It is something that is so......horrible that I spent a considerable amount of my life trying not to think about it. But alas....every time I see one of them lurking about, crawling around my fear is triggered back again. I will experience the now familiar feeling of nausea and the emotional, mental need to puke even though physically I do not need too.......The following post will depict my traumatic experience when I was assaulted by a cicak. A single experience that will change the course of my entire life........


Okay, not as dramatic of course. Hahaha! Just talking shit. Hey y'all, I am the Constantly Dramatic One. If there is no drama, I need to be creatin sum. You get what I'm saaaaaayyyiiiin?






I had several of my non-Malaysian readers asking me what a "cicak" is. By "several" readers, I mean precisely two of them. I used the word "several" so that I would come across as popular and cool, which I clearly am not. But it's okay, I live in my own world of make believe and in that world- I am the most popular girl. Ever.






Ever bitches, ever.



So I was thinking to myself......"Dude, wtf is cicak in English? Does it even have a name in English?.....Wait does cicak even live outside of this country?........". So I Google up "cicak" and all I found is this lameass Malay Wiki page but it did however provide me a clue. "Uh huh!! Those little bastards are geckos." Using my super ossum CSI skills, I Google Image "gecko" and I found those little, icky suckers. Apparently, they are called "house geckos"....well no big stretch of imagination there. And you can see how they look like if you click here. No way in hell I'm putting up pics of fucking cicaks on my page. Fuck off.





Those little slimy bastards must die.






So now let me explain why cicak scares the bejesus out of me. On why every time I see any one of them, my first impulse is to run like bitch while screaming like a banshee and then when I do find a safe cicak-free spot, proceed to puke. Totally. Right, let's take a trip down memory lane of a memory that I always try to forget but never could.........






The year was 199*, I was 13. (Ha! As if you bitches gonna know how old I am) and I was at one of my aunt's. I was pretending to watch the TV while trying as hard as I could to eavesdrop on my parents and my aunt and uncle while they're gossiping bout someone or other. Then out of the blue, my aunt told me to get some brand new silk sheets that she got in Thailand for my mom. She told me specifically that it is in the "big brown cupboard in the next room, go get it now cause I want to give it to your mother". Alright, fine. Whatevs. Like a good kid I went to get it and as it happens, this is the point in time in which the universe decided to Fuck. With. Me.



As it turns out, a cicak was trapped in said big, brown cupboard. I do not know how the damn cicak got in there okay, but it was there. And the night that I was supposed to get the bedsheets for my mom was the night where that damn cicak was trapped in the cupboard. Here is what I think happened: I think that cicak was freaking out that it was stuck in the cupboard so it went towards the crack of the door that was emitting some light in. So this would placed the cicak, right in between the cupboard door. Like half body is on the left door, vice versa. Little piece of shit was in the middle. At the same time I came in to get the bedsheets. Cicak was contemplating its eternal entrapment in the middle. I opened the doors to the cupboard. Cicak went flying off the door possibly screaming "OMGWTFBBQ!!!!" in cicak language.












I saw that cicak flying in the air and in a split second it landed. On my lips. That's right. I had a fucking cicak on my lips. I did not scream. I remember looking down and the cicak was staring up at me. Time stopped. Then it scurried down like a little bitch before stopping RIGHT BETWEEN MY BOOBS!!! Okay to be fair, I was 13. There wasn't much boobs, they were just growing after all but that's where that little icky fucker stop ok. My only consolation that it was on the outer part of my shirt. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. I dunno why it stopped between my boobs, maybe it was horny. I dunno. After that, that little fucker crawled down my body, stopped on my left foot then it disappeared. I was in shock. I just stood there for like a minute.



When the shock was over I ran like a bitch towards the sink. I washed my lips with water and that wasn't enough, I took some of my aunt's dish detergent and smeared it all over my lips and then wash some more. I repeated that like 5 times all the while not making noise. I didn't scream or anything like that, I think "shock" is the word we are searching for. Then I ran to the toilet because I had an overwhelming urge to puke which I did. My parents thought I was sick. I wasn't able to tell them that a cicak landed on my lips in between throwing up.






But it was horrible. After that incident I had this intense fear of flying cicaks and how they gonna land on my lips again. For a while, I even cover my face whenever I open any cupboards. Just in case. I haven't done that for a long time but cicaks still make me nervous. Every time I see a cicak, I could feel it on my lips. It's not fun. It's traumatizing and disgusting and just so damn wrong. Fucking cicak bastards.





Great. Now I'm all creep out again. Okay, let's look at cute photos of cats and dogs to be rid off this creepy cicak-related sensation on my lips....






Awww how cute is this dog? Forget bout the damn flying cicak CD, forget about it.









And this kitteh, awwww bless. Too cute. Awwww, and while we're at it let's look at how cute I was....






