Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Babies, me and patriarchy



The chances of me having a kid are very unlikely. First of, there’s that whole tricky business of needing a partner to conceive a kid with. This part is tricky for me is cause, well....I don’t actually have a partner to conceive with now, do I? The one man I want to ahem….conceive with is happily living in the UK. With his wife. And two children. He also answers to "Clive Owen". And even though I wrote to him and made numerous prepositions in regards with me wanting to be his Kept Woman…he still won’t cheat on that damn wife of his.

So we’re back to square one. But really, it’s not like I want a baby you know. This whole baby business comes about when I receive a phone call last night from my aunt saying that my cousin have given birth to a baby girl. My parents were of course, overjoyed. They have a fascination with children that I do not share. They then made a
phone call to Finland asking my sister when they should expect their own grandchild instead of “needing to share someone else’s grandchild”. My sister then says “Mom, Dad it’s 2 in the morning here. We’re trying to sleep.” Then my Dad says “Well then, now that you’re up, you should get down to business and give us that grandchild eh?” In which I found to be ridiculously disgusting that I actually puked in my mouth and then proceed to bang my head on the wall repeatedly while muttering “Make it stop God, please, make it stop.”

Seriously. Serious-fucking-ly, my parents have to stop asking my sister to….do it more often. It’s fucking disturbing okay. I cannot stress how fucking disturbing it is for me and for all parties involved, except for my parents that is, that they keep on bringing this up. I mean for God’s sake, they haven’t even been married for a year. Relax. Breathe.
Go watch more ninja movies. Stop asking your firstborn to have sex okay, cause in doing so you’re giving your lastborn a coronary and possibly a psychiatrist bill that amount to the millions in the future. I am so fucking traumatized by that whole phone call episode. Why Dad, why must you do this to me?

You know, I still don’t get this babies thing. Like why? First of babies…well to put it mildly, they suck. They poop and they cry and they’re so damn high maintenance. And they also have the ability to pee in your eye. You know this one time I was with one of my other cousin who had a baby and she was like “Ohhhh isn’t my baby beautiful? Isn’t he just beautiful?” And she was lying in bed, cooing and holding her baby. She just like gave birth like 2 days ago or something. So I looked at this beautiful baby and all I could think of was, “Dude…why is he so wrinkly? That’s not beautiful. That kid look like a wrinkly old man. A wrinkly midget old man.” But my cousin was looking at me expectantly so I went “Yes yes, soooooooo beautiful. Most beautiful child I have ever seen.”

Blatant, outright lie.


You know what else I don’t get? People seem to think its funny and endearing when babies fart. Like this kid would be lying there and rip out a big one and everybody would laugh and cheer. Dude, wtf? Seriously. That fucking fart smells like it comes from the depths of hell in which Satan is roasting sinners on a fucking barbeque and y’all are cheering and laughing? Am I the only one smelling this? Am I the only one overcome by the pungent, putrid odour as you people laugh and cheer? I bet if I was the one that rip out that fart y’all be calling me names and telling me how disgusting I am. Fucking double standard I tell you.


Then there’s that whole nasty business of pooping. Poops are not funny. In no way whatsoever should poop should ever be viewed as funny. I dunno if you baby lovers out there notice, but babies’ poo are like the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. They really, literally come out of nowhere. Like you be holding a kid, and suddenly you feel this warm, gooey sensation. “Oh pray tell what is that? Oh wow looks like I have some nasty baby shit on my new silk skirt. Oh happy happy joy joy.” Not.





Also, new parents have a thing of making people hold their kid. I dunno why, but somehow they just do. If there is an addition to the family, sooner or later I know somehow I am gonna end up holding that kid whether or not I like it or want too.


“Here CD, hold my kid.”
“No thank you, I rather not.”

