Friday, January 30, 2009

The Fuckery that is Craiglist

First of all, I want to apologize for the overly emo previous post. God….I didn’t even proof-read that one. Just wrote whatever the fuck I wanted and then clicked post and didn’t even have another look at it. I just read it for the first time like 5 minutes ago and I am cringing from the horror of it all. I mean, holy shit y’all….could I sound even more angsty-emo-teenager then that? Well could I? The answer to that is no my friend, no. Sometimes I hate this blogging thing. You post something without thinking it through then when you finally figure out what kind of fuckery that was…you’re already totally screwed. Cause the 7 and a half people who read your blog already read it and there is no way of taking it back. None. And I said “and a half” cause I’m pretty sure one is a midget.



God, that was a mean joke. I’m sorry for that too. If you are a midget and you are reading this blog…please don’t hate me. Go ahead, make all the fat jokes you could think off. It’s fine. Cause at the end of the day you’re still a midget, I’m still fat and I could sit on you with my giant ass and you will suffocate and die. So don’t cross the line….biatch.



Anyways back to my room hunting. When the Uni rejected my application, they included a list of off-campus accommodations that I could look into. That list almost single-handedly killed me. Seriously. I really did convulsed, fell off the chair and then flopped on the floor like a fish on deck for a while. I only stopped cause my brother said he will kick me if I don’t. Apparently all my convulsing and rolling on the floor was distracting him from watching a Manchester United game. Dude has priorities.



I checked with my bestfriend whose currently studying medicine in Ukraine and she told me that my reaction to the accommodations list is actually a quite common medical reaction. So common in fact that they even have fancy shcmancy Latin name for it. I would tell you the Latin term but I dunno how to spell it so let’s call it by it’s pedestrian name:




“OMGWTF-are-you-Aussie-fucking-with-me?!!$#^#@&!#$??-itis.”



It’s real y’all. It’s a condition experience by international students with the intentions of studying in Aussie upon finding out that in Australia the rent is by a weekly basis and the cheapest room the fucking university can suggest is fucking AUD190 a week. AUD190 bitches! Convert that to Malaysian Ringgit, now times that by 4 and that’s my monthly rent and then times that by 6 cause the shortest lease I could get is a 6 months deal. And since I know you people are lazy as hell let me do it for you.



AUD 190 = RM448



RM448 x 4 = RM1,792 (1 month’s rent)



RM1,792 x 6 = RM10,752 (6 months)



Almost 11k for a 6 months’ rent. Now you see why I was convulsing? Now you see?!! I don’t shit diamonds! If you’re thinking “Hey CD, I thought your family is like well off?” Yes my family is well-off. We are well-off, not filthy rich stoooopid. Our last name do not end with a “Hilton” or “Trump” okay. It ends with some common Malay name. Arrrggghhh!!! 11k for 6 fucking months. Now excuse me for a while…I need to go roll around on the floor a bit. I find convulsing and rolling on the floor strangely soothing these days.




11k. I cannot do to my Dad. I can’t. Need to find a cheaper place. So all chocked up on intense guilt and plague by an inner monologue that goes on something like this: “Tu lah, dulu lepas SPM dapat buat architecture kat UIA tak nak. Nak gak gi private college. Nak gak belajar overseas. Terhegeh-hegeh sangat. Poyoh sangat. Tengok skrg, apa jadi?” over and over again…..I decided to consult the Wise One. I called my sister in Finland. Woman did not answer the phone. I called her again. Still, no answer. In desperation, I went to the Not-So-Wise-One-but-Still-Okay…my brother. Dude was playing some damn football game on the PS3. Doesn’t look good, I can tell you that.



I told him of my predicament and he’s like



“Duuude, Craiglist Australia.”


“Duuude, no.”


“Duuude, you can find cheap rooms for rent there.”


“Duuude, crazy people hangs out on Craiglist.”


“Duuude, you should fit in then. Cause you know…..”


“Know what?”


“Well you’re my little sister……


“……..”


“Okay. You’re my sister and I say this with much love. Ummm, you’re kinda uuhhh….eccentric.”


“Yeah….so what’s your point?”


“Meaning if you’re already halfway crazy, what’s wrong with living with crazy people?”




He has a point. And I resent being called eccentric. Quirky perhaps, but not eccentric. I mean, so what if I still believe that my stuffed toys can communicate with me? Or that my car could possible be a transformer? Or you know….that one time I left a RM50 note in my jeans pocket and completely forgotten about it then one day the money fell out of the pocket and instead of reacting like any other normal person, I was convinced that money was given to me by Shoe Fairies that came into my room in the middle of night. This is a valid theory seeing that Shoe Fairies would totally know how much I wanted these super fabulous pair of shoes so they left me a RM50 note cause adopting shoes into a new home is a worthy cause. I mean….c’mon! Who here have never thought of Shoe Fairies?! Just cause you never heard of them or seen them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist……Wait you know what…on second thought my brother is onto something here.



