Disclaimer: The following post was written while the Constantly Dramatic One was completely drugged out on flu/fever medication. It might or might not make sense to you. I wouldn’t know. It however made total and complete sense to me seeing that I was and still is, trippin all over the place.
I have this story on how my car acted up yesterday and that the alarm won’t stop going on and on so I had to send it to the mechanics and had to stay there for 3 hours waiting for it to get done and how like this big motherfucking rat came out of the gutters and ran right by my feet, and then I jumped and screamed like a banshee which all the dirty mechanics thought was hilarious so they laughed at me and then the chief mechanic told me to that there’s something wrong with my car’s alarm system (well no shit Sherlock, it’s been goin on and on right?) and that I have to change it. So I say changed it and that’s why I was at the mechanic’s for 3 hours amidst all the dirty cars, dusty accessories, polluted air and rat infested gutters. What the mechanic forgot to tell me was that the new alarm is like some fancy shmancy thingie where a robotic female’s voice would go “Arm” or “Disarm” as to remind you to lock the car.
So I got home at 7ish in the evening and then I parked my car and before I got the chance to lock the car, the female’s voice came on and I freaked out cause I thought there was a Pontianak hiding under the car and talking to me so I ran like a bitch and then I realized that pontianaks don’t hide under cars so maybe my car might be a transformer instead, like in the movie you know. So I went back to my car, but I did not take a peek at the undercarriage in case there was a pontinak hanging out there…then the female’s voice came on again and I thought “Cool, my car’s a female transformer. I will call her ‘Bianca’.” Belatedly, did I realise that it was just the alarm and I felt really stupid. And also my New Year’s resolution of NOT DOING STUPID SHIT has gone out of the window thanks to the Pontianak/transformers episode.
As I walked towards my house, my nosy neighbour called me cause she saw me running away from the car and she wanna know why I did that. Nosy bitch. I can’t actually tell her that I thought my car was a transformer, can I? So I told her that I’m on this new fitness plan where you don’t workout for a long time but what you do is you suddenly sprint or jog on the spot really really fast, multiple times a day and then you can lose weight and build stamina. She looked unconvinced so I told her it’s totally the in thing now in
Then last night I got really sick, I started coughing and sneezing and I think it’s cause I was at the mechanic’s for 3 hours and that place was filthy. When I look at the tissue I realise that there is blood when I blow my nose and I got really scared cause now I think I’m gonna die. Like, seriously, blood on the tissue. I’m scared cause I know I’m going to Hell cause I barely pray and curse like a drunk sailor therefore in conclusion God hates me and will send me to Hell. So I took some flu pills and decided that if I’m drowsy enough from all the pills maybe I could die peacefully in my sleep. As I was drifting off I realise that I don’t want to die without letting people know that I love them. So I called my sister and told her that I am going to die cause there’s blood when I blow my nose and I have fever but before I go, I want her to know that I love her. But she didn’t hear all that cause she was at the market place buying fish and I thought how ironic that I’m going to die in my sleep, with blood coming out of my nose and Clive would never get the chance to fall madly in love with me and the one person whose supposed to be in contact with me before I leave this realm of mortality can’t even hear my parting words cause she wanna buy a damn fish.
So I said again “I’m going to die.” Then she asked “Oh, what colour?” And then I said “Die not dye” and she said “Okay. What colour?” Then I gave up and tell her that I love her and then she said “I love you too, but make sure you don’t dye blond ya? Blond sucks with our skin colour.” And I dunno how that tip would be helpful in Hell but okay, I take whatever I can get. Then before I hung up she asked me
“Have it arrived yet?”
“What have arrived?”
“The Gucci bag.”
“I got you a Gucci bag, from the Christmas sale here. It was like 50% off and it’s like last season’s but it is a Gucci and it’s pink and really cute and you would really like it. It’s totally you.”
“Okay let me know when you get it ya? I love you babe. I have to go now.”
I’m still coughing, sneezing blood and feverish but I think it would really suck to die now cause apparently I have a last-season-50%-off-Gucci-bag on the way to me. I’m gonna put off death for a while till I get the bag and then only could I die happy.
Also, I love Ghendut.