*insert insulted face of said parent*

“Well…..it’s not that I don’t want too. God knows I want too. Your child is just sooooo adorable but the thing is, I am terribly clumsy. What if I drop…it?”
“Oh I bet you won’t.”
“What if I do?”
“I know you won’t. Plus the baby would want you to hold him. You have big boobs you know. Babies like that. Makes them feel safe.”


Seriously, was that boobs part really fucking necessary? Really? But I think that’s why most parents want me to hold their kids. I think babies do uuh…..really like boobs you know. Mine particularly. I hold this kid once and that kid was all comfortable holding on to me. He had one tiny hand on my left boob and his head in between, when I tried to give him back to his dad he started crying and then I had to hold him back for an hour. In that one hour time he managed to squeeze my boob and made the valley in between his own special place. True story.





Also on a completely unrelated note, I have a question: Why do the children take after their father’s name? Why is my last name following my father’s name? Why? Fathers have sex with mothers, contributed one sperm and then that’s it. But for 9 months mothers are the ones who carry the child in her womb, she is the one who goes through sickness, she is the one getting irritating baby kicks from within her, she is the one that has to deal with radical hormonal and physical changes, she is the one that might lose her life giving birth to a child and yet…and yet that child would take after the father’s name…In any culture, the child’s last name is always from the father’s. Why? Does this seem fair to you? Also a child would always belong to the mothers, you always know your mothers but you dad…well depends on whom your mom had sex with around the time you were conceived right? How would one know if she didn’t messed around during that time?

I know that came out of nowhere. I realise that we live in a world ruled by
patriarchy but really….I think that’s one of the reasons why I don’t like babies nor have any inclinations to have one. If I were the one to carry around a child in my womb, if I were the one that have to suffer through the pain, if I was the one who had to risk my life to give birth to child and in turn have a saggy vagina after that…why should I give all the credit to my husband when all he did was that he donated one sperm to me? How is this fair to me? How is this fair to all womankind?

Babies; beautiful, magical, the symbol of love and all that jazz but to me…they are just these little people who grabbed my boobs, poop on me and the ultimate evidence of everlasting patriarchy in the world. Women get all the pain but yet men take all the glory.



Now...think about that for a while the next time you look at a baby, whether you are a man or a woman.

45 comments:

Tinesh said...

whoa. that's all i can say.

AJ said...

hahahaha~

aiseyh...ur parents dun hv grandchildren lagi ker??

if not, no wonder they're bothering ur sis in the wee hours...but that's annoying though

wat really bugs me at this particular time are questions like "when r u getting married?" or "bile we can taste ur nasi minyak?"

huh~ hello like i'm at this age & not married...u should understand right?

anyway, i used to want children so badly....maybe b'coz i wanna be better parents than my own parents

but then again, having to see what happen to a fren of mine...got 3 children...but happens to be queer & at this point decided to stick to his nature & get a divorce....poor the kids...kesian giler....hv to jugle time between mom & dad *sigh

jaak said...

let's get married, and never split up

NoktahHitam said...

Your way of putting it in words, WHOA! It's like from another world.

I'm a happy uncle now. Thanks to my elder brother.

My younger brother is getting married next year, I'm pretty much sandiwiched here.

But I can feel your frustration towards your parents. I guess they really want a second chance at parenting. After all, with a grand child, your dad gets a blessing from God, officially carrying the title Datuk.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

T-man:

"Whoa good" or "whoa bad" oooorrr "whoa-where/how-the-fuck-did-she-came-up-with-that"?

AJ:

No, my sister is not even married for a year and she's their only married offspring. They cannot tahan, wanna be grandparents dy.

Eh have you outed yourself to your parents yet? And relatives are damn annoying ok. Just screw them and oh...that's horrible bout your friend =(

I hope the kids are okay...

Jaak:

That's sweet...but let's not.

NoktahHitam:

Wow,if you're 25 that means your bro is marriying pretty young no? Wow....

And what you mean "2nd chance"?...I feel sooooo inadequate now...=S

Zikri said...

so technically a baby molested you?

