Monday, September 01, 2008

Parting sorrow



Right....do you guys remember my bouts of depression not too long ago? That resulted into several therapy sessions with the college therapist and late night calls to Befrienders? Yeah......So I guess it's time to come clean.

My sister is leaving the country. In fact, the continent. She's migrating to Finland this Tuesday. Her husband who's an engineer for Nokia got a job there. Head of division or something. I'm not particular sure, what I do know is that she's leaving. This Tuesday.

My whole life, I have always been close to my sis. We have a complicated relationship. Loving but competitive. I guess not that complicated. Which sisters are not competitive and bitchy towards each other but still love deeply? Our case is not unique. Nor is this whole migrating to different continent thing. But just saying so doesn't make it any easier.

I was sad since that whole depression thing but I managed to reason shit out. I got myself busy with reading and scrapbooking and my mini project of trying to become a vegetarian and cooking on my own. Also spending as much time as I can with her. Which is difficult because she's married and all. But now that there's only one day left, it's hard to deny any longer of what I have been feeling for a while now. Sad, angry, alone and scared.

All my life my sister has always been there to watch my back. I get in trouble in school and she'll sot it out for me, not my parents. I get into a road accident and she's the one that I called to handle it. I fell down and sprained my ankle and she was the one there helping me out. It has always been that way. No matter what happens to me, I know my sister is always there, watching my back. Even when she's married I know I can still count on her. But now that she's leaving, I feel that the one person who has ever watched over me is leaving. And for once in my life I feel utterly alone. Like I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. No one to hold me and tell me it'll be okay. It's like falling down without a net. It's terrifying.

I understand that this is for the better. She's off to a better life. She'll be happy there. Starting a brand new life with her husband. She'll be happy there and I only hope what's best for her. But knowing that, knowing that it's all for the better doesn't make the separation and the leaving any easier. It doesn't one bit.

But I'm holding up better now. I did my mourning a while back and now I'm more in control. But you know what's eating me inside? The birthday thing. My birthday is Sept 21st and my sister's on the 24th. For so long as I could remember it has always been our thing to celebrate together, just the two of us on either the 22nd or 23rd. It's our thing. Our tradition. And this.....this would the first year that the tradition be broken. And it won't be the last. Every time I think about that, about things that would never be the same again I know that this is life. It's not all roses and good times.

I'll miss her. It will hurt for a long time afterwards. I will have to learn to live without a safety net but then you know...life goes on. No point in dwelling.

22 comments:

A. Aini said...

babe, i'm sorry that ur sis is leaving the nest. my sister recently migrated to singapore. dekat je but i still felt the loss. we're not even tight, at all. so i cant imagine how upset u are.

but hang tough there okay. regardless of how far she might be, nothing can tear away family that loves each other.

*hugs*

Melissa said...

hi there CD

thanks for the ramadhan e-card =) Selamat berpuasa to u too.

i'm so sorry to hear that ur sis is leaving the country. it certainly is not easy to have someone who is very much part of your life all these whole whiles to be whisked away to another continent. siblings' love has always and will always be complicated but nevertheless, becomes so essentially poignant in one's life especially when parting comes by, unexpectedly.

stay strong, dear. i know you are. by coming clean about this shows that you're ready to let urself to adapt. it would be a bitch, but don't forget that you will always have your other loved ones, close friends and of course, you have us here. indefinitely =)

take care alrite. God bless.

Michelle said...

It's nice that you two have such a close relationship. My two sisters and I get along fine but we aren't what you would call "close". We're all so totally different but we have accepted each other the way we are. I'm sorry to hear you are so upset, I'm glad you have tried to work things out though. It's just a new phase in your life, it won't be that bad, just different. And you know she will always be there for you!

Technodoll said...

Oh dear... :-(

(( hugs ))

The photo is beautiful and so is your tribute to your sister. Just hope this gives you a chance to travel the world a bit, to visit her... after all, it's a pretty small planet. Remember that!

Natalija said...

hey hey *hugs*

you'll never lose your sister. there are so many ways to keep in touch. of coz it's not as good as the real thing, being with her and all but we can't keep them cooped up in our panty drawer forever.

gotta set them free.

on the condition that they must always bring home LOTS of gifts. =p

Patt Irmina said...

the birthday thing.
i totally understand. =)
my sis and i too share almost the same date. mine 27th aug, hers 30th aug. =)

Tinesh said...

chill la babe..u still got the sunflowers and your traitorous one :P. i let u bully me till u leave k? hehe

hopefully hg2g keeps u company la

cheers!

faye said...

