Russian roulette

I was told that I was barren at the age of 20. My parents were in the room with me when the clever lady doctor broke the news. My dad clenched his fist and looked away. My mom cried silent tears. I reached over to comfort her. It was strange. It should have been the other way around. It wasn't her that was just declared defective. It was me. And yet I wasn't sad. Just...relieved.

I never liked children anyway.

How did it come to this? At the age of 20 I went through 4 cat-scans, 3 specialists, 2 overnight stays at the hospital and after a while they finally figured out why a 20 year old woman barely gets her periods. That's how this started you see, I wasn't getting my period. When other normal women were menstruating 12 times a year, I consider it super lucky to get mine at most once a year. So what was the problem?

A tumour was growing in my brain. It is not cancerous. It is benign. It just what it is. A tumour that came univited and stayed on long after the welcome mat has been thrown out. Though it will not progress into something deadly, it does however grow in the area of the brain that regulates hormones in my body. What it does is...it fucks up my hormones especially with the one that have to do with the productive system. It fucks it so much that I barely get my period. It fucks it so much that the body doesn't receive enough hormones to create ovums...or eggs if you would. It fucks it so much that one day, my body just stop trying.

It fucked it up so much that the doctor told me that I'm barren. They used the word “barren” not infertile. “Infertile” are for women who still have their ovums but can't conceive. “Barren” are for women...who are not even capable of creating her own eggs.

I'm reading the book “The Lovely Bones” now. You might have seen the movie while it was playing at the cinema. It was beautifully shot but dreadfully told. The book on the other hand, is beautifully written but tragically told. It is about a family who lost their child and how they cope with it. Especially the parents, on how their love is for their deceased child. And...I didn't get it. This will sound fucked up, but I don't understand why people love their children. What makes your children so special? In fact, what makes children so special, full stop? I don't get it. And then it hit me....I will never fully understand it.

Ever.

It took me years to realise how much that day in the doctor room have impacted the path of my life. My intense dislike for children is what it is, an intense dislike. But more than anything it is a defence mechanism for something I will never have. I will never have little girls in pretty dresses calling me mom. Or little boys hiding behind my legs in fear. It is much easier to dislike and detest than to like and yearn for something you never have. Less complicated. Less stress. More time to concentrate on something else.

I never been in a proper, long-term relationship because of this. Whenever it starts feeling comfortable, serious...I cut loose. I sabotaged it. I dump him or make him leave me. It hurts. But its much easier than telling him all defensively “Oh by the way, I can't have kids. And no, I totally was not leading you on.” It is much easier to stick with the fun part and cut loose before the serious kicks in. Its much easier to run away than knowing that he will leave you when he knows that you're...defective. I mean its not something you can tell over the first date now is it? “Oh this is a lovely restaurant. I'll have the chicken, with a side of salad and oh by the way I'm barren. What's for dessert?”

When is the appropriate time for this conversation? The third date? The third month? After the first “I love yous”? When? I don't know. Do you? Much easier to just end it than to bring it up. That way there will be less pieces of my heart to pick up from the cold, hard floor.

Now...in my own way, I have made my peace with it. But in my own way, I have not.

Its complicated. Children is never something that I ever wanted but it is nice to know that you could have than never actually could. Is it not in man's nature to desire what he could not? I don't really know why I wrote this post but it felt like after all these years something have been lifted from my heart. I have come to terms with it, somewhat...enough that I could share it with the faceless strangers who read the trite I spew on the Internet.

But not enough with the people who actually matter in my life.

Seriously, God hates me

I really wanna write something witty and hilarious today. But I can't. I'm depressed.

So fucking depressed.

So a little back story, I've been losing a considerable amount of weight ever since I started running last Sept. When I said considerable, I mean 19 kilos. That's about 42 pounds, if you're not on the metric system. Weight loss have never been the main goal it was more of a “Holy shit, I totally wanna run a marathon before I die” kinda thing. I'm still fat though, there's about 16 more kilos to get to my ideal BMI. However, that's not the story here. The story here is that going from a size 18 to 14 means that I gotta buy new clothes every now and then so that I totally not look like a hobo.

