Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My brother lived in Chicago for 4 years and all I got is a lousy t-shirt

My brother came home on Saturday. He told me that he was supposed to arrive on Sunday and that I am supposed to pick up his ass from the airport. It’s supposed to be a surprise for our parents and we’ve been planning this for weeks. Then he went and showed up a day earlier.


It was almost 2 in the morning. I was home alone seeing that my parents were in Singapore. If I am actually “cool”, I would have called up some friends, get me a DJ and throw a super happening party with abundance of liquor, marijuana and pole dancing strippers. But seeing that I am not cool nor an extra designated for plot advancement in some American coming-of-age movie involving 4 guys who want to get laid before prom, I did no such thing. Instead I was home alone watching "Love Actually" and cursing my non-existing love life. I was at that scene, where that guy proclaimed his love for Keira Knightley’s character using cue cards with Christmas carol playing in the background.That scene was so fucking romantic that I hyperventilated a bit. I was like “How come he loves her? Why her? Why her and not me?!! Why doesn’t Clive Owen ever stand in my doorway, proclaiming his love by giving me a diamond bracelet with Snoop Dog’s Sensual Seduction playing in the background?! Why?! What does his wife have that I don’t?!!! WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME CLIVE?!! WHY WON’T YOU?!!!” -when the house phone rang.


At first I thought it was my parents calling from Singapore. They could call my mobile but they called the house phone instead to make sure that I was in fact, at home. Like they’re so scared that I would go out all night partying and have random promiscuous sex in some club’s dodgy bathroom. I mean, seriously. Come on. I have class. If I want hot sex, I’ll just hire a gigolo. And we’ll do it in my parent’s bedroom, not some club’s bathroom. Trust me on that. So I answered the phone


“Yes, Dad. I’m home. I’m not out and about being a skank.”

“Hey CD, I’m in front of the house!”


Dude, I swear to God the first thought that crossed my mind was “Huh? Clive?” And then I panicked. Fucker, it was almost 2 in the morning. Who the fuck does house calls at this unGodly hour? OMGWTF, did I order a gigolo? OMFG?!! Did I? How the hell would I know who to call to order a gigolo? Shit!! How am I going to pay for this? What is the going rate for gigolos these days? OMG! The cops! The cops! My face would be all over the news for soliciting a hooker! And I haven’t got my eyebrows done.


“Dik, abang ni. Kat depan rumah.”

Sis, it’s your brother. I’m in front of the house.


Oh.


“What?! I thought you’re supposed to arrive tomorrow! Who picked you up?”

“My boys did. Come on, open the door.”


See, I could just go ahead and open the door for him but there’s a slight problem. I wasn’t wearing.... much. Like, maaaan I’m home alone okay. You’re lucky I wasn’t walking around naked. What the hell am I supposed to do? Answer the door in my panties and all my braless glory? With his friends standing there too? I’m sorry this is not a porno you download from the Net, this is my life. So I ran up, grabbed the nearest thing that I can and just put that on. You would think the first thing he would say to his long lost sister when I opened the door would be; “I miss you” OR “You are the best sister a guy ever had” OR “Wow, you grew up to be so magnificently beautiful” but what he said was “Hey, your pants is inside out…..and what’s that brown stuff on your face?”


Ahhh…..such sweet reunion of siblings. Bring tears to your eyes it does.


He looked dead tired so I told him to go to sleep but he was all excited saying that he brought me stuff from Chicago. Secretly I was excited too but was playing it cool. Inside I was like “YAY!! Gifts!” but outside I was like all “Oh really? You shouldn’t have.” Ahem. Then he pulled out like this thick ass book okay. “I got this for you cause you have always like to read.” Dude, I thought it was Tales of Beedle the Bard- Limited Edition turns out it was “Dreams from My Father" by Barrack Obama. Are you fucking with me? I stared at him and he was like “What? You were into the elections and I got you an Obama shirt too” at which point he pulled out this huge ass shirt from his luggage.


Okay, first off. Yes. I realise that I am fat. Yes. But really, is he mocking me? That fucking shirt is hugggge. It is not a shirt, it’s a fucking tent. With Obama’s face on it. I think it’s a men’s shirt sized triple XL. I am not making this up. I’m swimming in it! That shirt is so huge it reaches my knees. I got dresses shorter than this! Oh, the unprovoked insult delivered by your own flesh and blood!…Oh how it hurts so…


I actually got a picture taken in that shirt to show how ridiculous huge it is and I wanted to puti it here for you guys to see but at the last minute I took it off cause:

1) I was wearing shorts underneath the shirt but it’s either the shorts is too short or the shirt is too long that it seemed that I am not wearing any bottoms at all.

2) It is a men’s shirt.

3) I was posing next to my bed.

4) My hair was messy.

5) I also put on these sexy 4-inch heels that I got for RM25 on stock clearance just to show off.


Upon uploading this photo I realise the fact that I’m posing next to a bed in a man’s shirt seemingly without any bottoms on but with heels on and having that little messy bed hair going on is….not really appropriate now is it? What kind of message am I sending off to my readers? No, seriously…what? Images with hidden double entendre like that should not be seen by public.....only by Clive. So I took it off at the last minute. I will not blind my readers that way. You can thank me later. But trust me on this, that shirt is huuuge and it kinda look like this:



But in the size of a tent you take when you go camping in the Amazons.