See, I was totally cute. Waaaay cuter than you when you were a kid.....ahem. This was the life before I was assaulted by a flying a cicak. A life free of cicak-related paranoia....I can't remember that life anymore....Why you flying cicak bastard? Whhhy?!!




I shake my fist at you!!







* This post is dedicated to Peter and Rujing, the two people who asked what exactly is a cicak.

** The cut off bit of my baby picture is because the date and year was there. Don't want people to figure out how old I am now, do I? I totally have age issue man....

27 comments:

Peter Varvel said...

Ahh HA HA HA HA HA!
. . . and: AWWW, you were ADORABLE!
The poor little frightened cicak, just trying to give you a lil' kiss!
Thanks for the youtube clip!
In Hawaii, geckos are considered a good thing, I think, maybe they are good luck.
I worked on the island of Guam (south of Japan) and they would come into my bedroom, leaving little trails of dried up cicak poop on the walls. My friend asked me to please stop sleeping with my mouth open, ha ha ha!

Summer said...

jeezus christ you are HILARIOUS!! totally just got the stink eye from my boss because i was laughing my ass off at my desk reading this post.

Michelle said...

That is the funniest fucking story ever!!!! I, too, would be horrified, but it would be WAYYYY worse for me if it was a cockroach. Love the baby picture of you! Didn't you confess your age your last birthday? I swear you did....

Technodoll said...

LOL! Lots of people keep geckos here as pets! They're not slimy... kinda neat like salamanders.

OK they creep me out too :-D

pattirmina said...

haha. tcdo.

Cicak went flying off the door possibly screaming "OMGWTFBBQ!!!!" in cicak language. <----- hahaha.

and, wtf. on your lips!! and crawling on your body some more! If i was in your shoe, i would've totally freaked out too.

anyway, totally diverting from this post. you're looking gorjass in your profile pic up thr. =)

intoxicated_toxic said...

ahahahhah.. cicak lizard gecko.. i hate them. my encounter was not as horrifying as urs tho it DID crawl inside my gown on my skin and god that split second seems like eternal to me.

i totali launch a hate campaign to those dem *insert preferred swearing* cicax!

*this is me saying HIIIEEE - see my sengih?*

Nick Phillips said...

Cicaks can fly???

Tinesh said...

Hahahahaha!!! On your lips man!!! Now, if you ever decide to kiss me on the cheeks for any fuckin reason Im gonna decline HAHAHAHA!!!

Your baby pic. Fuckin ON hairdo wey.

PS: To the world of CD readers, I know exactly how old CD is. Buy me a nice cold beer and/or pass me RM 50, I shall whisper in your ear

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Peter:

How is cicak good luck?! Honestly? Those bastards are creeepy.....And I know!! I was totally adoreable....what have happened to me now???!! Why am I not as adoreable?!!

=p

Summer:

Is that your real name? Summer? Damn, that's an ossum name. The other one is Autumn. And thanks for visting my blog! =D

Michelle:

Dude, a roach once flew up my mom's skirt. True story. Hahahaha!!!

And oh I said I was "19". I'm not 19. I lied. =S

Techno:

All geckos....especially cicaks HAVE to die.

Seriously.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Patt:

You're right, maybe the cicak was Malay in origin, no? Instead of "OMGWTFBBQ!"....it probably went "Opocot mak kau!" =P .Hahaha!

And thanks babes, that's all professional makeup right there.

toxic:

Hey, wanna start an army? Like an army of cicak destroyers? You can totally be my First Lieutenant.

I see your sengih and I tgh sengih back at you! =P

Nick:

Well that particular one can....well to be fair....I think the exact description should be "falling down with style and landing on my lips". The little bastard.

T:

Dude, that pic was taken in Genting Higlands. I was so cold that all my hair stood up. My parents thought it was hillarious.

Also, if you tell anyone my real age, I will kick your skinny ass all over Bangsar.

Seriously.

Melissa said...

ewwwwww!!!

okay maybe i'm not as terrified of cicaks as i am to roaches but they're still unwelcomed pests anywhere near my territory. when i was in primary school i had a terrible encounter with one cicak; it fucking fell on my head when i was in class! luckily i pakai tudung masa tu, if not i would've screamed bloody murder... well actually i did, when my fingers clumsily enclosed around that slimy lil thing urghhhhhh!!!!

ehhhh lagi satu, bukan ke bunuh cicaks dapat pahala? aren't they supposed to be Muhammad s.a.w.'s traitors??? see memang patut pun dibenci dan dibunuh!

sab said...

this made my day! hahaha! and the photos are cute!

on your lips and onto your boobs?! i'd be traumatized too!

i'm scared of flying cockroaches, they look creepy and dirty.

