So...yeah.....awkward....

You know what is ridiculously awkward?


Hot is when you went out for a night of partying with your friends and saw a really hot guy….and then ended up having eye sex with him the whole night.


Ironic is that despite having steamy eye sex with him all night long….nothing actually happened.


Ridiculously awkward is that about a week later, when you are looking like absolute shit because:

a) You woke up at 6am to go to the morning market…
b) Did not shower or even wash your face cause the market will close soon and you really want that 50cent packet of carrot…..
c) Wearing an oversized shirt that has a giant Minnie Mouse on it…which is in fact what you have slept in the night before, with a pair of 3 quarter jeans….
d) And c’mon, seriously! Who looks good going to the morning market?


….when you bumped into him.


The hot dude. Whom you had eye sex with all night long.


It’s like the figurative “morning after". But from Hell.


However, you have forgotten all about you looking like shit cause you are completely thrown by the fact that he is the dude….that is selling you your 50cent packet of carrots.


Then the realization hit you:


You had eye sex. With a dude that that sells carrots for a living. In the morning market.

Ooops!

He too recognizes you and smile. But you didn’t and pretended that you did not recognize and hurry the fuck out of there before the friends you came with to the market, who went out to party with you days before realizes this little trivia and Never. Let. You. Forget. It.


So yeah, in case you guys do not know what is ridiculously awkward- that is ridiculously awkward.

Fool me once...shame on you

Remember when I wanted to be a “playa” and dated 2 guys at the same time? Yeah….remember that?


Yeah……that blew up in my face.


Bigtime bitches. Bigtime.


So here is the story. The Lieutenant would not be part of it. Long story short? He just wanted to fuck me. I do not want to fuck him. The end.


I mean he was hot and all….but nah. Despite all the kinky, sex talks on this blog….the Constantly Dramatic One is not that kind of girl. I don’t have sex/boink/bang/sleep with/fornicate with men for fun. It’s long term relationship or nothing at all. So I dump his horny ass as soon as he started putting the pressure on me. I was like “What the fuck, buttmunch? Put some lotion on it and leave me the fuck alone.”


Okay, I might not have said those exact words. I kinda said “It’s not me. It’s your horny ass. But with some rehab, maybe we could be friends afterwards ya?”


Okay, I did not say that either.


Point is, The Lieutenant and I? It did not happen. It would not have happen. Cause he was just my plaything. I kept him around for the kicks…and the attention. Other then that, nothing really. Cause when everything have been said and done…it has always been Geek Boy from the beginning. It always has.


Until that blew up in my motherfucking face.


So remember how I had like this wonderful first date with him? Full of cuddling and unspoken frustrations accumulated over the months when we pretended to be only friends and nothing more when in truth…we have never been only friends. There has always been something there. Or perhaps it was just me, confusing reality with fantasy. Wanting it to be so much like the books I’ve read and the tales I used to write of lost love and unspoken desires during my teenage emo years. And sometimes still do.


So the date was on that Tuesday. During the date I’ve asked him why it took him so long to ask me out but he kept quite. So I dropped it. Then that night he texted me. I can’t remember what he wrote exactly but it sounded kinda like this


“Even though I really like you and I feel that you do like me too….its still hard for me to ask you out cause I have no real self confidence to begin with. So that’s why it tok me this long. But I’m glad I did though. I had a great time with you today.”


Or some shit like that. The actual part that I actually remember was the self-confidence thing. Then we texted for a while and that was that. The next day, he didn’t call. So I was like, okay…maybe he is playing it cool. The day after that, nothing. So I told myself, maybe it’s a guy thing. Maybe it’s this. Maybe it’s that. Bla bla bla. However by Friday when I did not hear anything from him, I was flat out agitated. I mean it was bullshit. We had a great time. We’ve cuddled bitches! What the fuck was goin on? Then, I called him. It was that Friday night and I really wanted to know so I was like “Fuck all. I’m gonna call him.” Which I did.


You know how it takes like oh….I dunno 10 rings before the phone goes into voicemail? Yeah….guess what? When I called him that night, it rang like twice and it went straight to inbox. Yeah…..fucker rejected my phone call. It was….well for lack of a better word: unbelievable. By this time I do not have to tell you guys that I was all kinds of messed up. I was upset and confused….I was like “Was it me? Did I say something wrong? Did I scare him? OMFG it’s me.” Self doubt is not something I’m prone to do but somehow he was making me do that. And it sucked so much donkey balls.

Then after much consultation from my girlfriends, both in Aussie and in Malaysia, I decided that the best way to deal with this fucking MIA shit he is pulling after the first date is to call him again. So I did. On Saturday morning. I need to know what happened. I have prepared for it to be rejected again and to leave like a non-threatening, non-pathetic voice message when the unpredictable happened: He fucking answered the phone. So I was like playing it cool.


