So begins my life long phobia....

The following post that you are about to read is something that is very.......personal to me. It is something that is so......horrible that I spent a considerable amount of my life trying not to think about it. But alas....every time I see one of them lurking about, crawling around my fear is triggered back again. I will experience the now familiar feeling of nausea and the emotional, mental need to puke even though physically I do not need too.......The following post will depict my traumatic experience when I was assaulted by a cicak. A single experience that will change the course of my entire life........


Okay, not as dramatic of course. Hahaha! Just talking shit. Hey y'all, I am the Constantly Dramatic One. If there is no drama, I need to be creatin sum. You get what I'm saaaaaayyyiiiin?

I had several of my non-Malaysian readers asking me what a "cicak" is. By "several" readers, I mean precisely two of them. I used the word "several" so that I would come across as popular and cool, which I clearly am not. But it's okay, I live in my own world of make believe and in that world- I am the most popular girl. Ever.

Ever bitches, ever.

So I was thinking to myself......"Dude, wtf is cicak in English? Does it even have a name in English?.....Wait does cicak even live outside of this country?........". So I Google up "cicak" and all I found is this lameass Malay Wiki page but it did however provide me a clue. "Uh huh!! Those little bastards are geckos." Using my super ossum CSI skills, I Google Image "gecko" and I found those little, icky suckers. Apparently, they are called "house geckos"....well no big stretch of imagination there. And you can see how they look like if you click here. No way in hell I'm putting up pics of fucking cicaks on my page. Fuck off.

Those little slimy bastards must die.

So now let me explain why cicak scares the bejesus out of me. On why every time I see any one of them, my first impulse is to run like bitch while screaming like a banshee and then when I do find a safe cicak-free spot, proceed to puke. Totally. Right, let's take a trip down memory lane of a memory that I always try to forget but never could.........

The year was 199*, I was 13. (Ha! As if you bitches gonna know how old I am) and I was at one of my aunt's. I was pretending to watch the TV while trying as hard as I could to eavesdrop on my parents and my aunt and uncle while they're gossiping bout someone or other. Then out of the blue, my aunt told me to get some brand new silk sheets that she got in Thailand for my mom. She told me specifically that it is in the "big brown cupboard in the next room, go get it now cause I want to give it to your mother". Alright, fine. Whatevs. Like a good kid I went to get it and as it happens, this is the point in time in which the universe decided to Fuck. With. Me.

As it turns out, a cicak was trapped in said big, brown cupboard. I do not know how the damn cicak got in there okay, but it was there. And the night that I was supposed to get the bedsheets for my mom was the night where that damn cicak was trapped in the cupboard. Here is what I think happened: I think that cicak was freaking out that it was stuck in the cupboard so it went towards the crack of the door that was emitting some light in. So this would placed the cicak, right in between the cupboard door. Like half body is on the left door, vice versa. Little piece of shit was in the middle. At the same time I came in to get the bedsheets. Cicak was contemplating its eternal entrapment in the middle. I opened the doors to the cupboard. Cicak went flying off the door possibly screaming "OMGWTFBBQ!!!!" in cicak language.

I saw that cicak flying in the air and in a split second it landed. On my lips. That's right. I had a fucking cicak on my lips. I did not scream. I remember looking down and the cicak was staring up at me. Time stopped. Then it scurried down like a little bitch before stopping RIGHT BETWEEN MY BOOBS!!! Okay to be fair, I was 13. There wasn't much boobs, they were just growing after all but that's where that little icky fucker stop ok. My only consolation that it was on the outer part of my shirt. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. I dunno why it stopped between my boobs, maybe it was horny. I dunno. After that, that little fucker crawled down my body, stopped on my left foot then it disappeared. I was in shock. I just stood there for like a minute.

When the shock was over I ran like a bitch towards the sink. I washed my lips with water and that wasn't enough, I took some of my aunt's dish detergent and smeared it all over my lips and then wash some more. I repeated that like 5 times all the while not making noise. I didn't scream or anything like that, I think "shock" is the word we are searching for. Then I ran to the toilet because I had an overwhelming urge to puke which I did. My parents thought I was sick. I wasn't able to tell them that a cicak landed on my lips in between throwing up.

But it was horrible. After that incident I had this intense fear of flying cicaks and how they gonna land on my lips again. For a while, I even cover my face whenever I open any cupboards. Just in case. I haven't done that for a long time but cicaks still make me nervous. Every time I see a cicak, I could feel it on my lips. It's not fun. It's traumatizing and disgusting and just so damn wrong. Fucking cicak bastards.

Great. Now I'm all creep out again. Okay, let's look at cute photos of cats and dogs to be rid off this creepy cicak-related sensation on my lips....

Awww how cute is this dog? Forget bout the damn flying cicak CD, forget about it.

And this kitteh, awwww bless. Too cute. Awwww, and while we're at it let's look at how cute I was....

See, I was totally cute. Waaaay cuter than you when you were a kid.....ahem. This was the life before I was assaulted by a flying a cicak. A life free of cicak-related paranoia....I can't remember that life anymore....Why you flying cicak bastard? Whhhy?!!

I shake my fist at you!!

* This post is dedicated to Peter and Rujing, the two people who asked what exactly is a cicak.

** The cut off bit of my baby picture is because the date and year was there. Don't want people to figure out how old I am now, do I? I totally have age issue man....