The chances of me having a kid are very unlikely. First of, there’s that whole tricky business of needing a partner to conceive a kid with. This part is tricky for me is cause, well....I don’t actually have a partner to conceive with now, do I? The one man I want to ahem….conceive with is happily living in the UK. With his wife. And two children. He also answers to "Clive Owen". And even though I wrote to him and made numerous prepositions in regards with me wanting to be his Kept Woman…he still won’t cheat on that damn wife of his.
So we’re back to square one. But really, it’s not like I want a baby you know. This whole baby business comes about when I receive a phone call last night from my aunt saying that my cousin have given birth to a baby girl. My parents were of course, overjoyed. They have a fascination with children that I do not share. They then made a phone call to Finland asking my sister when they should expect their own grandchild instead of “needing to share someone else’s grandchild”. My sister then says “Mom, Dad it’s 2 in the morning here. We’re trying to sleep.” Then my Dad says “Well then, now that you’re up, you should get down to business and give us that grandchild eh?” In which I found to be ridiculously disgusting that I actually puked in my mouth and then proceed to bang my head on the wall repeatedly while muttering “Make it stop God, please, make it stop.”
Seriously. Serious-fucking-ly, my parents have to stop asking my sister to….do it more often. It’s fucking disturbing okay. I cannot stress how fucking disturbing it is for me and for all parties involved, except for my parents that is, that they keep on bringing this up. I mean for God’s sake, they haven’t even been married for a year. Relax. Breathe. Go watch more ninja movies. Stop asking your firstborn to have sex okay, cause in doing so you’re giving your lastborn a coronary and possibly a psychiatrist bill that amount to the millions in the future. I am so fucking traumatized by that whole phone call episode. Why Dad, why must you do this to me?
You know, I still don’t get this babies thing. Like why? First of babies…well to put it mildly, they suck. They poop and they cry and they’re so damn high maintenance. And they also have the ability to pee in your eye. You know this one time I was with one of my other cousin who had a baby and she was like “Ohhhh isn’t my baby beautiful? Isn’t he just beautiful?” And she was lying in bed, cooing and holding her baby. She just like gave birth like 2 days ago or something. So I looked at this beautiful baby and all I could think of was, “Dude…why is he so wrinkly? That’s not beautiful. That kid look like a wrinkly old man. A wrinkly midget old man.” But my cousin was looking at me expectantly so I went “Yes yes, soooooooo beautiful. Most beautiful child I have ever seen.”
Blatant, outright lie.
You know what else I don’t get? People seem to think its funny and endearing when babies fart. Like this kid would be lying there and rip out a big one and everybody would laugh and cheer. Dude, wtf? Seriously. That fucking fart smells like it comes from the depths of hell in which Satan is roasting sinners on a fucking barbeque and y’all are cheering and laughing? Am I the only one smelling this? Am I the only one overcome by the pungent, putrid odour as you people laugh and cheer? I bet if I was the one that rip out that fart y’all be calling me names and telling me how disgusting I am. Fucking double standard I tell you.
Then there’s that whole nasty business of pooping. Poops are not funny. In no way whatsoever should poop should ever be viewed as funny. I dunno if you baby lovers out there notice, but babies’ poo are like the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. They really, literally come out of nowhere. Like you be holding a kid, and suddenly you feel this warm, gooey sensation. “Oh pray tell what is that? Oh wow looks like I have some nasty baby shit on my new silk skirt. Oh happy happy joy joy.” Not.
Also, new parents have a thing of making people hold their kid. I dunno why, but somehow they just do. If there is an addition to the family, sooner or later I know somehow I am gonna end up holding that kid whether or not I like it or want too.
“Here CD, hold my kid.”
“No thank you, I rather not.”
*insert insulted face of said parent*
“Well…..it’s not that I don’t want too. God knows I want too. Your child is just sooooo adorable but the thing is, I am terribly clumsy. What if I drop…it?”
“Oh I bet you won’t.”
“What if I do?”
“I know you won’t. Plus the baby would want you to hold him. You have big boobs you know. Babies like that. Makes them feel safe.”
Seriously, was that boobs part really fucking necessary? Really? But I think that’s why most parents want me to hold their kids. I think babies do uuh…..really like boobs you know. Mine particularly. I hold this kid once and that kid was all comfortable holding on to me. He had one tiny hand on my left boob and his head in between, when I tried to give him back to his dad he started crying and then I had to hold him back for an hour. In that one hour time he managed to squeeze my boob and made the valley in between his own special place. True story.
Also on a completely unrelated note, I have a question: Why do the children take after their father’s name? Why is my last name following my father’s name? Why? Fathers have sex with mothers, contributed one sperm and then that’s it. But for 9 months mothers are the ones who carry the child in her womb, she is the one who goes through sickness, she is the one getting irritating baby kicks from within her, she is the one that has to deal with radical hormonal and physical changes, she is the one that might lose her life giving birth to a child and yet…and yet that child would take after the father’s name…In any culture, the child’s last name is always from the father’s. Why? Does this seem fair to you? Also a child would always belong to the mothers, you always know your mothers but you dad…well depends on whom your mom had sex with around the time you were conceived right? How would one know if she didn’t messed around during that time?
I know that came out of nowhere. I realise that we live in a world ruled by patriarchy but really….I think that’s one of the reasons why I don’t like babies nor have any inclinations to have one. If I were the one to carry around a child in my womb, if I were the one that have to suffer through the pain, if I was the one who had to risk my life to give birth to child and in turn have a saggy vagina after that…why should I give all the credit to my husband when all he did was that he donated one sperm to me? How is this fair to me? How is this fair to all womankind?
Babies; beautiful, magical, the symbol of love and all that jazz but to me…they are just these little people who grabbed my boobs, poop on me and the ultimate evidence of everlasting patriarchy in the world. Women get all the pain but yet men take all the glory.
Now...think about that for a while the next time you look at a baby, whether you are a man or a woman.