I been belting my clothes and doing the whole stylish layering thing for a while now cause seriously, it gets pretty expensive if I wanna buy a new wardrobe every time I drop a size. Pants however, are not as forgiving as tops cause those bitches totally slide of you. I was in the ladies department today looking at some budget pants that I can double up for gym/home/and possibly sleepwear when one of the ladies that were working there kept on staring at my boobs.

Seriously...creepy, pervert, psycho much?

Then she came up to me, put her hand on my shoulder and went

“Don't take this the wrong way love, but I seriously reckon that you're wearing the wrong bra size”.

Okay so she worked at the lingerie department and all....but still...kinda creepy.

She asked me what my size was and I told her and then she, again, stared openly at my boobs and went

“No love, you might have been that but I'm telling you now...you went down a cup.”

She gave me some new bras and you know what...she was right.

I did went down a cup. It was not like I wasn't aware of it. There have been tops that have previously been very awesome at the cleavage area that are no longer....cleavage-y. But I been telling myself that's cause I lost all my back fat, hence the tops are no longer as fitted as they are. Boobs are still however, in tact.

I was lying to myself of course.

My boobs have shrunk. My awesome rack, the type of rack that you would write home about...is no more....Holy shit I'm depressed.

I mean, WTF?! Why is it that the moment I lose weight it comes from my boobs and not my stomach?! WTF?! Why, WHY do God hates me so? I mean, seriously God, what is your deal? Like do you revel in my misery. Why the boobies God, why?!!!

Oh the pain! The pain...I cannot take it.

Probably have to take a tranquilliser to deal with the pain and the shock before I go to sleep tonight. Also, I'm losing my ass as well. Like I know I shouldn't be discussing this but my ass is shrinking as well. It's not perky anymore you guys! My ass is not perky anymore!!!! Arrrggghh!!! So now, I don't have tits AND ass. It's ridiculous. But still a lot of belly despite all the abs curls I do. No tits, no ass...but yes on the belly.

Seriously. I bet this is all some kind of bullshit cosmic joke, so the Big Guy could have his shit and giggles.

Then today, my boss told me that since sales is not going good so they're closing the shop next week. I have been working part time in a stationery/gift shop for almost 6 months now...and they're closing down the shop next week. So in a week's time, I'll be jobless.

So let's review, shall we?

No tits. No ass. No job.

And you bitches think you got it bad.

 

Bye bye boobies...

Me and Bitchface McGee

So I got a new housemate.

Her name is BitchFace McGee.

Okay, that's not her real name. But it sure as hell fits her better than whatever her real name is.

She moved in here into the extra room last Thursday, round 9 in the morning. Now the reason I can be super specific with this is cause I was at the kitchen making honey glazed carrots for breakfast. That's right, I make fancy healthy, vegetable dishes for breakfast.

Yes, I am more awesome than you. Let it go.

So the story goes on, I was cooking and someone begun unlocking the front door. Then she came in...and this is literally my first sight of her:

Both hands full of stuff, a cigarette hangin of her lips reminiscence of the Landlady from that Stephen Chow's movie, and beer belly sticking out of her shorts. Like her shorts were falling of her, what assume is her hips, and her gut was just sticking out for the whole world to see.

It wasn't pretty.

And woman just walked in the house, guts all hanging out and not saying anything at all to me. Like I was completely invisible. I was so shocked, all I could managed was;

“I'm sorry, what?”

And then she looked over, gave me a once over, and then went:

“Oh I'm moving in here. Do you live here?”

Ummm...no dumbass. I randomly brake into peoples' houses and make fancy breakfast using their stoves.

“Um, yeah.

“I'm Michelle*.

“CD. Where's you're from?

“Britain. But my boyfriend lives in house number 9, that's why I'm here.”

How is that related?

God, everything about her was trashy. Like just white trash you know. I mean maybe I was being judgemental and shit...but if you came in waltzing into people's house without even a hello and your beer belly sticking out.....I'm just gonna make the assumption that you are indeed, a white piece of trash. Also, she reminds me so much of Vicki Pollard from Little Britain, it is insane. Not the way she talks...but the way she looks. And huney, that is not a good comparison.

So that was the first encounter.

Then that night her boyfriend came to help her moved in. They had a lot of shit so I was like “Oh do you need help with that?” and I just kinda helped carry some stuff inside the house. Not much but I figure since we gonna live together, might as well play nice. While I was carrying one of the stuff, I was like “Oh this is quite heavy” and her boyfriend, whom I met but 5 seconds ago went oh “Michelle keep her sex toys in that” like all jokingly.