“Oh hey, how are you?
“I’m good.
“So um like, are you sick or something?
“What? No? I can’t speak right now. The game is going to begin in like 10 mins.
“What game?
“My soccer game. I’ll call you back.”


I forgot that he plays soccer/football (depends on which side of the world you come from) on Saturday mornings. So I was like “Oh okay, he’ll call back.” Right? Riiiight? Of course he will.


I was such a goddamn fool.


So I worked on my assignment, did the laundry, vacuumed the floor…all with the phone by a hand’s reach. Waiting, waiting….waiting. Somehow the phone had become my enemy. The longer it doesn’t ring, the more I despise it. At this moment I was sad and confused and hopeful but by the time 7pm roll around and I’m sure that he isn’t gonna call, all that shit turned to full on rage.

Who the fuck does he think he is? What does he think he’s playing here? It doesn’t take a scientist to figure out that I got played. Either way you cut it: I got played. I got played by a fucking geek. So now I’m pissed. I’m done feeling sorry of myself. I’m done thinking its all my fault. Fucker have a problem and I intend to let him know it too. So I called him again that night, twice. This time I wasn’t worried that I would come across as desperate and/or pathetic. This time I just wanna yell at him and to shove it up his ass. But of course, he did not answered his phone.

Motherfucker.

I was left fuming with no outlet. I wanted to wring his neck. Fucking run him over with a truck. Just fucking kill him. I wanted him to die. But he’s not answering his phone. He left me hangin. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard. On hindsight, I’m glad that he did not answer his phone cause revenge is a dish best serve cold and that’s precisely what I did.


I know that whatever happened I will see him the next Saturday. Cause we have an exam together. I know. I also know that the best revenge when it comes to this is to look as good as possible and let him know “Yeah…you see all this? Yeah. You ain’t gonna have this.” So Saturday came and I had formulated a plan. The final exam carried only 30% of the class mark; I have already gotten a credit for that class without the exam so I’m all set. It was a fucking exam. My usual exam ensemble consists of jeans, flip flops and a hoodie. Not that day though.

That day I put on this maroon dress that I look fantastic in, 3 inch high-boots and a cardigan. I showed no skin except for the space where my dress ends and my boots begin. Very simple, yet fetching. I’m keeping it classy. Now I know for a fact that I look good. You don’t plan on an outfit a fucking week and not come out looking good.


The exam was 2.30pm. I know, him being a geek would be there early. Like an hour earlier in the waiting hall. So I had to come later and I have to make an entrance. Which I did. I only get into the waiting hall round 2.10ish. I went straight to my friends but I took my time at it. He was in the hall, and I want him to see me. Drink it all in bitch, cause you never gonna have it. Then I sat down with my friends and all the while I felt someone looking at me and I turned around and he was looking at me. With this hopeful and kinda scared look. Then he smiled. I did not smiled back, I did not gave him a dirty look….I look through him and looked away. It’s like I did not know him. He’s too low to be even worth one of my dirty looks. Fucker looked way scared at this point, I can assure you that.

Then the course convenor called the students in and I went in first. Now when you enter the exam hall, you are required to fill in the front seats. I know that if I were to go in first, he would wait later to go in cause he is avoiding me. I know that when I sit in front, he would be looking at me and not the other way around. Which is the plan. Then before each exam starts, the course convenor would ask if everybody is sure they have their phone off. Those who do not; have 2 minutes to do so. Now I know that I have offed my phone. I know this. But the fact is I was sitting 3rd row from the front. He was somewhere at the back. So I stood up, took of my cardi- to show off how low cut the dress is at the back- and then proceed to strut to the other end of the room to pretend to check on my phone. I know he was looking. The plan is for him to see me. 100% visibility. Not the other way around.

Mission accomplished.


I checked my phone right after I ended the exam. And it was no shocker that he texted me. Two messages.

1) I hope you did great in the test.
2) I’m sorry I didn’t call back. I was really busy. I just realize that I am way behind my studies! I know you’ll be mad but I’m gonna try anyway.


Seriously, what fuckery is that? “I’m busy?” You motherfucking piece of shit. You have time to wake up at 7 in the fucking morning to go play soccer on a fucking Saturday and you have no time to fucking text me or call me back? You have time to eat and sleep and you have no time to fucking text or call me back? You have time to fucking take a dump and you have no time to fucking text or call me back?


Buuulshit.


Bish plz. As if you were studying 24/7 that you couldn’t possibly tear yourself away from the fucking text book and fucking pick up the phone and just fucking tell me that you can’t talk cause you’re busy. Okay, bitch? I dunno what the fuck his issues is, but somehow it became mine. With that final text I decided that I’ve won. This time, I’m the one that gonna ignore him. I planned it all. And I planned it well.