For those who are not familiar with Craiglist….let’s just say that it is quite notorious. Perhaps the best way to describe it is to quote my friend Farid; “i mean think about all the ppl listed on craigslist. Employers, aspiring actors, hookers, hustlers, rapists, serial killers, paedophiles.” Exact quote. And really, Craiglist is notorious for being the source of all kinds of fuckery. I know this cause I’m addicted to the web and read Best of Craiglist for shit and giggles when I’m bored. I know. My life is so utterly fascinating that I leave you people breathless with my minute-by-minute description of it.


Beggars can’t be choosers, with that in mind I went through Craiglist.au trying to find a place that is quite near to my Uni. I found a couple of rooms that are within the AUD95-180 weekly range. I refuse to go higher then that. So I emailed them, tell them that I’m interested, a lil background info and hope that I haven’t somehow alerted a serial killer with a giant-ass-fetish of my existence. Cause if there is a serial killer with a giant-ass-fetish then I am completely fucked.



The next day I’ve received a couple of replies and you know what, the stories are true. Crazy people do go on Craiglist. I found this place, fully furnished…actually it’s an apartment and the homeowners are leaving the country due to work. They need a housesitter and the place is 20mins away from uni by bus. The rent is AUD110 a week. Not much seeing that when I go there the only thing I have to buy is food and I’ll be living alone in a sweetass apartment. No housemates issues. No privacy issues. They got a flatscreen TV so you know…..



The man wrote back to me and it kinda sounded like this:



“Ms. Drama, I think that we would be a good match. I like that you do not smoke nor drink and listed gardening as one of your interest. We have a little garden that needs tending too. Before we could proceed with anything I would like to interview you via Skype. That is the 2nd most important thing, the interview. The most important thing that my wife and I need to know before letting you into our home is….Ms. Drama, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour?”






Whoaaa!! Did not see that coming. Turns out he’s a Reverend, off for missionary work in West Africa. And the rest of his email was riddle with “missionary work”, “converting the ignorant” and multiple usage of the word “crusade”. Scared the crap out of me. I mean the hell am I suppose to say?




“No sir, I have not accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour because I’m Muslim. I’m perfectly happy being Muslim as you are being a Christian. But really, must we put such a small thing between us? Can’t we just stand up and hug each other? Honestly, this is not such a big deal like what you are making it out to be so just relax and pass me your keys. I wanna chill at your sweetass place with the flat screen TV. Word to yo mother.



Salam mualaikum.”


The hell! I am not that insane okay. No offence to anyone but overly religious people scares the hell out of me. I don’t care if they’re Muslims or Christians or Buddhist or whatever else, overly religious people- no matter what their religion is, are scary. Fuck man. So I consider that one is a no go. Then I received an email from a girl. I think she’s like a hardcore environmentalist and a vegetarian.



“Hey CD!



Yeah of course the room is still available. But we’re here in this house are vegetarians. Absolutely no meat in the house. No eggs too. And if you have any leather “goods”, please do not bring it into the house. Also we do a lot of fun things here in the house. Every week we came up with new vegetarian organic recipes and sometimes we picket for animal rights. You can come join us if you want.



And oh have you eaten baby seals before? If you have then….this is going to be difficult but I would have to say no. People who eat baby seals are evil and if you’re eaten before then you are evil. We don’t want evil people in the house. Also stray cats come and go here because we feed them. Don’t want them to die of starvation in the alleys now do we? You can have a couple of cats and keep them in your room if you want.



So that’s all. Get back to me ya.”


Uhhhhhh, though this one doesn’t sound as crazy as the first one but still kinda crazy. I have not eaten baby seals but I don’t wanna live with fanatic tree huggers. Fuck that shit. And stray cats come and go on the premises? Dude, sounds like my aunt’s place and my aunt’s place smells like hell cause the stray cats shit everywhere. I don’t want to live in some cat poo dungeon with a bunch of crazy animal rights activist. Fuck that. Then I received another email that make me wipe my hands off Craiglist for all eternity. It’s from some guy named Jack*.


“Oh hello CD, I’m glad that you emailed me.


Yes the room is still available for rent. But it will be the only two of us in the house. I hope you don’t mind that. I work 9 to 5 everyday so I won’t be in your way much. There’s a BBQ and patio and you can use it if you want to entertain friends but just give me the heads up first.


Before we could proceed with anything, I need you to know that I am a nudist. I enjoy walking around the apartment naked. It’s nothing sexual, I just feel comfortable naked. I’m letting you know this because my previous tenant found this disturbing and moved out in anger. I don’t understand what was the big deal is. So I’m just letting you know in case you’re just as uncool as she was.


