Of things that are pissing me off during the finals: Part 3

Listen you worthless piece of shit, I do not know which country you are from but I’m from Malaysia. And in this country, most of us drive like fiends from Hell. So riddle me this asswipe, why the hell are you driving like a pussy when you’re in the fast lane? Seriously.


I understand that there is a speed limit. Yes I know, 110km/j on the fucking highway. But here’s the deal, everyone who drives on the fastlane, none of us abide by that. None of us. Personally the slowest I ever been- when the fucking road is relatively empty- is 160km/j. So again, why in the fucking blue hell is your slow ass on the fastlane? My car is red in colour bitch. When my Dad bought it for me, it says there “Extreme red”. Don’t tell me your eyes can’t see my “extreme red” car from miles away going 180? Can’t you move your ass fast enough for me to get through? If you really feel like you need to drive like a fucking pussy, then please direct your slow ass to the slow lane. Not the fast lane.



I have an exam to get too. Now the fact that my paper starts at 4pm and I left my house at 3.30pm when I live about 40km away from college is a non-issue. What is an issue here is that your drive like a pussy. People have places to get too, things to meet, people to do…or did I get that wrong…but the fact that mattered is, your pussy driving is in the way. If you can’t locate the fucking acceleration pedal in your motherfucking car why in the fucking blue hell are you on the fast lane?



Now, see I don’t like tailgating people. I heard in the radio they say that that shit is actually road bullying. And bullying is not cool under any circumstance. But when you are going what, 90km/j on the motherfucking fast lane and not moving your ass fast enough for me get through, it pisses me off. And on the road, I get piss off really fast. I’m sorry if I scared you when I tailgated your ass for maybe 12kms even when you’ve already switched lane. You fucking deserve it. If your ass have no bizniz on the fastlane, then don’t get on it on the first place.



Thanks to your pussy driving, I was 5 mins late for my paper. If I ever see you on the road again- I will end you bitch.


***

Whenever a guy hits on me, I make sure that I am always pleasant and never rude. I understand that it takes a lot of guts for a guy to come up and talk to a chick. Especially ones that have a default-bitch-face like mine. I can never go up to a guy and ask him out because I do not have the balls for it. Literally and figuratively speaking. So when a guy hits on me, I try to make it pleasant for the both of us but will still definitely drive the point home that: “Yes, I am single” but “No, I am not available.”

It gets to me when these dudes just do not fucking get it. Hey asshole, just because I was pleasant to you doesn’t mean I want to suck your dick tonight mmmkay? It just means that I am considerate. Just because I do not tell you to fuck off and die doesn’t mean you should pressure me for my fucking phone number. I do not want to give it to you. You are an asshole. Harassing me will not make me fall madly and deeply in love with you.




Thank you so much for the douchebaggery you inflicted on me. I now have lost all faith in men and will now join the Carpet Munchers team.

***

I have disabled my “Add as Friend” button on Facebook. I cannot fucking take it anymore. I cannot take it when college freshmen and juniors hit me up over FB just randomly wants to add me as friend. Listen, some people who live in the virtual world, yeah those people who wants “popularity”, yeah those bitches are the ones with 100, 000++ friends. I am not those people. I only add people whom I know and like. The people I add are actually, shockingly, my friends. People I actually have some contact with, have a decent conversation with.


Me telling you to shut the fuck up in class because I was trying to sleep does not make a proper conversation. Me telling you to get out of my way, do not make us friends. We sharing one class, when I don’t even notice that we were in fact- sharing a class - does not make us friends. Stop trying to add me. I will not be part of your quest to achieve online immortality.



I now have disabled my “Add as Friend” button. I also deleted 77 people off my FB, ones that I have been arsed into adding. If you’re not my friend, or frenemy, I have no interest whatsoever in getting up to date with your life.

Now, step away from the computer and go live your life in the real world.

***

Also, can someone explains what fuckkery is this?




It keeps on popping out now and then. Pissing me off. Why is it doing that though?




Footnotes:

For part 1 of things that are pissing me off during the finals: click this.

For part 2: click this.

That car was a ninja and it totally did ambushed me.....

