I was watching some lameass True Hollywood Story on E! when my mom, oh so nonchalantly, mentioned that she and my dad would be going to a wedding this weekend. I can’t help but groaned as loudly as I can. I hate being forced to attend weddings.
“Siapa lak nak kahwin ni? Adik kena ikut ke? Malas lah mak….”
Who is getting married? Must I go? I’m soooo lazy to go….
“Hakim*, anak Kak Ina*.”
Hakim*, Kak Ina’s son.
“………………………..Bukan Hakim baru SPM ke hari tu?”
…………………………Didn’t Hakim sat for SPM this year?
“Uh huh”
“Mak. Kalau dia SPM tahun ni…bukan budak tu 17 ke?”
Mom, if he sat for SPM this year…wouldn’t that makes him 17?
“Uh huh.”
“Maaaaak!! Mak serious ke ni? Jangan main-main Mak. Adik dah macam nak pengsan dah ni. Giler ah. Budak tu 17 kan?”
Moooom! Are you serious? Don’t toy with me. I feel like I’m gonna faint now. This is crazy! The kid is 17!
“Eh, buat apa lak Mak nak tipu kau?”
Why would I want to lie to you?
Dude, how fucking insane is that? As scandalous and glamorous Keanu Reeves life was according to E!, it is nothing compared to finding out that your 17 year old nephew is getting married okay. Wait, his mom is my cousin…so that makes him my nephew right? Or is that second cousin? Whatevs. In any event it is still fucking insane. I followed my mom around the house for like half a day before she told me the story. However I feel like she is not telling me the whole thing, she just gave me the condense version. As if I’m a child whose innocence still needs to be protected. Oh God Mom, the age of innocence for me has ceased to exist a loooong time ago. Anyways, this is the story I managed to coax out of her:
So apparently my 17 year old nephew has a girlfriend. Apparently, they were also horny as fuck. Being horny as fuck and also stupid as fuck- in my opinion; they decided to uhhh….consummated their “love” in her bedroom. So apparently, the girl’s father caught them and held him at the point of a parang saying that if he doesn’t marry her, he’s gonna report it as rape. So that’s why they’re having a shotgun wedding (nikah bidan terjun) this weekend.
Dude, I told you it’s the condensed version. I kept on asking my mom for details. I was like “Uuhhh so were they like…uh doing it when the father walked in?” When the father threatened him with a parang, was he naked and running around the house?” “Was she naked?” “Was the Dad naked?” I mean seriously, I need details here to draw out the visual re-enactments in my head okay. But my Mom was all offended by the questions. I mean I have this image in my head, I can describe it to you but I rather write it out like a bad script from a trashy telenovela…
Guy: Mi amore! How I have yearned for your kisses, your caress, your luuuuurrvve….
Girl: Oh si si, I too have thirst for you. My luuurve, my moon and stars. Your flesh on mine. Your luuuurve in me.
Guy: Such sweet words my luurve. You are like a vision in a dream. A Goddess among mortals. I’m sooo damn horny I cannot even walk straight right now.
Girl: I cannot tahan anymore. I’m soo horny, I’m slurring my words. I am sooo drunk for your love. Now mi amore!! NOW!!”
***Please use your imagination for this part. I know you can. Pervs.***
Guy: Was that as good for you as it was for me? *lights a cigarette*
Girl: Better baby, better…I dunno why we waited for so long. Let’s go for another round…
Guy: Si mi amore, si………wait! What’s that? Do I hear footsteps…….”
***Bedroom door flew opens***
Father: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!!!
Guy: Oh crap.
Father: YOU!!! SCUM OF EARTH!! SPAWN OF SATAN!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DAUGTHER?
Guy:…..Uh well…she did things to me too you know….
Father: SILENCE!!! *grabbed a parang that just so happens to be lying around in the doorway* YOU SHALL PAY FOR DEFILING MY DAUGHTER! DIE FIEND!!!