What I did not plan was for him to be waiting for me outside the exam hall. I was expecting for the text messages or maybe a phone call but not him waiting for me. That took me by surprise. He was waiting for me and he has this hopeful look on his face. I should have acted nonchalant, but because that took me off guard I kinda gave him a weak smile and kept on walking. I did not walk towards him but away- towards the busway. And he walked with me all the while he was going on and on about how busy he was and that he was sorry and that he knows that I’m mad with him…..but I kept on walking. I did not say anything. I was just thinking how ironic it was that we were walking the same path we walked so many times together, when we had fun, when we flirted, when he carried my books and to this.


To this bullshit.


I don’t really remember what he said, but I wasn’t really listening. I was busy being sad and angry at the same time when we reached the busway. I stopped walking therefore he did too. I looked at him and saw the reason why I liked him so much. Even after all that, he’s still very attractive to me and I said….and I’m not proud of it and I did not planned it….it just came out. I said….

“Please never ever speak to me again. And no, let’s not stay friends either.”


Harsh? I know.
Did I plan it? No.
Did it hurt him? Yes, it did.
Did it hurt me? Even more so.


I didn’t realize how hurt I really was until I said that. And then I walked away. He didn’t come after me. Would you after that? He did call me that night. Calls which I rejected- just to let him have a taste of how it feels. And 2 days later I left for Malaysia. I deleted and blocked him on MSN and Facebook. I deleted all his number and messages on my phone. I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.

I went back to Malaysia and then to Finland and I got my head cleared. I deserve better. I don’t know what the fuck his deal was but I deserve better then to be played like that. It wasn’t like we were together. It was just a bullshit phase in my life. I got back in Aussie, moved into a new place and I figured that I’ll start this sem fresh.


Then 2 nights ago, he called.


I didn't know that it was him till I answered the phone. I’ve deleted his number and I didn’t memorize it. We talked, he ask me how I was. How did I do for the last sem. How was the holiday. And then he asked if I can meet him this coming Tuesday. I figured that we are both adults, I can bury the hatchet. So I said okay, I’ll see him on Tuesday. It wasn’t until I put the down the phone did I realize how bad of an idea this.

I mean seriously. I thought I was over this but the fact that all I could think of right now is how much I want to slap him when I see him pretty much shows that I am not ready for this. It’s either slap him or push him into incoming traffic. Either one would make me a convicted criminal and get my visa revoked. Which is no good.

So I’m gonna cancel on him. But I’m only gonna let him know that like an hour before we are supposed to meet up. Let him look forward and be excited all about it for days….and then finding out it’s not happening an hour before. The way I see it, if he wanted me in his life he would have made an effort the first time around. So fuck it. I’m done.






I’m not gonna let him pull the same shit again on me.

This is not the end.

I have been thinking, I have been thinking of not blogging anymore.

 

It’s like this….

 

I used to be that girl.

 

Who reads books of fictional character’s adventures cause I don’t have my own. I used to watch dramatic movies with apt concentration cause it takes me to places where my life will never get to be. I’m used to be that girl who follows blogs obsessively…..reading other’s people’s fascinating lives and envying them cause in my mind…I will never have that.

 

 

I used to be that girl who waited for “my real life to begin”.

 

 

So I blogged and I read and I become lost in my world of daydreams. Of fantasies never to be realized.

 

 

Of remarkable lives that is not mine.

 

 

And then I get here and suddenly that “real life” that I have waited for…for so long… begun. Unknowingly, without me realizing or knowing how exactly…but it did. And it’s exciting and I have so much stories that I could never share in one lifetime. People who are just like the characters in the books I’ve cherished so much for so long are calling me up for lunch. Romantic entanglements that I thought only happens in movies are happening to me. Weird shit, embarrassing scenarios…everything and its all happening to me.

 

To me, the girl who became the Constantly Dramatic One because her life is too mundane. The girl who strived for drama in every waking moment cause there is not enough excitement in my life….and now….I no longer do. I no longer need to be that drama queen just to not be bored anymore.

 

 

My real life has begun.

 

 

And for some reason….this blog has little to no part of it.

 

 

This is not goodbye.

 

 

Merely a note in passing to dear readers that have been reading for so long. I will keep blogging of course….but if one day I was just to disappear without even a goodbye post know that I’m gone. I’m living my life. I’m never good with goodbyes just that you know…..sometimes life takes you to unusual places and some of those places have no net connections.

 

 

Or perhaps this entire post could also be because it’s August. And next month is September. And come the 21^st, I’ll be old like a motherfucker.

 

And man, I always have the blues whenever my birthday comes around.