I walk around naked, you don’t have to be naked if you don’t want too. But if you want too, it would be better. Nudity is not such a big deal you know. We could be naked together.


So email me back if you are still interested.


Regards,

Jack.”




I fucking hate my Uni for rejecting my on-campus accommodations. And I fucking hate my brother too for suggesting Craiglist to me.

32 comments:

Anne said...

OMGGGGG funniest shit ever! What is this craiglist thing? I have never heard off it.. I WANT TO STAY WITH THE NUDIST!!! Hahahha.. I'm eccentric, I'll fit in. Well maybe not the nudist, but the crazy vegan cat lady will do. I'm ALL for saving a quick buck!

senorita.. said...

lol. epic craiglist.

u r now scarred for life.... ur bro's mean as!

Sherri said...

HO.LEE.SHYT.

I knew Craigslist had some screwy individuals, but...DAYUM.

I really do hope you find that room, though!

benazirjb said...

craiglist?? uhh. i learned a new fact from your post today. huhu
i just love reading ur blog!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Anne:

I agree. Ceazy vegan cat lady seems to be the friendliest. Heh.

Senorita:

Actually he's not. But my family has a mean sense of humour. Kasar tau. So I'm used to it.

Sherri:

Oh I've already picked out some rooms but that's for the next post. We talk bout crazy people first in this post.

benazirjb:

Thank you. Now go read the Best of Craiglist link that I gave. There's some really funny/disturbing shit there.

RB said...

I will never look at craigslist the same...If I had to choose, I'd go with nudist man...you could eat whatever you wanted and there's no religion dispute...and you will have a story for your grandchildren about the college years and Nudist Jack...but that's only if I HAD to choose...

just throwing that out there...

peachy said...

Dude, why does all this shit happen to you? I wish some psycho named Jack emailed me about nudity too. Okay, that was a lie. Come online and tell me where you're going!

Frank said...

Finally, someone who feels the same about nudity as me! I'd walk around naked all the time if it were socially acceptable...although I think my roommate would have a thing or two to say about that.

I can, like, mail you some quarters if you want...it's not 11,000, but it might help :)

jaak said...

Why don't you just stay at home?

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

RB:

But dude....I don't want to wake up in the morning and have to his (literally) hairy ass and his dick just like....hanging there. It's okay if he's my bf but if he's not...I don't want to live with a naked dude... =S

Peachy:

This shit happens to me cause I go on Craiglist. That's why. I will mail you lah. I damn malas wanna MSN or Facebook these days.

Frank:

Maybe you could ask your roommate to be naked with you too. It'll be like a nudist colony, but only the 2 of you =P

Jaak:

Cause....I can't. My home is in Malaysia. Not Aussie.

faye said...

Oh CD....this is some hilarious shit...but but I'm not laughing at your predicament. Just your letters :P

I use craiglist all the time too, and yes have met some strange ones.

I really really hope you will find a place soon, if not, pack your bags and move to Montana with me and feast your eyes on some hot smokejumper firemen!!!!

Fieran said...

Hey CD. Most universities have a student support service center that has a website for searching up off-uni accommodation. Students who are looking for room mates go there and find places. For example, my former university, UQ, had this:
http://www.accommodation.uq.edu.au/index.html?page=963

.. your uni should have something like this too. Btw, worse comes to worse, e-mail me. I will see what I can do. I have a few friends scattered around Australia. I can try to help.

Fieran.

winda said...

lol, cd, this is very funny!!!
i never know about craiglist and yes, i go through the 'best-of' list and OMG! dang funny!!!

anyway nice to know you're just being overtly emo on the last post. I thought something bad happen.

and oh, i too, still talk to my stuffed doll. And though i dont hug trees (literally), i named quite a few of them that i 'met' on my journey from house to highschool. And yes, i cry a little whenever some govt official cut them down. Do i sound like a craiglist candidate? God, no!

Hope you find some really cheap, cool place!

Michelle said...

Okay TCDO, I am now panicking with you. Definitely stay away from the crazy missionary guy, ick, overly zealous religious types make me very antsy and agitated. I just shivered thinking about it. I am sending good vibes your way and hope you don't have to deal with anymore religious freaks or vegans. The nudist guy seemed nice enough but I don't know that I'd want to see hairy ass all the time. Good luck!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Faye:

Woman! Stop teasing me! Stop teasing me with your firemen!!! Wah damn regret lah tak join you in Montana. Or it would have been a different fireman every night of the week ;-p

Ahem.

Fieran:

Wow. I truly appreciate the gesture. However, I already found something and not through Craiglist. I just wanna talk bout crazy people in this post first ...and then get real on the next one. =p

But thank you. I really appreciate it.