Right. I just met you. I just met your gf this morning. And you are already making a sex joke with me?

Classy.

When I woke up the next day, the front door of the house was opened, so I closed it. Then a little while later, it was opened again and I figured out it was her and she's didn't close the door behind her. And the same shit went on for like 3 days, woman just went waltzing out of the house and leaving the front

door just.....opened. I mean...what kind of a fucking idiot leaves the house without closing the door? It is not a tall order people. Close the door after you fucken leave. It is pretty basic. I mean...wtf? It was weird. So when I saw her next I was like

“Hey Michelle, do you mind closing the door when you go out?

“What?

“When you leave the house, close the door behind you.

“I didn't?

“No, you didn't. And its been goin on for days now.”

“Oh.

“So close the door after you, okay"

I said all politely and nice and the woman replied

“Yeah yeah yeah” in that annoying dismissing way and literally just walked away.

Fuck. This is karma. When I was a teenager, I talked like that to my mom aaaallll the time. Fuck man, this is definitely karma. It was infuriating. I kinda wanted to fly back to Malaysia at that exact moment and beg my mom for forgiveness and be all like

“I'm sorry mom!! I'm sorry for being such an infuriating piece of shit! Please forgive me! Pleaseee! I've learned my lesson from this piece of white trash I'm forced to live with!!!”

However, me being me, wouldn't let that slide. So I slammed the door behind her. I just slammed it. Perhaps I shouldn't have done that...but if bitch thinks she can just walk away mid conversation with me, she better think again. If she wanna play this game, I could play this game. I could play this game better than she ever could.

And after that we just ignore each other inside the house. Just plain ignorance. No “hey”. No “How are you?” Nothing. It is weird. She hasn't even been here a week and she already made an interesting fodder for conversations. And the thing is, when she met Leigh for the first time, she just looked at her and then walked back into her room. I mean, wtf? You gonna live with us but you don't even acknowledge us? Weird right?

She has friends all the time, in her room but I'm so weirded out that she made no effort to get to know the people that lives with her. It is weird. Like she just came in, decided to be outright rude to people she is living with and that's it. I'm not saying we all should be best friends but civilized at least? But I wouldn't know...I'm not well-versed in white trash culture.

It is still not a problem...for now anyway. She's rude but she's not obnoxious. So far, the house is still clean, her friends are confined into her room and she's not in my face. If she is, well...she'll find out.

Looking forward to that actually. 

Close encounter of the creepy kind

We shall begin today, with where Creepy-Ass Gym Dude (as he will hereby be known) left off. So he came by last Sunday and wanted to hang out and I told him no, like all in his face y'all. It should have been noted that when I said that...his face changed. Not scary changed, he just look utterly surprised. That was all, and after that he didn't come around (that I know of) which gave me a relatively creepy-assholes-free existence for an approximately 3 days until Thursday rolled in.

I was at the shopping mall library when I saw someone I recognise vaguely as one of his housemates. Here in Aussie, they have libraries in the shopping malls and the libraries are pretty kickass. You can borrow DVDs, CDs, audio books, magazines, foreign language media, video games (PC, XBOX, PS 1,2,3 and Wii) on top of the usual books and they're all free. You don't even need to pay to get a library card, you just need a valid Queensland address. That's all. Malaysia should get on to this- stat.

So I was in the library at the fiction books section when I saw the guy whom I recognised vaguely as his housemate. I certainly have seen the dude coming in and out of the house by the gym before. So me being me, completely panicked cause I assume Creepy-Ass Gym Dude would be there and I was not wrong. In like another second he appeared and they were making their way to the DVD section. And I was like “He didn't see you, be cool. Be cool.” Of course I was telling myself this while I was also trying to hide behind the bookshelves and sort of walk run to the furthest bookshelf from the DVD section. Once I got there I just crouched down on the floor and stared intently at the books that were in front of me. The thing is, the titles didn't made sense at all and I cannot figure out why they were not making any sense. But that's beside the point.

