A Lesson from Animal Planet

Do you know that a male snake has two penises? Two.

No shit. I’m serious. I couldn’t sleep the other day so I was up at 3 in the morning watching Animal Planet (that’s right, 3 in the morning and watching Animal Planet- I am too fucking cool for words. I am soo fucking cool, I am like the Fonz of my generation), anyways….snakes have 2 penises. I dunno bout you guys, but that totally rocked my world. Understand that my world now consist of sleeping in till midday, midnight prank calls to my nosy neighbour and writing little haikus that make no sense and emailing it to friends such as this:

My ass is really big,

I blame my mother for it,

Cause hers is big too

Okay, so that’s a really lousy haiku. But what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t take much to rock my world these days. If you would come up to me and say “CD! I had toasts for breakfast today” I would go “No way dude!! That totally rocks my world!” …………..Anyways back to snakes and their multiple penises.

Apparently snakes have 2 penises to maximize their chance of fertilizing a female snake….Apparently if there’s a low sperm count in one penis, then they gonna use the other one. Like how do you know if that penis has a lower sperm count than the other? How? To my knowledge, snakes can’t jerk off right? They don’t have hands. What do they do? Rub both of it on a tree trunk and get off? And then count afterwards? “Sssssss thisssss ooonesss hasssss moooreeeessss sppeerrrsmms thannss the others sssss, willlsss ussseeeessss thissss neeexxxtttsss timeees I gootss lucckysss….Sssssss”? What? Is that how they know?

And what if the snake has weak swimmers? Doesn’t matter which one he uses, that female he bangin with either penis will not get pregnant now will she? I mean, think about it. You can have all the money in the world, drive all the big cars and have 2 penises and still be impotent. How sad is that? Also what the show did not address was the size issues. Would both be the same size, or one is bigger than the other? Is it possible for the female snake to choose which one? Can she like “Ooohhhsss Edwarrddo-sssss, I wantssss that onesss, that onesss on the leftttssss. Yeeessss bebeh, I is a size queeeennsssss….” Can she? 

Female snakes got it lucky if you ask me. If the male snake is anything like a lusty/horny/stupid boy on prom night, wanting to lose it, he would be jizzing in his pants even before anything starts. I bet this would totally pisses off the horny-teenage-girl-snake and she be like “Whysss you be cumming before meeee foooolsss!” and then horny-teenage-boy-snake would go “It’s ookaaays, I got another onesss” and all is well.

Just sayin.

With that said....maaaan do I need to leave the house more often or what?

Update Jan 12 2008/ 11:03pm

Dude.....do they pee from both penises too? Do they take turns OR both penises can go at it at the same time?

Update Jan 12 2008/ 11:04pm

No....seriously.