I appreciated the thought however and thanked him for the gifts, gave him a hug and told him to go to sleep. We can do our catching up tomorrow. I got back to my room, flipped open the book and a Benjamin with a post-it note on it fell out: “Untuk adik abang”. (For my sister)


100USD, that’s 300 Malaysian Ringgit.


Turns out, my brother not so crappy with gifts after all....

24 comments:

faye said...

awe your brother is so sweet...
good intentions...may not always be the best intentions, but it really was sweet of him :) lol.

Frank said...

I hate it when I have unexpected visitors, as I am rarely wearing much when I'm in my apartment by myself. It's not like I'm really DOING anything, and there's certainly nothing sexual about it...I just don't like wearing pants.

AJ said...

yay~

now u can go shopping!! ;)

gypsy-on-the-move said...

Awwww....babe, at least he tried right?

Tinesh said...

AHAHAHA!!! I like the way hoe you thot it was Clive at the door hahaha..

I need to meet your brother wey.. After all he has tormented you with chucky :D

jaak said...

call me.

taxy said...

Ummmm... think that book is available here for much less. But its the thought that counts, got it.

sab said...

a lot of guys i know suck at shopping. haha! but i would've love to see the heels! :)

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Faye:

Sweet, yes that's true. But a tent? Really?

Frank:

I agree with you. Completely. I mean there's nothing sexual about your not wearing pants and me not wanting to wear a bra at home. We're home alone. It's better to be comfty right? =p

AJ:

Naaah, there's nothing that I want now. Better save the money. In today's economy you don't know what might happen...

Gypsy:

And I appreciate that. I do. =)

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Tinesh:

Gawd...the day the two of you meet is the day I kill myself. Man, you guys join forces and then I'm screwed =S

Jaak:

I rather not.

Taxy:

Got it. =)

Sab:

It's gllllorious. The shoes I mean. And only for RM25!! Ain't that a bargain? God bless Xmas sales and stock clearance. How I heart cheap stuff. =)

senorita.. said...

RM25?! really?! ugh, i hate New Zealand. expensive like fuck shoes.

n ur bro sounds totally adorable.

Michelle said...

"My face would be all over the news for soliciting a hooker! And I haven’t got my eyebrows done." LMAO!

That was sweet of your brother. The men's triple XL may fit not well, however, it might fit me. :) Just sleep in it...like a giant nightshirt!

Peter Varvel said...

I'm with Michelle - your concern for your eyebrows was so frickin' FUNNY.
And dude, seriously, what WAS that brown stuff on your face? LOL

ojamoja said...

sweet..300 ringgit. boleh belanja i.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Senorita:

I know kan!!! Xmas rocks! Also...adorable? He got his moments lah...

Michelle:

You know what, it is really comfty to sleep in =D

Peter:

But they're soo bushy now! The eyebrows I mean. And oh the brown stuff....uuuhh I was eating chocolate ice cream while watching Love Actually and cursing at it.

So....it's the ice cream =p

Ojamoja:

Sure, why not? =)

sab said...

the luggage tags are very inexpensive! do you have a PO box address? i can send one over! i have blue and purple.

Dani(Can't Take It) said...

If my home phone/doorbell rings, and I'm not expecting anyone?

I don't answer that shyt!

Hell, maybe your brother couldn't get another size cause it was sold out?

At least his money's good! ;o)

Anne said...

is he married? :P

oooh remember my glittery monkey shirt? hon, nothing tops that. tie a ribbon round yo obama tent and you have a purty dress.

Technodoll said...

Whew! Thank goodness for the happy ending cuz I was sweating bullets for you for a moment there, LOL!

Yey! Presents... and a presence :-)

winda said...

lol, cd, i'm in the internet cafe right now and giggling like crazy the boy sit next to me must have think i havent reach puberty :P

anywaaayyy.....
yeah, i know, i love sale too!!
but i'm eyeing this new nettop and planning on buying one too. And of course, a bookstore has to give 30%discount on all items!!!!
I hope somebody give me rm 300 now *winkwink*

And oh yeah, i can totally relate the confusion when you dress less being home alone and somebody knocking at the door!! Sometime i pretend there's nobody home :P

MisSmall said...

LOL. I can't believe he got you an Obama shirt. That's so sweet in a really funny way. You gotta give the poor guy some credits for trying huh? But I bet Benjamin totally made up for it. :D

quin browne said...

be thankful he left the weather behind.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Sab:

HOLY CRAP! Seriously? Wow. I shall email you then =D

Can't Take It:

Hey! Thanks for reading my blog =)

And oh yeah, I know he totally buy that last minute. But hey, his money is good. Hehe.

Anne:

Not yet. But girlfriend of 6 years dude. 6 years. I can't even last longer then 9 months with a guy and he's been in one for 6 years.

Hahaha!! I remember your monkey!! And no lah, I just wear this to sleep =)

Technodoll:

Yay for presents too! =D

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Winda:

Hahaha! That "puberty" line is funny! Haha...oh get the books. It's much more worth it.

MisSmall:

Actually I don't mind. I ever wear it out. I'm all for Obama btw but dude....huuuuuugggeeee.... =0

Seriously.

Quin:

Oh that, I am. Trust me.