The point was, there I was, a grown woman, crouched on the floor, trying to hide from some guy. The fuck? Come on! I am better than this. I am woman. And as a woman, I can take whatever that life throws at me, throw some glitter on that shit and sell it over eBay for 5 times the cost. Cause I am woman. So I stood up, grabbed a random book of the shelf and just started thumbing it. So what if he sees me? I will not be cowed...despite him knowing where I live and all that. I know where he lives too! So there! So what if he's creepy?! I'm bitchy. I can handle this. I am badass. I am woman. All these shit was goin on in my head as I furiously thumbed the book like it owed me money or something. Then a voice asked me;

“You're not Japanese...”

It was some kid in school uniform.

“No I'm not. Why?

“But you can read Japanese...

“Huh?

“Isn't that a Japanese book you're holding...I just assume could read Japanese. Cause that would be cool.

Oh....that's why it was not making any sense....

“I'm Malaysian. Everyone from Malaysia can read Japanese. It's in our learning syllabus.”

The kid looked thoroughly impressed.

“Yeah...I need to go now anyway. Konichiwa.”

Totally pulled that out of my ass man. So what if I was not totally un-frazzled? I am woman. I will rise above this. I did however...stayed in the library for another hour after I made sure the coast is clear...so that I won't bump into him in any other part of the shopping mall.

You bitches can stop sniggering now.

Things were fine until Leigh* asked me to go the gym with her. Up to this point, I have been avoiding the gym like a plague. Leigh is my 23-year-old Australia housemate. She is, by far, the sweetest person I have ever met in my entire life. She is also, the nerdiest. I kid you not. The woman has been on the Dean's List since her first sem and she studies Biomedical Science. That shit is not easy, and to be on the Dean's List every damn sem is quite a feat. Fuck, I study Journalism which is chicken shit compared to what she is doing and I'm not even close to the Dean's List man. She's very clever, but also very shy and timid. It took me about 10 days to coax her into talking to me when she first moved in. At first I thought she was an arrogant bitch cause she won't talk to me but then whenever I talked to her, said hello or whatever, in the early days,she would smiled shyly at me before scurrying into her room. Like a mouse. Bitches don't smile and scurried, they give you dirty looks, ignore you and model strut into their room. I have now managed to get to talk to me...and now, she doesn't want to shut up. I swear to God. Sometimes my brain hurts from her chatter, but I don't mind.

“Leigh, I don't wanna go to the gym...Creepy gym asshole would be able to see me.

“But I'll be there. You won't be alone. Plus, what about that whole “I am Woman” thing you spewed when you came home just now?”

Ah for fuck's sake...

It was with heavy trepidation that I followed Leigh to the gym that night. Things were okay for the first 10 mins, I felt semi-relaxed....until Creepy-Ass Gym Dude showed up. I am fucken with you not. The dude showed up. I am woman...but I freaked out like shit. Inwardly, of course. I was controlling my facial features but I was screaming bloody murder inside. He came in, looked at Leigh who was on the elliptical and completely avoided my eyes. I was like “Okay, okay...it will not be awkward if you don't make it awkward. Be cool CD. Be cool.”

So I continued running while Leigh continued with her one sided chatter, oblivious to my drama. And the whole time, he continued being in my view but avoiding my eyes and I was avoiding looking at him. It was fucken stupid. High school never ends people. He was doing all kinds of push-ups and abs curls and bla bla bla. I don't want to say that whole show was for my benefit but um......

1. There are so many weight training equipments in the gym, why are you not using that asshole?
2. Why are you doing push-ups and abs curls, shit you can do on your bedroom floor but you chose to come to the gym, and in my full view?

Sometimes my life is so stupid, I just wanna give up.

Then he moved to the back of the gym where he was actually using the equipments, and considering the fact that I was running on the treadmill and all the equipments are facing the treadmill, I'm just gonna make the assumption that he was also looking at my ass. Do you know how fucked up it is to be running and to have someone creepily stare at your ass? It is fucked up. Then the whole time I was on the treadmill, I keep on telling myself to go faster than usual cause I wanna show him that if he ever chase me as prelude to killing me and then mutilating my body and then burying me in concrete at a construction site, he will however, need to chase me first. Which is tricky, cause he's an athlete...and he runs track.

See, I know there are bunch of young athletes living in the complex. I seen them train and I have spoken to some of the girls who's on the team and they told me that they been placed here for their training. They don't work, they don't study, they just train. I seen them around with their coach sometimes and I know they go to some high tech gym over the other side of the town. The girl that I spoke with have been to 2 Olympics and 3 Commonwealths I think. I'm not sure. But they're athletes and they do track. Creepy-Ass Gym Dude is one of them.