Girl: No Papa!! I love him!
Father: SILENCE WENCH! *backhands daughter* I SHALL DEAL WITH YOU ONCE I’M DONE CUTTING OFF HIS PENIS WITH MY SHINY PARANG.
Guy: Oh noes! Not my penis!
***Boy tries to run away but his feet got caught up in the sheet***
***Father caught him by the hair and held his parang up to Boy’s neck***
Father: YOUR LIFE FOR HER VIRTUE
Guy: Dude…..a tad melodramatic aren’t we?
Father: YOU DARE MOCK ME? DO YOU WANT ME TO CUT OFF YOUR PENIS?
Guy: Anything! Anything but my penis. It has only been properly used once…
Father: FINE I WON’T CUT IT OFF. BUT YOU SHALL MARRY HER OR I WILL CUT YOUR PENIS OFF AND TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU RAPE HER. MWAHAHAHA!
***lightning and thunder outside***
…..Okay…so maybe it did not went like that. Maybe they were in the throes of passion when the father walked in. Maybe she was screaming “Yes Daddy! YES!” and then the father walked in going “Yes to what Princess?.....SWEET BABY JESUS!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!!!” Or maybe…you know what…..I should stop telling you people of all the scenarios in my head. Every one of them sounds like a bad porno shot in someone’ basement.
But really, how fucking stupid are these kids? Yes, yes…I understand that you have raging teenage hormones. Yes, yes you’re horny. Yes, yes the desire to...copulate is unbearable. Yes, I understand. I understand how it feels like to be perpetually horny but yet sexually repressed due to the boundaries set by religion and culture. Yes. I know. Trust me. No one knows it better then I do. Just take my word for it. But really guys, I understand how punk rock it is to….fornicate in her room but the risk is not worth it now is it? I mean, if you guys are so hard up- save some money, I bet there are some cheapass motels by the roadside. The backseat of a car. An abandon shack. Under the pier. On the beach…though I won’t recommend that cause I have it on good authority that the vagina itches like hell when mixed with sand. I mean, kalau desperate sangat, semak belakang rumah tu pun ok gak kan?
Stupid fuckers. Literally.
Now, in no way am I condoning underage sex but man, married at 17? They’re nothing more than kids man. I’m older then that and I’m still a kid. Seriously, they’re both waiting to be accepted to the universities of their choice. What happens then? When they go, they gonna meet other people. Oh God, sooo messy. And if they’re stupid enough to get caught by her own father no less, I bet they’re too stupid to think of birth control as well. So…a baby within a year….Parents at the age of 18. My head is reeling from this.
Man, I feel sad for that kid. A stupid mistake. One lousy mistake but one that he have to carry for the rest of his life. I hope for his sake, the sex was spectacular cause marriage at 17, before you life even get the chance to begin properly is just not worth it.
22 comments:
oh wow! her father walked in on them? ouch!
and 17 is such a young age! but i hope it works out, for their sake.
i'm almost 10 years older and i don't even have a boyfriend. geez.
That has to be just about the worst reason ever to get married. Holy heck.
I hope the family has a good divorce lawyer on retainer... :-(
Wench? haha!
But stories like these are more common I suppose than we think. I remember a friend telling me a few years ago (when I was still in college mind you) that some of our ex highschool peers had gotten married. Pretty much for similar reasons as you'd described. I can't help but wonder about the current state of their marriage...
OMG, that was hilarious. The way you made it into a telenovela was priceless.
On a more serious note, yep, that's what happens when BOTH parties are thinking with their dicks. Oh yeah, the girl too. God, married a 17. What a bloody waste.
Sab:
Exactly you know! I cringe when I heard the father caught them. Like oh man...soooo painful....
Techno:
I know, it is just sooo messy. But the kids are damn stupid. Meh.