Winda:

Hahaha!! You named trees?! I named cars! Hahahaha! God, we are quite alike you know =D

Michelle:

Yes, other then the nudity thing he comes across....well not exactly fucking insane right? But again....I don't want to come home from a long day in class and have to see his hairy ass. That's just naaaasty.

JD Cole said...

and i tot my life is more dramatic than yours~

it seems that we're even!!

p/s: i'd prefer to stay with the nudist ;P

Zikri said...

i'd stay with the nudist. Being nekid isnt that bad

Cheryl said...

I'd live with the Vegans.
And then I'd slaughter a cow and bring it into their home.

sab said...

overly religious people scare me as well. but of all the 3 i'd prolly go with the first one (that is if i'm desperate) i hope you find a new house soon! maybe you could find roommates?

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

JD Cole:

Oh huney, stop kidding yourself. Your life doesn't even come close to being as dramatic as mine. And I don't want to live with the nudist. He probably got back hair.....eeewww.....

Zikri:

Wanna be nekkid together?

...
...
...
...
...

Thought so.

Cheryl:

Oouuuuu. Good plan. I am impressed.

Sab:

Oh, I did found some things. But that's for the next post. And not through the fuckery that is Craiglist.

Anonymous said...

have u tried gumtree?

http://melbourne.gumtree.com.au/

been a silent reader (if you want to call it that) for quite a while. you're funny

Zikri said...

I have cooked naked before, so.. yeah I don't really mind that much lol

joshua said...

lol and I only knew about the efficacy of craiglist for the naughty stuff. LOL

so are you really considering any of the craiglist peeps?

I can't help much with the ka-ching, but hmm you want some periodical parcels of Ayam Brand's canned curry tuna or rendang ayam? That I can do, darls...

Medie007 said...

whoaaaaaa.... didn't know doing meds in aussie could be so troublesome. had loads of them in the batch over in aussie and nz. wait.. i think most of them are in nz. but the ones in aus, i dun think they complained. wait... i never asked... but yea, the one i asked, his family moved over. so there's no big deal about accomodation.

anyways, keep being crazy! but i hope u found ur peace. all the best!!!

ps: yes, am doing clinicals in ampuan rahimah.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Anon:

.....Wow....you're the nicest "Anon" I ever had. All the rest just wanna call me fat OR tell me to fuck off OR tell me that I am going to burn in hell. None actually wanted to help.

Excuse me while I take a moment to get over the shock.

Okay moment gone. I did not use that though I did went to check it out. I'm currently using. flatmates.com.au, au.easyroommates.com, and realestate.au.com. Yeah 3 of them and getting headaches.

But thank you for your help. Appreciate it.

Zikri:

Duuuude...mental image. =S

Joshie:

No dude. People on Craiglist are kinds scary. The nudist guy sounds okay....but I dunno if I can deal looking at him hanging out after a long day in class.

Agent 007:

Yeah kan. The Aussies are totally screwing with me. Oh I know ppl in TAR as well. Just interns lah. But before you.

Ania said...

God I have a confession to make. I totally check out the CL Missed Connections thing. Not because I think anyone who saw me cares enough to post (okay maybe it'd be a little ego boost) but because there are some fucking psychos out there! Good luck finding a room. You should try to find a firefighter to live with! Sexy body and a sexy accent? Perfection.

Melissa said...

><

I'm speechless...






Fuck that craiglist. It's utter bullshit. It's pure insanity. *shudders* And call you sis, ASAP!

cheesecakeerian said...

Ok.. I didn't read your whole post.. But I paid bout RM22k for 9 months accomodation.. I think it's pretty normal la.. the rates..kan?

evie said...

Dude... how do these things happen to you? I hope you've had better luck since this post. In the meantime, I've nominated you for an award. Sure an award doesn't give you a home but it sure is pretty!

Yunus Izam said...

All I can say is, go ahead - book any of the 3 choices you have.

Uni is not only about education, it's about living the life and meeting all kinds of weirdos.

Getting a whacko for a roomie is a good start. You'll find that an experience with the insane helps keep you sane. Not only that, you'll get plenty of stories/adventures to tell that I hope one day you'll write in this blog :)

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Ania:

Oouuuu, fireman as a roommate? Ummm how about bedmate as well? ;-p

Melissa:

That's how you feel! Imagine how I feel? =S

Cheesecakeerian:

Dude....I found cheaper stuff off-campus. Yeah....

Evie:

Ouuuu purdy! Thanks Evie! =D

Yunus:

Thank you for the advice, I truly appreciate it. And for sure, expect more fuckery coming on this blog in the 2 years to come. Should be interesting....=P

Brandy Rose said...

Religious ppl scare me too. I once saw a bumper sticker that said "God, save me from your followers" and laughed out loud...apparently for no reason to the other passengers in the car...