Friday, October 19, 2007

If Jason Bourne were my husband...

Before you, dear non-existing blog reader say that this movie is old news and why the hell is the Constantly Dramatic one blogging about this? Let me clarify. Bourne Ultimatum hit Malaysian shores like on the Oct 11th or something. I'm not sure, so where I'm at, this ain't old news...its moderately-new semi-old kinda news. Cool? Moving on.

For those of you out there who have not watched this movie I say friggin drag your ass to the cinema already and watch it!! It is like the one of the coolest movies I ever watched. And its an action movie too. FYI, I hate action movies with a passion so deep, it scares the bejesus out of Hitler. Most actions movies are repetitive and empty- plot wise, that they insult my intelligence. Case and point: ALL VanDamme movies.

But not with the Bourne franchise. Finally a movie that has both brains and brawn. Bourne can speak 7 different languages, highly intelligent and move swiftly like a friggin ninja! Bourne can kick ass like no body's business. It's so cool, I could wet my pants. Plus, BU also has a pretty intelligent plot seeing that it does come from a bestselling novel triology. And have I mentioned the fight scenes?

Okay, yes I am aware that the fights were choreograph. Yes, I understand that those scenes are not done in a single take. Yes, I acknowledge that the art of editing and the magic of sound effects made all the fight sequences look and sounds so amazing. Yes, I comprehend that the usage of handheld cameras adds to the suspense. While I do know more than the average person regarding the matters of film making seeing that I am heading off to film school, I choose to overlook it coz, c'mon why wanna ruin a brilliant thing like the Bourne Ultimatum over some flimsy thing as the basics of film making? Fuck that.

The fights scenes were so brilliant that upon leaving the cinema I had the overwhelming urge to pick fights with someone, anyone, so long as I can kick their asses- Jason Bourne style. Uh huh. Seriously. But I repressed it because as it turns out I am not Jason Bourne, and if I do get into fights with anyone I will undoubtedly get my ass whooped. This, I have no doubt.

But wouldn't it be cool if say...I am married to Jason Bourne? Say that in some alternate universe we met, fell in love, have fantastic sex and then he ended up being my husband. Dude! I would pick fights with everyone coz I can. Coz my husband is a bad ass. Think about it:

I'm in line at the cinema and some asshole cut in front of me in the queue. I tap him on the shoulder and say that he should go to the back of the line but he told me to fuck off instead. So what do I do? I call my husband Jason Bourne and he comes and whoop that asshole back to last year! Yeah some kungfu ninja shit and all while looking insanely sleek. Then as the onlookers ooh and ahh, I'll go "Yeah, that's my husband Jason Bourne. He can really layeth the smacketh down on any one of you assholes. He hardcore."

I found a parking spot and as I was maneuvering my car into it, some jackass came out of nowhere and got into the spot before I did. WTF? I got out of my car, banged on his window and demanded that he move his damn car .He told me to fuck off and somehow managed to slip in the fact that anything with tits can't park cars for shit. So what do I do? I call my husband Jason Bourne and he comes and whoop that jackass back to last year! Yeah, he will brake Jackass's window and then proceed to grab him by the ears and drag his ass out of the car. Yes I said "grab him by the ears". Coz that's my husband Jason. He hardcore. Then he will do a roundhouse kick with a combination of jujitsu to beat the living crap out of Jackass. Finally when Jackass cannot take it anymore, Jason (my husband, in case you have somehow managed to forget that) would then proceed to flying kick him off the roof (lets assume that the parking lot was a rooftop parking lot). Then as the crows who live on the rooftop caw insanely at the spectacle they just witnessed I'll say "Yeah, that's my husband Jason Bourne. He flying kick people off the roof all the time. He hardcore."

When I finally begin my evil plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, I will use Jason as my awesome-death-defying-fighting-machine.

In the movie he was involved in a car crash and did not even get a small cut while the villain had a concussion or something. He leaped from one rooftop to another and not once did he stumble. Finally in the last scene, he jumped off a building- a 20 floor building, got shot in mid-air and plunge into the water- 20 floors down, mind you- and STILL survives. If that shit ain't hardcore, I dunno what is. I will collect his awesome-death-defying-fighting-machine DNA and harvest it so that I can raise an army of Jason Bourne clones. Bazookas, tanks, fighter jets and whatever combat weapons you have, have got nuthin on the Army of Jason Bourne Clones that I have created.


I am an evil genius. Now bow down and stare in wonder.



munk said...

well, knowing you, i think it will be more likely that you would the victim of a bitch induced case of domestic violence.

yea. he hardcore like that.

Son-Son said...

dude, why not have kids and replicate that way?
cloning not out yet la.
and how would you tell which is your real husband?
oh wait he'd be the one wearing the ring.
what if one of them turns out to be an evil twin?

beat that shit.

Maverick SM said...

Ok, I will go watch this movie. But I won't go cinema...I will try get the VCD or DVD from Petaling Street.

Your passion for this movie makes me want to get it.

constant_drama said...

Munkao: Please, that shit wont be happening. And plus, you're just jealous coz he doesn't bat for the other sorry dude, no chance for you. And next time I see you I'm gonna kick your ass myself.

Im hardocore like that.

constant_drama said...

Sony: Let's tackle this one by one shall we?

1) I wanna make an Army of Jason Bourne? When I say army that means a lot. Like....for world domination....say 1,000, 000. Are you fucking insane that I'm gona squeeze that many Jason Bournes out of my birth canal?

2) Cloning is out. It exists. You don't know this coz you're not the evil genius. I am.

3) My real husband? Who cares. I have loads of Jason. Can you imagine the kinky-orgy sex I'll be having? Imagine Sony, imagine....yes now I put that image in your head. MWAHAHAHAHAH!!

4) Well since you asked, I am forced to reveal a top secret information: the clones would have a micro chip transmittor in their head and if they go out of order I shall terminate them with a single push of a button.

I stress the fact that I am the evil genius here. Thank you. That would be all. ;-p

constant_drama said...

Maverick: Jason Bourne. Kick. Ass.

Maverick SM said...

Are you getting better from your bipolar mood?

Just try closed your mind to those condescending behavior around you and think of those nice things to wear, to shop and to look beautiful. You will feel much better.