I like kids and all, and I definitely would want kids of my own someday.

But the thing your dad said in that phone call is.. oh God

Reminds me of a thing my mom said to me this year. Was playing with my nephew when she suddenly in front of my aunt said "You should get a girl and get married and have kids", to which my only reaction after a few seconds of staring blankly at her was "Tell Abang to get married first"

sab said...

this made me laugh. :) and you're right about the last name thing. nothing we can do about it... unless of course the couple's not married.

Bisnes Harian said...

do visit my new blog and make a whole new drama there ;)
btw,i linked ur blog
it is kinda cool

taxy said...

Seasoned mothers call them Dunlop pillows.

Anonymous said...

As-salaamu ‘alaikum

Ya Allah...dosa! dosa besar....ya allah...where am I start. Here is:

Allah jadikan adam dan hawa untuk ape? Allah menunjukkan suatu sistem perkahwinan antara mereka..perkahwinan disyariatkan bagi membiakkan manusia untuk memerintah Bumi dan mendudukinya buat sementara waktu...

CD, kamu mempunyai nafsu yang kuat terhadap Clive Owen...ini adalah HARAM sama sekali...Dia adalah seorang KAFIR!!!Kamu Islam..ingat tu! Dia tu kafir. Katakan kalau benar dia berkahwin dengan kamu...kamu agree?ya allah..haram. Dia makan khinzir tau? Dia tu Kristian tau?

Tidak baik kamu cristisize ciptaan Allah subhana wa ta'ala

I will prays for you.

Walaikumsalam
Hamba Allah

senorita.. said...

super big hug for the e-card! how thoughtful...

n haha,u make me laugh.. all 3 entries i missed this past week. :D

evie said...

all my witty comments flew out the window the moment i read the comment form anonymous!

Tinesh said...

"Whoa, how the FUCK did she come up with this when only last week she said she cant write anymore?!?!?!?!"

DOSA CD!! Kau tak boleh berangan-angan!! And after reading your post, the fler can still ask if Clive Owen wants to marry u will u say yes HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Zikri:

Dude, not "technically" okay...like you put it. I was soooo totally molested by a baby =p

And yeah what my dad said...macam nak bunuh diri pun ada after hearing that...

Sab:

Thank you, it is meant to be entertaining =) .And the names thing...well that rule only applies if you're Christian...I dunno bout other cultures or religions. But it is certainly not the way so in mine...=(

Bisnes:

Thank you for visiting ya...=)

Taxy:

What? the pregnant bellies? I do not know that.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Anon:

Eh tau tak, Clive kan selain drpd dia seorg "KAFIR" dan makan khinzir...dia jugak suka minum air syaitan. Suka mabuk-mabuk. Teruk kan? Tapi...klu dia ajak saya kahwin, saya akan GERENTI agree cause he is sooo hot, I cannot tahan myself. Apa nak buat, dah nafsu saya terhadap Clive teramat lah kuat...Maaf yek.

Thank you in advance for wanting to pray for my soul. I appreciate it. While you're at it, can you also pray that God would give you decent rational thinking capabilities...cause I think you're lacking those.

Tapi terima kasih ya, terima kasih for having my best interest at heart.

Senorita:

Glad you liked the card =)

Evie:

Oh huney, no big. I have to deal with silly, self righteous Malay bigots like this on a daily basis. Now it's just via the blogsphere. Ah well.

Anyways, think of your witty comments and let me know ya. I'm alll curious now =)

T-man:

Eh Tinesh!! Berambus Tinesh!! Berambus! Aku tak leh kawan dgn kau lagi! Kau KAFIR! Kau makan khinzir! Kita dah tak leh geng lagi....HAHAHAHAHAHA =P

Tinta Sisyphus said...

Tapi bila dikafankan, anak di bin kan pada ibu bukan?

dan bila mati, budi pada ibu yang diambil kira bukan?

