Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's lonely on Aidilfitri

Disclaimer:
This is an emo post. Not a bitchy or a wildly amusing one. An emo one. If you don't feel like it than you can come back next week. I should be getting my mojo back by next week. But for now, I need to be all emo. And dramatic. Always dramatic.




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Tomorrow is the last day for Ramadan. Meaning on Wednesday Muslims across the globe would be celebrating Aidilfitri, the sign of the end of the fasting month and the beginning of the new Islamic year.




This would also be the first Aidilfitri where my family would celebrate without my sister and my brother. My brother have left for the States for 3 years now, the first year without him during Aidilfitri wasn't that good but we managed. And now that we have an addition to the family in the form of a brother-in-law for the first time, where should be excitedly celebrating together and all that but.......... the irony is that we will not be able to celebrate it together. It's sad. I'm sad.




Those Aidilfitri songs have never really mean anything to me. They're good songs, most popular during this time of the year. I never really listen to the lyrics until now. Those songs are deep man, who knew.




I was driving home the other day and one of it came on. I was stuck at the traffic light at that time. I was just listening to the song when tears came unbidden. Syahdu aku, nak Raya kakak ngan abang tak de. So I was just sitting in the car crying when I felt something on me. Some dude on the motorcycle was staring at me. His expression read "WTF crazy bitch?". And I kept on staring and crying and then his expression read "Dude, I don't want to deal with this crazy bitch" and he eased his motorcycle forward. Poor guy, probably was all confused.




When I was a kid, I resented Aidilfitri. It's so troublesome to go visiting the relatives, have to listen to aunts going about how fat I am, have to sit in the middle of my brother and sister, have to listen to my sister bitching, my brother's ridiculously loud Walkman, my parents arguing when they got the way to some great aunt's place wrong. Just too much shit. I resented it. I rather be home reading.




But now that those years have gone by, I realise how I miss them. Sure we bitch and we argue but we were together. In one place, in one country not spread out all over the damn globe. We were kids and we were a family on Aidilfitri. Now, it's only my parents and I. It's sad now. And lonely. I would give anything to grab the headphones from my brother's ears and threatened to throw it out of the car again. I would give anything to mess up my sister's do, the one that she painstakingly woke up at 6am to do. I would give anything, anything to hear them yell at me, telling me to stop it and then collectively say they wish I was never born. We were kids and we fight and we shared our food, and fought over the TV and we slept in each other's bed when it's raining heavily outside and the thunder's scaring us.




We were a family. And now we're not even together on Aidilfitri. They say you won't know what you have until you lose it and it's true. I learned it the hard way. I hope it is not the way for you too.

And now take it away Sudirman. Make me weep.






Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Malaysia.

Eid Mubarak world.

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

22 comments:

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

err...

there, there...

no, seriously. you'll get over it once the raya hype's over.

you have a great aidilfitri, you hear?

*i was damn sure it was a crush. and am pretty sure too your boobies are as sweet.

Frank said...

Kind of reminds me of Christmas in our family. Now that 3/4 of us are grown up and living on our own, we rarely are all home for Christmas anymore :( (or any other holiday for that matter)

faye said...

Selamat Hari Raya CD....

I hope everything goes well and that you enjoy the holidays somehow !

xxx makan banyak ketupatxxx

Tine said...

Selamat Hari Raya babes. I know how it feels. Come Christmas, you can be sure I'll be blogging what you just wrote.

MK said...

Well, at least you are there for your parents.. keep em company.

Cheer up CD ^^. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, maaf zahir batin.

Natalija said...

That's why you need a cuddle. HUGGG

Happy eating cakes and biscuits.

I loathe Raya.

Technodoll said...

I hope this means you can have a drink to ease the dark thoughts.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. I suck at huggles sometimes.

( hugs )

Peter Varvel said...

Hang in there, TCDO. I'm sorry you're sad about the family being apart.
I don't know anything Aidilfitri, but doesn't it mean you get new clothes? Or is that only when you're a child?

Maverick SM said...

Selamat Hari Raya.

I hope you can have lots of fun and keep enjoying the festivities.