I was involved in an accident last week. A vehicular accident. Actually "accident" is such a big word. It was more like....there was this car. And I uhhhh..kinda.....hit it. The worst part of it was that the car was stationary. How fucking sad is that? I drove into a stationary car and calling it a vehicular accident? Really, honestly. It is not my fucking fault okay. That car was a bitch.





It was around 8ish in the morning and I was leaving for class. I parked my car round the corner from my house on this abandon piece of land. That land can fit up to 3 cars and since we live near that spot, it is very convenient for me to park my car there. There was this other car that always park behind my car. Not exactly behind my car but damn near that whenever he parked his car behind mine, it is damn difficult to just reverse out. In fact I have to do that annoying go forward, reverse a bit, turn a bit, and then repeat 3 times before I can get out of the spot. Bastard.





So that morning I was more than a little bit preoccupied. I have Spanish quiz at 10am and basically my head was filled with Spanish verbs and future/past tenses. I barely acknowledged that car as I walked past it. I got in my car, put the gear into reverse, looked into the rear view mirror, smiled smugly at my perfectly groomed eyebrows, backed the car out and BANG!! All my smugness and my Spanish verbs went out of the window.





I remember screaming "Where the fuck did that car come from?!!" I got out of my car and there was this huge motherfucking dent at the backdoor of the car. Thankfully mine was all okay except for some paint transfer.








The first thought that came to my mind was "Oh fuck."


The second was "Oh fuck."


The third was "Run bitch! Run while you can!"








But alas by the time I could do anything my mom was already out the house. She looked at the car then she looked me standing there between my car and the victimized car then she looked at me straight in the eyes...... I mean fuck this happened near my house okay. If it happened like I dunno somewhere else, like 3897 meters away from my house I can just tell my mom "OMG Mom, it is soooo totally not my fault. Like I was driving according to the speed limit -being the law abiding citizen I am- then all of a sudden this raccoon jumped out of nowhere. I swear to God, a raccoon! On Federal Highway. I think it was nesting on one of the billboard...and I think it was rabid too....but it jumped on my car. It landed on my windshield and I screamed. I was so shocked that I lost control of my car but at the same time there was this parked car by the roadside...yes Mom a parked car on Federal Highway, I'm not making this up and I hit into that car. But don't worry that car is only dented. And I managed to deliver that raccoon to the nearest vet for psychiatrist evaluation. Poor baby. So you see Mom, it is totally not my fault. It's the raccoon's but we shouldn't blame it seeing that it's insane....." But of course I can't say that. Shit son...she saw the whole thing.





"And you expect me to let you drive my car?"


Wow, sarcasm is not appreciated at moments of life and death like this, okay Mom?





"How did you managed to drive into this car? It wasn't moving."


"It wasn't my fault! I did not see it there!"


"Constant Drama* (insert full name), it is a car. A car. A huge car. It is not a toy car....Do we need to get new prescription for your glasses?"


"The sarcasm is really not appreciated at times like this. This stupid car should not be parking so near to me. It's not my fault........."


*dirty looks* "Constant Drama, you backed your car into a parked car. As in the car is not moving. Nooooottt moooooooving. How is that not your fault?"





I learned at a young age that upon fucking up big time, one must keep one's mouth shut so that's what I did.





"You have a quiz today? Go to class. I'll deal with this. And your father will know about this too."





Fuck.





I'm telling you, I was on the verge of dying of a heart attack that whole day in college. All I could think was how my Dad was gonna kick my ass. Figuratively speaking of course. Wah, it was damn scary. It was like being an inmate on death row. Then I decided that instead of running away from my problems, I should confront it....so I called my Dad. I was all matured and shit.








"Dad.... I wanna talk to you about what happened this morning."


"I'm busy. We talk about it when I come home."


Then he hung up. On me. His last born!! I'm telling you...the inmates on death row got it easy compared to me. When he got home, we did have a talk about it. Actually....it was more of him yelling and me keeping quite and trying to shrink into a corner. However this is impossible seeing that my fat ass cannot fit into any corners.



"Ayah...Adik serious tak nampak kereta tu kat situ."

*Dad, I seriously did not saw that car there.



