Friday, May 06, 2011

Russian roulette

I was told that I was barren at the age of 20. My parents were in the room with me when the clever lady doctor broke the news. My dad clenched his fist and looked away. My mom cried silent tears. I reached over to comfort her. It was strange. It should have been the other way around. It wasn't her that was just declared defective. It was me. And yet I wasn't sad. Just...relieved.

How did it come to this? At the age of 20 I went through 4 cat-scans, 3 specialists, 2 overnight stays at the hospital and after a while they finally figured out why a 20 year old woman barely gets her periods. That's how this started you see, I wasn't getting my period. When other normal women were menstruating 12 times a year, I consider it super lucky to get mine at most once a year. So what was the problem?

A tumour was growing in my brain. It is not cancerous. It is benign. It just what it is. A tumour that came univited and stayed on long after the welcome mat has been thrown out. Though it will not progress into something deadly, it does however grow in the area of the brain that regulates hormones in my body. What it does fucks up my hormones especially with the one that have to do with the productive system. It fucks it so much that I barely get my period. It fucks it so much that the body doesn't receive enough hormones to create ovums...or eggs if you would. It fucks it so much that one day, my body just stop trying.

It fucked it up so much that the doctor told me that I'm barren. They used the word “barren” not infertile. “Infertile” are for women who still have their ovums but can't conceive. “Barren” are for women...who are not even capable of creating her own eggs.

I'm reading the book “The Lovely Bones” now. You might have seen the movie while it was playing at the cinema. It was beautifully shot but dreadfully told. The book on the other hand, is beautifully written but tragically told. It is about a family who lost their child and how they cope with it. Especially the parents, on how their love is for their deceased child. And...I didn't get it. This will sound fucked up, but I don't understand why people love their children. What makes your children so special? In fact, what makes children so special, full stop? I don't get it. And then it hit me....I will never fully understand it.

It took me years to realise how much that day in the doctor room have impacted the path of my life. My intense dislike for children is what it is, an intense dislike. But more than anything it is a defence mechanism for something I will never have. I will never have little girls in pretty dresses calling me mom. Or little boys hiding behind my legs in fear. It is much easier to dislike and detest than to like and yearn for something you never have. Less complicated. Less stress. More time to concentrate on something else.

I never been in a proper, long-term relationship because of this. Whenever it starts feeling comfortable, serious...I cut loose. I sabotaged it. I dump him or make him leave me. It hurts. But its much easier than telling him all defensively “Oh by the way, I can't have kids. And no, I totally was not leading you on.” It is much easier to stick with the fun part and cut loose before the serious kicks in. Its much easier to run away than knowing that he will leave you when he knows that you're...defective. I mean its not something you can tell over the first date now is it? “Oh this is a lovely restaurant. I'll have the chicken, with a side of salad and oh by the way I'm barren. What's for dessert?”

When is the appropriate time for this conversation? The third date? The third month? After the first “I love yous”? When? I don't know. Do you? Much easier to just end it than to bring it up. That way there will be less pieces of my heart to pick up from the cold, hard floor. my own way, I have made my peace with it. But in my own way, I have not.

Its complicated. Children is never something that I ever wanted but it is nice to know that you could have than never actually could. Is it not in man's nature to desire what he could not? I don't really know why I wrote this post but it felt like after all these years something have been lifted from my heart. I have come to terms with it, somewhat...enough that I could share it with the faceless strangers who read the trite I spew on the Internet.

But not enough with the people who actually matter in my life.