Eid Mubarak!

winda said...

selamat hari raya Idulfitri, CD!!!!
Maaf lahir dan batin.
*insist on using bahasa indonesia lol*

*hugshugs*

Michelle said...

I would feel the same if people were missing from Christmas. It's hard the first couple of years but after you get older you find it's not that bad, there are other ways to connect. Hope you feel better about it soon!

Melissa said...

Awww honey *hugssss*

Cheer up okay, you're a strong person and i'm sure you'll get through this. Try to avoid listening to all those sappy raya songs, always hated 'em.

Eat loads n loads of kuih raya n ketupat n lemang n all those awesome stuffs. N watch incredibly silly malay movies n start bitching about 'em. That's what i do every year =P

Selamat Hari Raya dear, take care.

senorita.. said...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri... i'm not gonna say i know how it feels but i think i will know it pretty soon. am quite sure i'm gonna miss 2009's Chinese New Year..

cheer up k sayang.

mell said...

aww.. *huge hugs*
maaf zahir dan batin

cheer up and make long ass international calls :P

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Kerp:

My boobies are indeed.....sweet. Thanks for noticing ;-p

Frank:

And that's sad, isnt it? =(

Faye:

Dude, I am bloated from all the ketupat. Urgh, feel so digusting =p

Tine:

The festive season is hard on all of us....in diffrent ways.

*le sigh*

MK:

You still read my blog? Awwww....this is such a nice surprise.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Natalija:

I loathe Raya too. But I miss the whole...."together-ness" feeling. Just for my family lah. Screw the relatives.

Most of my aunts pisses me off.

Techno:

I wish I could, luv. But I'm Muslim and I can't drink. My friends do though and its fun to point and laugh when they're wasted as fuck =p

Peter:

Well you can get new clothes made especially for Aidilfitri. It's like a tradition. I'm surprised that you know this little tidbit.

But I didnt get any done this year. Or the year before this and the one before that. Couldnt be bothered. Same shit, different year.

Mave:

Thanks Mave! Appreciate it =)

Winda:

Selamat Hari Lebaran pada mu juga Winda =)

And oh btw, can I have your email? I got some
pr0n to share.....KIDDING!

But really, your email? If you dont mind that is.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Michelle:

I guess that would be the way too. Things usually get better with time. Thanks Michelle. Appreciate it =)

Melissa

God, I love bitching about lousy Malay movies. It is the best....like that night when we bitched about that blue-dressed-pron actress rmbr? *wink wink nudge nudge* =p

Senorita:

It sucks being away from home during festival times kan? I feel you babe, I feel you.

Melissa:

Longass int calls cause a ton, we used Skype instead. Cause we're new skool like that =)

senorita.. said...

yessss. suck BIG time. it's all pretty,happy n noisy with heaps of ketupat n rendang back home while i'm stuck here all quiet n cold n looking at my fucking assignment! sigh.... i can so smell the rendang n ketupat... it's the whole missing out on catching up with frens, visitings .. =(

A. Aini said...

hmmm. this entry made me think. if raya now is any different than the years before. not really actually. i still have my mum, and siblings will definitely come by on the first day to beraya together. i guess ure right, we don't know what we have until it's gone.

i'm imagining raya without the family members listed above; agak sayu aa.

*huge hug* i sure hope next year would be better for you. :))

evie said...

awww.... *hugs*

a little late, but selamat hari raya CDO! :)

Salt N Turmeric said...

Ya ampun. I hope i did wish you selamat hari raya before. If not, raya is sebulan so Selamat Hari Raya CDO! hehe.

Quite a no of blogs that I read, people either hated raya then or now. As for me, iv always loved raya. Whole family together even the relatives.yes, i love my aunts/unlces/cousins. lol.

I looked forward to spending raya eves sleeping in any nook or corners that i could find whc is hard when you have like 4-5 families with kids and grandkids in 1 medium size house. Now everybody has their own family and here i am tercampak di negara orang. sigh..

Hope you had a wonderful raya. ;)

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Senorita:

Awwwww =( . When was the last time you were back in Malaysia?

Aini:

Sedih kan? Syahdu babe.

Evie & Salt:

Thanks guys =)