"Oh kau kena ambush lah ni? Apa keter tu macam ninja? Ambush ko dari belakang?"

*Oh so you were ambushed? Was that car a ninja? Did it ambush you from the back?


No, seriously. He said "ninja". I swear, one day when my parents are not at home I am gonna fake a burglary in my house. Disarm the alarm system, brake the windows, thrashed the whole place to make it look like a burglary and the only thing be missing is his damn ninja movies collection. Especially the Akira Kurosawa samurai movies. And if the cops asked how come the burglars didn't steal the plasma TV or the laptop or whatever I'm gonna say...."Well perhaps the burglars were ninjas and they don't want mere mortals, such as my father, to learn their secret ways." In any event, his ninja movies collection have got to go.


And then there were more yelling, numerous versions of his monologue of "money don't grow on trees" and then "you been driving for 3 years now, you should know better"- maybe 4 versions of that ending with my Dad taking away my car keys. That's right. He took my car keys.






Oh my heart! My heart cannot take it!


With that I conclude this story on a sad note. Friends, comrades, bitches: I will not be able to hang out with you guys cause my Dad is PMSing and took away my car keys therefore I ain't got no wheels. I can hang out with you if the place in which you want to hang out is within walking distance from my house. Like the mamak round the corner. Or if you are able to drop me off at the train station so I can get home. If this is not possible then you have to deal with the fact that I cannot grace your life with my presence. I know....I know what a bleak and sad existence your life would be, to be without me....I know it is going to be difficult for you. But you have to be strong okay? Be strong.



Ahem.



I ain't got no wheels and it sucks donkey balls.

This is not over you filthy Pizza Hut bastards!!!

Dude, I totally threw a bitch fit at Pizza Hut just now. Well not really a bitch fit....more like a righteous tirade. A really pissed off and loud righteous tirade. Which by the way……. totally scared the crap out of Farid.








Okay let me run this scene by you and see if you don't get pissed off too. You are with your good friend having a late lunch at Pizza Hut, which by the way you have indignantly championed from all your friends saying that Pizza Hut's pizza totally taste much better then Domino's. Okay so you are sitting there, munching on your second piece of personal pan pizza, discussing current events, resident college bitches and the perpetual never ending topic: the size of your ass when all of a sudden - a fucking cockroach appeared from the underside of the table, crawled all over the table near your plate that contained your damn food and then disappeared to the underside of the table again. Here's a multi choice answer:





a) Scream, push your chair back and then fall on your ass.


b) Stare at the cockroach in utter disbelief but do nothing.


c) Stare at the cockroach in utter disbelief, make your guy friend capture it by using a tissue, and then make a waiter call the manager so that you can give the manager a piece of your mind.








I picked option C.








Unlike most of the female population, the Constantly Dramatic One is not afraid of cockroaches. I am however, is shit scared of cicak. Cicaks are fucking creepy okay. But I do know that cockroaches are filthy and they bring on diseases. And I just ate from a table that as it turns out, the oh-so-accommodating pit stop of a cockroach. Holy Mother of all that is Pure and True, if I could have open a can of whoop ass on someone right there and then, I totally would. The manager came to me with an attitude. She was all gangsta when she looked at me and asked "Yes?".......Bitch, you do not throw fuel to the fire. Bad move bitch, bad move.








"I just found a cockroach on the table here. Where I am eating. A cockroach! What kind of establishment are you running here when people come here to eat and you serve cockroaches along with the food?"





"Ohhh we just had pest control last Friday.............."








"It doesn’t matter whether or not you had pest control last Friday or yesterday or the month before this. That is a non-issue. What is an issue here is that while I am eating here I found a cockroach crawling around next to my plate. *Lipas tau tak? Lipas. Atas meja.* Do you expect me to sit here and eat your food still?"

*A cockroach you know? A cockroach. On the table.








