It's lonely on Aidilfitri

Disclaimer:

This is an emo post. Not a bitchy or a wildly amusing one. An emo one. If you don't feel like it than you can come back next week. I should be getting my mojo back by next week. But for now, I need to be all emo. And dramatic. Always dramatic.

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Tomorrow is the last day for Ramadan. Meaning on Wednesday Muslims across the globe would be celebrating Aidilfitri, the sign of the end of the fasting month and the beginning of the new Islamic year.

This would also be the first Aidilfitri where my family would celebrate without my sister and my brother. My brother have left for the States for 3 years now, the first year without him during Aidilfitri wasn't that good but we managed. And now that we have an addition to the family in the form of a brother-in-law for the first time, where should be excitedly celebrating together and all that but.......... the irony is that we will not be able to celebrate it together. It's sad. I'm sad.

Those Aidilfitri songs have never really mean anything to me. They're good songs, most popular during this time of the year. I never really listen to the lyrics until now. Those songs are deep man, who knew.

I was driving home the other day and one of it came on. I was stuck at the traffic light at that time. I was just listening to the song when tears came unbidden. Syahdu aku, nak Raya kakak ngan abang tak de. So I was just sitting in the car crying when I felt something on me. Some dude on the motorcycle was staring at me. His expression read "WTF crazy bitch?". And I kept on staring and crying and then his expression read "Dude, I don't want to deal with this crazy bitch" and he eased his motorcycle forward. Poor guy, probably was all confused.

When I was a kid, I resented Aidilfitri. It's so troublesome to go visiting the relatives, have to listen to aunts going about how fat I am, have to sit in the middle of my brother and sister, have to listen to my sister bitching, my brother's ridiculously loud Walkman, my parents arguing when they got the way to some great aunt's place wrong. Just too much shit. I resented it. I rather be home reading.

But now that those years have gone by, I realise how I miss them. Sure we bitch and we argue but we were together. In one place, in one country not spread out all over the damn globe. We were kids and we were a family on Aidilfitri. Now, it's only my parents and I. It's sad now. And lonely. I would give anything to grab the headphones from my brother's ears and threatened to throw it out of the car again. I would give anything to mess up my sister's do, the one that she painstakingly woke up at 6am to do. I would give anything, anything to hear them yell at me, telling me to stop it and then collectively say they wish I was never born. We were kids and we fight and we shared our food, and fought over the TV and we slept in each other's bed when it's raining heavily outside and the thunder's scaring us.

We were a family. And now we're not even together on Aidilfitri. They say you won't know what you have until you lose it and it's true. I learned it the hard way. I hope it is not the way for you too.

And now take it away Sudirman. Make me weep.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Malaysia.

Eid Mubarak world.

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.