Hey CD,

Hang in there, I understand how it feels to be separated from family...and be continents apart. And yes its not easy, but in time things will get better.

And you also can use MSN voicechat obsessively like me :D And skype...and buy a really good phonecard so you can call her at a press of a button.

There ...all my long distance relationship/family tips :D

xxx

Anonymous said...

when some sunflowers are plucked out to be planted elsewhere, others bloom in its place.

cc said...

It's nice to see you have a close relationship with your sister. Sorry to see that you're hurting due to her departure. Life's like that, hang in there, it'll get better.
Sometimes, distance brings people closer.

turtle said...

dude, sure having your sunflowers wont be the same as having your sister...but they'll be there anyway.

Farid said...

i can offer no words of solace, but you will adapt. hey, there's always MSN webcam, skype, iTalk and the Alexander Graham Bell communication machine.

also, my absolute bff, anonymous, has returned! i think she's hoping to be a sunflower!

Pourpres~ said...

Awww you're a sweet little sister. I can't imagine my sisters missing me. Hold up, chin up, I guess your sis has done a great job being your net, pillar, your person. And she always will be, just in some other methods I guess. All the best

*hugsgrabboobies*

Elisabeth said...

Oh yikes; that really sucks. (sucks!? I think I spend far too much time on American blogs...)

Anyway, all I can say is that I wish your sister every happiness and that you find her moving away easier than you expect.

Remember, you'll always have us to rant and vent to!

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

hey grrl,

nowadays to part ways with your loved ones are made easier with a thing called the internet. a friend had to go through the same exact shit but after a few months, she felt it wasnt as bad as she anticipated. again, thanks to this thing called the internet.

cheer up, at least now you're given the license to kick that judas Tinesh right on his testicles.

zll the best to your sister and hub.

Quin Browne said...

oh, sweet potata... ((hugs))

it's not going to do any good to say she'll miss you too, with that same deep ache.

i never had a sister, never wanted one until now... wishing i had that tight close feeling with someone so i could have their back.. they could have mine. how envious i am that you have that wonderful relationship.

nothing i can say will make this better... just know you are cared about by many... and we wish you sunflower days, and soon.

I'm Frank said...

:(

Awww.

If you need someone to watch your back now and beat the hell out of people, I volunteer my services :)

winda said...

aw, CD .... *hugs*
the picture conveys your feeling so good i can just cry by seeing it :(

take a look at the bright side, maybe your sister can find a hot finland firefighter for you?
does that thought make you at least smile?
No?

Okay, i'll just give hug and shut up.
*hugs*

Peter Varvel said...

Oh, TCDO, I am so sorry to read how sad you are feeling about this.
Maybe it's your turn, now, to be a Protective Big Sis' to someone else, since you had such a great teacher.
Do you think you'll visit Finland? I've never been there and it sounds like some small but significant good that will come out of this, visiting another interesting country.

Fieran said...

Hey :) I hear Finland is a beautiful place. Let's just say I work "close to" You-Know-Who. I understand what you mean. I kind of "gave up" my family in Malaysia and moved to Norway. It is not easy. But then sometimes you can't help it if life hands you opportunities elsewhere, instead of where you want those opportunities. And at some point, in our lives - we have to think about ourselves. It's not really being self-centered, its...more of ambition. I am sure your sister will miss you too. Try to chat with her on MSN or something, video conferencing, etc. It will help. You also hinted that you're leaving Malaysia too right? Then it wont be so bad - because you will have your own life and your own world and you will see that your relationship with her might actually be a lot more fun with both of you having interesting stories to exchange. It's not the end, its a new beginning.

evie said...

i know there's nothing i can say to make this better so here's a hug instead. *hug*

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Hey guys, thank you so much for giving me words of encouragement and all that. I cannot tell you how much these words mean to me. I would reply to all of you individually but then I'm gonna start crying and shit. So let's not.

But thank you for your words. I cannot begin to describe how much they mean to me. Thank you so very much.