"Oh we always have a cockroach problem. *But sekarang dah less dah.....*"
*But now it have lessen....*







"Oh is that supposed to make me feel better? Is the fact that last time you had more cockroaches attacking your customers and now you only have one is a victory? Am I supposed to rejoice at that? Seriously, what kind of show are you running here? *Ini kat depan dah ada lipas. Kalau I pergi to your kitchen, what will I find there? Perkampungan lipas dan tikus?* Is that the cleanliness level of your establishment? Eh when I come here I expect a certain level of professionalism and cleanliness. **Kalau I nak makan kat tempat kotor-kotor I pergi makan kat mamak tepi jalan tu. Kereta lalu-lalu, berhabuk sana sini tapi tak per.** Cause that's how much I pay for it. Here I come and I pay your service tax and all that and this is the bullshit I have to deal with?"

*If you have cockroaches at the front of your restaurant, then what do you have in your kitchen? A mini city for cockroaches and rats?*

**If I want to eat at a dirty place, I go to a mamak by the roadside. The food will be all dusty but it's okay because that is what expected of mamak and that is how much I pay for it.**

By this time she looked like she was on the verge of crying. I feel kinda bad but no matter how bad I felt it doesn’t change the fact there was a disease carrying cockroach near my food. Shit son, what if I have rabies now?








"What happens now if I get sick from eating your food? If my friend gets sick? Who is going to foot the bill for our medical fees? You? Your pest control people?"








She just kept quite. On hindsight, what else can she do? I wasn’t screaming but I spoke loudly. I made sure that the whole restaurant can hear the fact that there was a cockroach on my table. Near my fucking food. I am still so pissed off.








"So what are you going to do now?"








"Well what do you want?"








"I do not want to pay for any of these, I will not pay for my food and neither will my friend. When we came in we expected to eat pizza, not some cockroach infested tasty treat. Also do you have a business card? I want your business card if not you write out your name and give it to me. If you think you can serve people food in this kind of place where cockroaches live happily ever after then you are wrong. I am going to report about this. This is not over."








"Miss, building ni memang ada banyak lipas."
*Miss, this building is infested with cockroaches.*







"That's not an issue. *I pergi makan kat Subway like 3 doors away and takder pun lipas. I pergi minum kat Starbucks, takde pun lipas. I pergi makan kat Ali Maju, mamak tau mamak, takder pun I kena attack dengan lipas. So don't blame the building for your shortcomings. Ni tempat makan, bukan printers suratkhabar.*"
*I didn't find any cockroaches when I go to eat at Subway which is 3 doors down from here. I don't see any cockroaches when I have a drink in Starbucks. When I go to Ali Maju, which is a mamak establishment, I don't get attacked by cockroaches. So don't blame the building for your shortcomings. This is a restaurant, not a printers.*







I wanted to go on and on but Farid was staring at me from across the table looking on the verge of crapping his pants. (No dude, you did.) So I just stood up and left. I think if stayed longer I would have cut a bitch. Seriously. Fucker!!! What if I have rabies now? Do cockroaches carry rabies? Fuck. What do they carry? I should Google this up. What if Farid and I are infected with it? Whatever it is that they are carrying? What if the disease is spread by saliva? Like rabies? What if everyone we kiss and share a drink with is infected? And those people will infect other people and other people and other people...... In like a week or less there could be an outbreak of cockroach-something disease all over KL!! In a month- the world!








It'll be like the fucking Mad Cow disease all over again. But it'll be worst cause when this story hit the news, the news anchors are going to go "The original deadly disease carriers have been traced and that trail goes back to Malaysia. We have been notified that the original carriers were Farid.A and the Constantly Dramatic One, who ate at a cockroach infested Pizza Hut establishment. Sad to say however that these two individuals who were the original carriers of this deadly disease are already deceased."








WTF?!! I don’t want to be remembered as a plague-carrying-originator. This is not fair!! When I die, people should remember me as the object of Clive Owen's desire. They should remember me for my ass the size of galaxy. They should remember me for my superior bitching skillz. But most of all they should remember me for the ossumness that I am. Not as the cause of a plague bitches!








This is bullshit.








I will lodge a complaint at the Consumer Rights and Health Ministry or whatever. I need to find where exactly I can complain at. And when I do, I will cc. that to The Star, Utusan Melayu and all other newspapers. Take that you filthy Pizza Hut bastards! Take that. If I am going down as the original carrier of a plague-later-to-be-named then I am taking you down with me you filthy Pizza Hut bastards! I am not going down without a fight.