Bagaimana dengan bapa? 'Tuhan' peduli apa dengan bapa.

Technodoll said...

Ya know, the older I get the happier I am of my decision to never have kids.

I'm free as a bird and loving it :-)

Frank said...

Personally I wish people would tell me to have sex more often. I would prefer it if it were not my parents...but at this point I really can't afford to be picky :P

quin browne said...

i have never been fond of children... i saw mine as small adults... and treated them as such.

i'm still not a great cuddler of kids, never will be.

would i kill for my kids?


damn straight.


do i want to know when they are boinking or do i want to encourage them?


NO. the mental photo makes me want to blind my mind's eye.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Tinta:

Touche'

Techno:

Yeah, why is it such a must that women have to have children right? I mean c'mon...chill the fuck out. There's more to life then that.

Frank:

That bad huh, Frank? =p

Quin:

Thank you, thank you for agreeing with me on this one.

Urrrggghh....

Charlotte said...

hahhahahahaha, you're soooo funny!

Farid said...

I love kids. It's the bones that gives them that extra crunchiness.

evie said...

I cannot for the life of me remember what I wanted to say. I was genuinely horrified by anon. I know ppl like these exist across all cultures and religion but it's still a smack in the face during every chance encounter. I promise I will have some witty comments for future posts, but for now just know that I too agree that I can't see what the fuss is with babies. Maybe my maternal instinct will kick in soon, but till then? Bleh!

gypsy-on-the-move said...

Gawd...that phone call by your parents is really something...
Anyway, the baby must have been lucky to be able to molest your boobs. LOL!!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Charlotte:

Glad that you think so =)

Farid:

Tak boleh Farid...haram tu...Nanti Anon marah nanti *_*

Evie:

Horrified? Dude, I laughed like a bitch. The "Clive Owen" part got me laughing like a demented hyena. The "Kafir" part got Tinesh and then we met up and couldn't stop laughing about it =P

It's amusing, no?

Gypsy:

Boob. Not boobs. Just the left one. If the left one is bigger then the right one now, it is totally the babies fault =p

joshua said...

Babe, I totally cannot function around tots either :S

And hmm, totally a trip down History textbooks with all the Adat Temenggung and Adat Perpatih. LOL

evie said...

Amusing? Yes... somewhat. Annoying as hell? Accurately so. Ah well, at least there's further drama within your blog :p

benazirjb said...

haha. babies. they are sooo bothersome and irritating! they only know how to poo and puke. euwww

Sherri said...

Traveling here from OHN.

I LOVE this post. My mother drives me nuts. "When are you going to give me grandchildren?" My reply? "If you don't get them from my sister, you aren't getting them."
I'm about to be 34. I like babies, but I realized 1)I'm much too selfish with my time to want to devote 24-7 to them for eighteen years and 2)I'm not cleaning up baby crap/puke/etc. No thanks. Plus I work with kids. Best birth control out there, let me tell you.

I feel for your boobies, I do. I'm usually the one who gets to hold them when it's nap time...instant pillows! Oy.

I'll be tracking you on bloglines, love your blog!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Joshy:

OH. THANK GOD. I though I'm the only one. I like kids, but only from afar. =p

Evie:

True! As long as there's drama- I am happy.

benazirjb:

That's soo true! But to be fair...they are babies. What else is there for them to do?

Sherri:

First of all, THANK YOU. And oh my God I told my parents that they will be getting adopted grandchildren from me, not biological one. I'm terrified of childbirth.

"Plus I work with kids. Best birth control out there, let me tell you."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hamba Allah is sayang right? She is too hilarious.Genius i can say, to suddenly transform into this self righteous stick up her butt Muslim.hahaha..and evie's a tad too touchy

Audrey

winda said...

lol, cd, anon cracks me up the first time i read his/her comment. Very funny :))

me too is no good around kid.
Once, my cousin's wife just give birth and we're visiting. The baby was sleeping, i touched her cheek, she woke up and cried.