Evie:
You know...I think kan if they just use birth control and like not have a kid, if they divorce after 5 years pun still okay. They're still onlt 22 years old. All is not lost.
As long as there is no baby.
Tine:
I know. Those dumb kids. There goes the future, the life all down the toilet...
oh gouda! even I, at the age of a 20-something wouldn't even stop to think about marriage yet. there are still a lot to learn, and a lot of things to see..i feel that it is such a waste.
can they make it? pray that they will. but for cases like this, normally, it doesn't last long..
but the whole scenario, like what you said, the details of the whole thing, i'm just itching to know too. hahaha. lol.
ok. stop.
i know this is not funny....but firstly...i have to ROTFLOL~
*rolling on the floor laughing out loud
occay~ now on the serious side...seriously!! kesian nyer those poor unfortunate kids!!
i hv a neighboor...long2 time ago. the boy was my age -17 at that particular time- and he decided to get married...i was like what the heck!! and hv to go to see oath commissioner b'coz x cukup umur utk berkahwin....waaaweee~
but then again, back on those days...not a big thing klau kahwin muda....but still....helloooo!! marriage is not abt hv-ing sex and sex....there's so many things
if u're not ready mentally & materialistically....then, don't get married...
seriously~!!
Bets on divorce within 1 year
or they have a very good marriage legally and they fuck around and have lots of orgies
and i laughed so hard at the scenarios you wrote XD
LMAO! u have such an imagination.. lawak sial!
but shocking too!
Patt:
I know kan!! Damn curious. Like....seriously were they doing it when the father found them? Why God?! Why wont my mother tell me?!!
In any event, I'm thinking as long as there is no baby it should be okay. I mean if it lasts 5 years pun kan still ok. They're only be 22...all is not lost.
AJ:
I prefer to use "ROTFLMAO". =P
Dude, did your neighbour impregnated the gf or what? Man, teenage weddings are insane. Meh.
Zikri:
They can do it as much as they want now since dah..."halal" kan. =P
Awww glad you enjoyed it. I am here to entertain y'all ya know =D
Adrienne:
I always believe that imagination is much more imrt then knowledge. But that's just me...=)
and to think you told me that you dont have anymore ideas to blog about.
parang sial!!!! at least not cangkul!
Gosh, that must be so humiliating. Poor kids.
I love your bedroom scene. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!
I really did have this well thought out response to all of this but as I kept reading and scrolling down, I couldnt help but notice the gorgeous Pin-up models on the side.
sooo.. i forgot what I was going to say.
Sheesh If I had to marry every woman I got caught with .....
INSAFLAH!!
T-man:
Well the other day I emo lah. Whenever I emo, I cannot write...which means fucked lah since my major requires me to write ALL THE TIME...
Fieran:
I know...what a bad way to start a life together...=S
Prince:
You enjoyed that? Yay! I feel all honoured and stuff...=D
Slaus:
HOLY CRAP!!! SLAUS IS ON MY BLOG!!!!!
*dies*
Fie:
Holy water! Holy water! =P
jangan lupa kirim foto2 pesta nikah ke sorryimissedyourparty deh.
"Was the Dad naked?" LMAO!
. . . and I hope so!
It's the dad that's insane, making them get married - making a more permanent punishment out of a temporary problem.
"I only put it in a little."
Idiotic. Not the first time I've heard of teen marriage. Have even had a patient who got married at 14 for God's sake!
Nikah bidan terjun. HAHAHA.
P
Hmmm...well, THAT'LL never work!
Jaak:
But I didn't go the party...
Peter:
"I only put it in a little."
OMG!! How come I never thought of that?!! Hahaha!!
Savante:
I swear, it is an actual term. Funny sounding though, I agree with you on that one.
Michelle:
I'll second that. Fo sho'.
this is up there with the girl who sent a text to her dad by mistake, saying she'd lost her virginity on the beach.
17? what's the divorce rate for these marriages??
i though you were on hiatus!!
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