Monday, January 12, 2009

A Lesson from Animal Planet

Do you know that a male snake has two penises? Two.

No shit. I’m serious. I couldn’t sleep the other day so I was up at 3 in the morning watching Animal Planet (that’s right, 3 in the morning and watching Animal Planet- I am too fucking cool for words. I am soo fucking cool, I am like the Fonz of my generation), anyways….snakes have 2 penises. I dunno bout you guys, but that totally rocked my world. Understand that my world now consist of sleeping in till midday, midnight prank calls to my nosy neighbour and writing little haikus that make no sense and emailing it to friends such as this:

My ass is really big,

I blame my mother for it,

Cause hers is big too

Okay, so that’s a really lousy haiku. But what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t take much to rock my world these days. If you would come up to me and say “CD! I had toasts for breakfast today” I would go “No way dude!! That totally rocks my world!” …………..Anyways back to snakes and their multiple penises.

Apparently snakes have 2 penises to maximize their chance of fertilizing a female snake….Apparently if there’s a low sperm count in one penis, then they gonna use the other one. Like how do you know if that penis has a lower sperm count than the other? How? To my knowledge, snakes can’t jerk off right? They don’t have hands. What do they do? Rub both of it on a tree trunk and get off? And then count afterwards? “Sssssss thisssss ooonesss hasssss moooreeeessss sppeerrrsmms thannss the others sssss, willlsss ussseeeessss thissss neeexxxtttsss timeees I gootss lucckysss….Sssssss”? What? Is that how they know?

And what if the snake has weak swimmers? Doesn’t matter which one he uses, that female he bangin with either penis will not get pregnant now will she? I mean, think about it. You can have all the money in the world, drive all the big cars and have 2 penises and still be impotent. How sad is that? Also what the show did not address was the size issues. Would both be the same size, or one is bigger than the other? Is it possible for the female snake to choose which one? Can she like “Ooohhhsss Edwarrddo-sssss, I wantssss that onesss, that onesss on the leftttssss. Yeeessss bebeh, I is a size queeeennsssss….” Can she? 

Female snakes got it lucky if you ask me. If the male snake is anything like a lusty/horny/stupid boy on prom night, wanting to lose it, he would be jizzing in his pants even before anything starts. I bet this would totally pisses off the horny-teenage-girl-snake and she be like “Whysss you be cumming before meeee foooolsss!” and then horny-teenage-boy-snake would go “It’s ookaaays, I got another onesss” and all is well.

Just sayin.

With that said....maaaan do I need to leave the house more often or what?

Update Jan 12 2008/ 11:03pm they pee from both penises too? Do they take turns OR both penises can go at it at the same time?

Update Jan 12 2008/ 11:04pm



Ania said...

Seriously? They have two penises? That's such randomly useful information. And the teenage girl snake conversation? It was priceless. Your blog never fails to entertain.

Tinesh said...

fuck dude. you should write a book. like douglas adams and neil gaiman let loose :D

senorita.. said...

hey, u're doin great providing entertainment without leaving the house. ur brain's like confined and random funny things just sprout out. u'll do fine anywhere.. (i'm really saying , stay in ur room n watch more discovery/animal planet so that u can share more of this with us!). u're awwwsome!

Zikri said...

They should totally rename Animal Planet to Animal Porn Planet

I mean, what the hell. Why do I need to know that an elephant has a prehensile penis?

rujing said...

both entertaining AND educational. as i've said before, you need to host your own show. hope your not sick anymore! although i've found being sick does have its upsides - you totally get out of chores. "nah (family member) i can't do the dishes, i don't want to get my sick germs on them. i'm thinking of YOU!" take care, x

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA! Hey, your haiku has 18 syllables maaan!

JD Cole said...

owh my~

what an informative & entertaining post this is! ;P

Anonymous said...

i was munching on my HELLO PANDA chocolate biscuits when I read this. I chocked out of my laughter ok.

HAHA to u tcdo for posting this..I was trying to enjoy my choc biscuits and here I am, suffering a bitter sweet pain in my throat.

ok. so random.

anyways, 2 penis..? oh my. what a joy. hahahahaha. oohhsss yeessss, yousss cansss takesss awaysss my gutsss buttsss notsss my

why do you always have the ability to turn something boring *yawn* like animal planet to something entertaining ah?

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


I know right, next time you see a snake this would totally come to mind right? =p

And thank you for reading my blog! =)


So that's a compliment right? Yay!


I know dude! The more I'm disconnected from the world, the more mengarut I get. Kuat sangat mengarut for no reason =p


Hahaha!!! I feel your anger young pedawan....=p

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


Hahaha! No shows for me, I don't really like being in the spotlight. I like being near it- in charge, but not in it. Get it? But yeah, I TOTALLY used that excuse. Haha!



Haiku. FAIL.

JD Cole:

2 in 1. Macam shampoo. =D


Sooo sorry for the HELLO PANDA biscuits. Hahaha! Lain kali dont eat and read =p

Peter Varvel said...

Laff my fucking ASS off, TCDO!
This was hysterical!
Yeah: always good to have a back-up penis LOL.

Jamie said...

Haha, I never would have guessed that about an elephant penis...thanks for the trivia! :)

Frank said... I feel inadequate with just ONE penis.

senorita.. said...

ooooh, the snake conversation. LMAO

Fable Frog said...

When you mentioned 2 penises i'm like, "whoa~!! THREESOME!" ya like have sex with 2 female and see which one get pregger lor~ such a genius plan right? Damn! and both female can get pregger at the very same time! No wonderlah snake never become extinct~ horny lil' bastards~ ish!

oh and your statement: 'My ass is really big,I blame my mother for it,Cause hers is big too' ~ that's so Will I Am's 'i got it from my momma'~ sir mix-a-lot came to mind too~ :)

jaak said...

apa obatnya pantat gede?

Brandy Rose said...

So the female can the female "take on" more than one at a time? How far apart are the penises? Could the male "take on" more than one at a time??

Mike Valentino said...

big asses are awesome

MisSmall said...

Snakes. Eww!

Two penises. EEWWWW!!

Hey, I had toast for breakfast! :D

Medie007 said...

two penises aside, you wrote funny. daym. how can you so blardy free?

Charlotte said...

haahhahahah, such a funny post!
PS I ad no idea about this, you never go to bed without knowing something new! (this is a tipical Spanish saying.

Technodoll said...

If you've (accidentally) seen snake porn, ie women using snakes as, erm, toys... you will see it doesn't matter how many dicks they have. They ARE one giant penis! LOL

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


I know. Especially for those guys that can only last for 3 mins. Wtf right?


Animal Planet is your fweeend. =D And thanks for reading my blog!


That's you! What bout me?! I don't even have one! =p


Glad you enjoyed that. =)

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Fable Frog:

OMG!! Froggie is on my blog! OMG!!! YAY!!

And I totally agree. Those horny bastards will never go into extinction. Curse them! Curse them and their 2 penises! =p


Liposuction perhaps?

Brandy Rose:

Holy crap. I didn't even think of that. You're even more inquisitive than me. I think it's high time that we actually write to a snake expert regarding this. The public HAVE TO KNOW!! =P

Thanks for dropping by.


Oh Mike, how I heart you so....

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


Toast?! Wow man, that totally rocked my world. =P


Well thank you Agent007. Cause I am in the ADP degree program and now I'm just waiting to fly off to Aussie in Feb to continue my studies =)


Thank you Charlotte. And cool saying =)


They stick the snake in there?!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!