True story.

And this maybe the first time i'm not envy at your superb rack there, since with the lack of it, no one will tell me to hold kid hohoho...

but then again, the reason why they never gave babies for me is never becos of the lack of the boobs, but becos they know i will definitely let the baby fall. Intentionally or not :D

Adrienne said...

hahaha clive owen to kafir cd! dia makan babi!!!.. no no stay away from cliiiive...hahahah

ROFL.. dude, i choked on milk when i read that.

George said...

"And the names thing...well that rule only applies if you're Christian"...what's that supposed to mean? You got your facts all wrong girl..be careful next time =)

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Audrey:

Awwww Evie's not too touchy. Some ppl just couldn't get these things you know...*shrugs*

And oh yeah, this Anon is definitely a comic genius.

Winda:

Yeah! I should hire Anon to be the resident clown. Should be interesting. =) And oh yeah, babies are totally into big boobs. Haha!

Adrienne:

OMG! I chocked on mango juice. HAHAHA!!! Fucker is hillarious lah.

George:

Did I? Maaan, I'm sorry for that. Have I offended you? I'm sorry for that too....uuhh....you're not gonna beat me up right?

Shit. =S

Sayang said...

I am a genius ;)

George said...

No la...i'm just saying that you should be careful when you are talking about other religions. Not gonna beat you up la...you're too damn cute!!!!!Love your blog!!Please UPDATE!!!

savante said...

Don't give up on babies! :)

Anne said...

dad. get off the internet.

just in case. =p

satu babi panggang please.

I need to highlight a point. Quote: Allah jadikan adam dan hawa untuk ape? Allah menunjukkan suatu sistem perkahwinan antara mereka..perkahwinan disyariatkan bagi MEMBIAKKAN manusia untuk memerintah Bumi dan mendudukinya buat sementara waktu...

My sole purpose in life is to breed??? WAILS!!! Dude. God did not put us on this earth to make kinky monkey sex all the time. Get your panties out of that knot before you decide to type your comments.

On another note, I will prayS for you.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Sayang:

But...of course.

George:

Awww thank you. I'll update when I do lah. Not much goin on now. I don't want to blog when there is nothing to talk about. Or else I'll become one of those tedious bloggers that have tell ppl every fucking minute detail ya know?

Boh-ring.

Savante:

I'm not! I'm just afraid of squeezing them out =S

Anne:

Ahahaha!!! Oh Anne, thats funny. I do hope it's not your dad though. And oh let Anon lah, whatever keeps em happy =)

rujing said...

LMAO, dude you're funny. you'd make such a hilarious mother. in fact, you should have a kid simply for a laugh. in fact, you should film it, because it'd be SUCH a good sitcom. i'd totally watch it.
i personally don't like babies. they scare me to death. i'm so paranoid i'll drop one and break it. also, i think the reason why kids take after their fathers is because mothers know how disappointing the kid will turn out and do not want to be linked to the kid in an identifiable way.

rujing said...

ALSO, thank god you didn't leave too long on your hiatus! i was very worried!

Michelle said...

Your parents CRACK ME UP! Yes, babies are not really cute to me either, though when I had my own I thought they were the CUTEST THINGS ON EARTH. Funny how that works out.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Rujing:

"i think the reason why kids take after their fathers is because mothers know how disappointing the kid will turn out and do not want to be linked to the kid in an identifiable way."

HOLY. MOTHER. OF. GAWD.

Why the hell didn't I ever thought of that? Seriously?!! Whhhhhhyyyy?!!!!!!!

Michelle:

It's different when it's yours...no? =)
Goddamn woman, you're brilliant.

Tine said...

Sigh, the plight of the newly weds. This is the shit you'll get if not from your parents then it's the in-laws, aunts, uncles, Toms and more Dicks.

I hate all children but I'll probably love mine :D