So that's why when he showed up last night, I was all spooked. Why do you come to this stupid apartment gym when your government is paying for you to go to some state-of-the-art gym? Amirite, amirite? Ah creepy. But yes, I can't run as fast you but I still run asshole. I can still run. Also I don't get it, I'm not even hot. If I am totally hot, I would get this but I'm not which brings me to my other theory:

Have you guys heard of this well jock thing, that when their team is in a bad state, one of the jocks would find a fat chick and have sex with her so that they could get out of their losing track or something. I never heard of it, until I come here. But yes, its like sports superstition. Take one for the team aka have sex with a fat chick and then your losing streak would be over. Seriously! Have you not heard of this?

I'm fat. I wear a size 14 AU/UK. He's a jock. Think about it...cause I reckon this is what it is all about.

I left the gym without looking at him and as soon as we got home Leigh went;

“That was the guy right?

“How could you tell?

“There was a seriously weird vibe when he came in.”

I wish he would just find another fat chick for him to get over his sports funk or whatever cause this is irritating me. It's not fair. He has his fancy athlete gym, I only have this one. I should have custody of this one.

Asshole.

Creepy assholes need not apply

I am freaking out here people.

I know I have been gone for a looong time and well, life happens. To get y'all up to date: I have now gone on an epic quest to become a bonafide runner. I have done three 5ks so far, signed up for my first 10k next month and if all goes to plan, I will be running my first half-marathon (21.5km) in July during the Gold Coast Airport Marathon. And for all that, I have been hitting the gym quite hard actually. Like.....90 minutes sessions 6 days a week. And that's just cardio, we're not talking about strength training yet. I abhor strength training by the way, but it has to be done. It would help me with the half marathon and the full marathon at the end of the year.

Which brings us to our actual story here.

The gym that I go to is my apartment gym. It is not one of those fancy schmancy Fitness First-type gyms. It is just equipments, open 24 hours a day for residents, comes with the rent and well, situated in a glass bubble in the middle of the complex, overlooking the pool. I feel like a fish every time I workout cause of the glass walls.

Our story begins last Friday while I was hitting the treadmill hard. I try to walk/run (cause I am not such a good runner yet) at least 7km a day...sometimes 10km a day when I feel like it. I run outside sometimes too but it is autumn now and it has been raining a lot here in Brisbane...I really could not be bothered. So I was on the treadmill in my aquarium gym, it was completely empty but for myself when this guy came in. He smiled. I nodded. Then he started saying something and I was like “What now?” I honestly do not know what he was talking about cause I was trying not to die here. Running for me is that fine line between pleasure and eternal death. Gotta concentrate so that I don't keel over and die whenever I run. Obviously, this fucker did not realise that.

Dude went on and on and I honestly do not know what the fuck he was saying. I was like “Um asshole, can you not see I am trying to workout here? WTF?” But obviously I didn't say it, I was more like “Uh huh” to whatever he was saying. I did get bits and pieces of it, mostly along the lines:

“Oh I see you in the gym before.

“Uh huh.

“You come here quite often.

“Uh huh.

“You really workout huh?

“Uh huh.

“So I see you tomorrow here round this time?

“Uh huh...wait what?

“I see you tomorrow.

“Uumm...uh huh.”

And then he left, which I was thankful for. I finished my workout and then it occurred to me that dude was trying to chat me up. And that was just ridiculous cause when I go to the gym, I always, consistently look like shit. We're talking old shirt, faded pants, sweating buckets, flushed cheeks and just gross all around. And who the fuck chat up girls on the goddamn treadmill anyway? And I was like okay, that was weird and that was that.

The next day I went to the gym round the same time and he wasn't there which I was thankful for. Finished my workout and as I was leaving the gym, he came running out of his house waving at me. Turns out he lives in the house right NEXT TO THE GYM. Which kinda make sense at that point. And he was like

“Oh I thought I come see you after you're done...

“Okay.

“So what are you doing tomorrow?

“Uhh.....”

“I'm just gonna walk you home okay?

“Umm...this is where I live.”