Summer said...

um yup, real name :)

mell said...

no shit CD! i totally know how you feel man, my heart goes all the way out to you and all CD fans, i'm one person who can attest to the cicak gross factor! CD, the sonofabitch cibai punya cicak landed on my leg once because my smart ass older brother knew i was damn fucking scared of these creepy crawlies, and he INTENTIONALLY, i repeat, INTENTIONALLY placed one of those baby cicaks in the film container *y'know, the film we needed to use for cameras way before we had digicams and whatnot* and gave it to me as a "PRESENT". fuck that man! i fell for it, the gullible fool i was, and lo and behold, my worst enemy popped right out and went *splat!* on my lap and i jumped out of my seat and yelled til the cows came home.

ARGH BLOODY CICAKS! no fucking purpose on earth and yet you exist! baik pergi mampus kau! ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

p/s: did you know that a lot of people think that when you move into a new house, the sigh of a cicak is when your house becomes a home? BULLSHIT i say, it's the first sign i'm moving right out!

*end rant* (:

Quin Browne said...

omfg.

when the one on 'madagasgar' licks his eye, i almost gak.

you poor baby!!!





but, it wasn't a grasshopper. or a zombie.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

Oh God tell me about it man, i've got my fair share of unpleasant experience with these little fuckers myself. the most notable incident happened back when i was bed-ridden. i mean in a total veggie state and this one cicak just had to do a fucking free-falling stunt which landed right on my bed. how do one expect me to react since i cant jump nor run for my life. yea man, go ahead and laugh, i actually screamed my freakin lungs out i almost shit in my boxers. cicak isnt my biggest fear but i was scared shit this fella might find its way and sodomise my virgin ass.

emma said...

lol, i just looked cicak up on google images and they are gross! to think one landed on your lips is just....well poor you is all i can say. is much as i feel sorry for you i cant help but laugh. i used to collect snails.

splatme said...

you were kissed by a cicak. later on have all of his body, including probably his erect cicak dick, on your 13-year old tits. lastly, he got to crawl on your tight legs. one damn lucky cicak. i wish i will be one in my next lifetime and harrass 13-year old girls. hek hek hek.. just messing with you, cd.. i got a much needed laugh on your cicak molestation...

AJ said...

OMG!! ur blog is sooooooo fabulous!!

anyway, i would be screaming like a drag queen if i see a frog :P

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Melissa:

Eeehhh betul lah. Cicak yang betrayed Nabi Muhammad kan? The slimy little bastards. Tapi rasanyer kalau bunuh hari Khamis, malam Jumaat jer lah dapat pahala. Other days....not so much.

Sab:

Damn bloody cicaks. =S

Summer:

Lucky you. My real name sounds slutty. True story.

=p

Mell:

What kind of dumbass think that the sign of cicak is good luck? WHOOOO?!! WHOOO?!! Tell me so that I can go and kick their asses!!! Stupid fucks.

Also, your bro is an ass. I mean, I would disown my bro if he does that to me....have you disown yours yet?

Quin:

You're right....it would have been much worst if it was a zombie.

*nods sagely*

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Kerp:

Of all the times dia nak free fall....hahahaha!! I'm sorry but that's funny. Damn cicaks. I wasn't the only one their kind terrorized!!

I shake my fist at them!

Emma:

Eh, are there cicaks in Aussie? Hopefully not. They're all slimy little bastards.

I used to catch tadpoles =P

splat:

OMG!! It never occured to me that I was sexually molested by the cicak. Eeeek!!!

aj:

No no, YOU'RE fabuulooouss! OMG I totally would scream like a drag queen if I see a frog too. Haha!

Nerd-tastic said...

I actually really like cicaks! I think they're cute :P

senorita.. said...

if it happens to me, i WILL be totally traumatised.... n would prolly start a worldwide campaign urging people to start killing 'em. worldwide cicak killing spree. even offer rewards man...

Taxy Driver said...

Man... now, I'm traumatized.

evie said...

Man. That is SO NOT funny. I was feeling a little pukey when reading this - not certain if I even wanted to continue reading.

Although mine isn't as bad an experience, the stupid cicak that landed on my right leg and hung on for dear life when I was 10 is enough to make me feel nauseous everytime I see one. That plus the story of how my friend licked one (she's not too bright that one) and how my mum accidentally squished one when she got out of the bath (a story she immediately decided to share with me knowing how grossed out I'd be) is enough to keep me frozen in fear everytime I see one dead or alive.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go puke out my lunch...

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

nerd:

Then you and I clearly do not share the same idea of "cuteness".

Senorita:

And I will support you every step of the way.

Taxy:

Feel my pain. Feel it!

Evie:

...................Why would anyone lick a cicak? Honestly? Why?!!!

*speechless*

evie said...

why indeed... she was having lunch (fried kuay tiau or something) when she picked up a prawn... or so she thought. but instead of doing what us normal beings do when faced with such uncertainties (ie scrutinize it by LOOKING at it) she decided to lick it instead. upon feeling its weird texture she then looked at it closely only to find that it was a deep fried cicak! i feel like hurling just from telling you this story...