Like, the gym is probably a minute walk away from house. So we kinda stood awkwardly in front of my place. The thing is... I have noticed him before round my area cause he's kinda hot. But in a threatening kinda way. There are 2 types of hot: The first being men who are just hot cause they are good looking (ie: Orlando Bloom) and the other type is that they're kinda have a dangerous vibe to them (ie: Clive Owen), kinda like a bad boy. This guy is of the second type. He's about 5'11, slim, muscular, really nice arms.....but its kinda messed up cause one arm is pretty much all covered up with tattoos. And y'all know how I feel about tattoos. He's hot when I seen him around from afar, but now that he was standing in front of me, with his tattoos and shit....it is intimidating. And threatening.

“So I'm going in now...really nice meeting you again *Tyler.”

He just stood there like I was supposed to invite in. WTF? I just met you. Again, awkward. Then he said

“Okay I'm just gonna talk with my boys and I'll be back okay?”

After that he just left, he didn't really give me an option. I was like “Did that just happened? Did that guy just invited himself to my place?” And of course, I freaked out. I texted like 3 of my friends

“HOLY SHIT! SOME GUY FOLLOWED ME HOME FROM THE GYM! HOLY FUCK! CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS!! I MIGHT BE DEAD ALREADY!”

Set the police hotline to my number 1 speed dial and literally just barricaded myself inside my bedroom for the next half an hour...and he didn't show up. So I thought it would be safe to go out to the kitchen cause I was really hungry at that point. Just as I was starting to cook, he knocked on the front door and the shitty thing is that my kitchen is right next to the front door. I can't actually hide now can I? So he stood there looking expectantly at me and I felt cornered....I invited him in. I should not have done so but I felt cornered. I was also, well frightened to a certain degree cause I didn't know how he would have reacted. So he came in and it was really tense, well for me. He seemed really relax and I was on the edge of my seat especially cause the house was empty but for the two of us. Both my house-mates were out. One went home to her parents' place, the other is spending the night at her boyfriend's so, yes, I was edgy. Thankfully my phone kept on beeping and ringing cause of the message I mass texted to my friends so I was like “Look! You cannot kill me now cause people know you are here!!!”

At one point he even said “You look so tense, I have a bottle of wine at home. Would you like me to bring it here?”

ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?!!

He could have just said “Oh yeah, I totally wanna get you drunk so I could rape you when you're out cold.” Would have cut out all the bullshit right?

I finally managed to fake a very important phone call from Malaysia and told him to go home. Before that he was still like;

“Right, so what are you doing tomorrow?

“Movie with a friend. He wants to watch that new war movie.

“Oh what time is that?

“I dunno yet.

“What about at night?

“Going out with my girls.

“What about Sunday?

“Uumm.......church.”

He stared at me while I try to keep a straight face. Church, my ass. I'm not even Christian dude. Then I said

“Look, we live here. I'm sure we would bump into each other someday. I really need to take this call now.”

And he left. It was strange...and I am creeped out by it. On Saturday, I did went out with the girls and then on Sunday round 6pm he came knocking again. The shitty thing was that I was sitting in the living room watching some creepy-ass movie so when the knock came, it scared the shit out of me. And again, I was alone. No house-mates. I answered the door and he was like

“Hey what are you doing?

“Watching a movie.

“Should I watch it with you?”

Seriously, that's what he said. How pushy can an asshole be? And I said

“Um no, I'm planning to get some work done after this. So no.”

He looked surprised so I went on.

“So I'll see you okay?”

And closed the door. And that was that. I wonder if he got the message.

I'm kinda creeped out still. What if he comes around again tomorrow? I mean, he knows where I fucking live people. My house-mates are back but still....And this probably means that I can't go to the gym anymore cause then he would know when I'm home, right? This is bullshit!! All I want is to do is workout in peace. Is that too much to ask for? For fuck's sake man!

Plus, I dunno what he wants but he's coming on too strong. Coming around whenever it suits him. WTF. I don't even know you. It's creepy! Like he could at least ask for my number so that he can call before he wanna come around. Not that I would give him my number, but it won't matter cause he KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. It's scary. I'm creeped out. It's okay if he's not coming on too strong but he is. Plus, he's in a no-win zone anyway with those tattoos.

Looks like I have to start running outside tomorrow and the weather forecast says it would rain.

This is bullshit.