......Damn, I totally need to go to the family GP tomorrow. I need to check if I have rabies. Or whatever it is that will make me go down in medical books as the cause of a plague that wipe out a shitload of people.


Damn Pizza Hut bastards.

An open letter to my fellow Malaysians....

Dear Malaysian,







Listen, I need to talk to you guys. First of all, hello. How are you? Have you had your dinner yet? How's the family? Good? Oh good then. I'm glad that every thing's going great for you guys. Me? Oh I'm swell. Well as swell as I can get anyways.....given the fact that I'm buried under shitload of assignments these days. But such is a student's life.







Right, where was I? Oh have I ever mentioned that I like being Malaysian? I dunno bout you guys, but by God I do indeed love it. I love being in such a multicultural environment in which we either love each other or we tolerate each other's differences, and then we bitch about it behind each other's back. I love our "Malaysian time". Yes, it gives way to being tardy. Not that it's a good thing mind you, but sometimes you just gotta be tardy. And oh the happiness and joy that we derive from our foods collectively. Our nasi lemak, our rendang, our ketupat. Oh the joy we get from stuffing those into our mouths.....indescribable. Outsiders will never understand our fascination with our nasi lemak and rendang but it doesn't matter. We Malaysians have found a spot of heaven, and it's on that plate of nasi lemak. I find it fascinating how we all can sit at the mamak hours on end ordering teh tariks, one after the other and talking shit bout the government but yet doing nothing bout it. Other than giving our esteemed favourite mamak more money for our never ending craving for teh tariks. Yes, yes, I do indeed love being Malaysian. And I love you too, fellow Malaysians.







But amidst all this love and camaraderie I just need to iron out a problem I'm having with you guys. I mean, it's kinda a biggie. I do hope it's not offensive but I just need to ask this: Why the fuck are you guys so fucking nosy? Honest to God? Whhhhyyy?!!!











I'm talking about this insatiable need to be nosy assholes on the road. Why is it that every time there is a fucking accident on the motherfucking road, you people found the need to slow the fuck down so that you can all nosily, drive your car sllooooooooooowwwwwlllly by the accident scene so that you'll can see what's goin on? Why is there a need to be this fucking nosy? I mean, you fuckers, I was stuck for 2 fucking hours today on the fucking highway just because some truck overturned.





A truck overturned. It just fucking overturned.





Nothing else happened. The driver did not die, nobody was injured and oh nothing blew up. It just fucking overturned. If Miss Universe was parading naked in the middle of the street and you people found the need to slow the fuck down, fine, I get it. If there was somehow a mortal combat between Optimus Prime and Superman going on the fucking highway and you people found the need to slow the fuck down, fine, I get it. I fucking get it. But this is just a fucking overturned truck!!!! What kind of bleak, shallow, existence do you bitches live that the sight of an overturned truck would excite you so much that you found the need to slow the fuck down hence causing a bigass traffic jam, getting me stuck in it for 2 whole hours?







And no bitches, it did not help that I needed to pee really badly and it was pouring outside. Yes, it was cold. It was freezing in my car even without the AC on. I fucking needed to pee. I mean, it's not like I'm a guy okay. I don't have a penis. If I have one, I would have whip "little CD" out and pee in a bottle. But I don't have a "little CD". I cannot fucking pee in a bottle. I can't deny that at one point that I really did think of leaving my car and go in search for a bush or something. I'll be like "Hey y'all! Listen up, I'm just gonna leave my car here and go to that bush over there and do my thang okay. I mean it's not like you guys are going anywhere anyways.". It was tempting. I can assure you that.








Dante wrote that the final circle of hell is when you are buried in the icy grave of your own tears. Clearly, Dante have never been stuck in a traffic jam for 2 fucking hours with a full bladder.








Also, assholes.......uuuhhh...... I mean Malaysians, we are back to the nosy issue here. Listen, what I do within the vicinity of my car is none of your concern. So what if I like to blast Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away"........and then pretend to be Kelly Clarkson in my car? Albeit, a more ossum version of her. Huh? What if I like to do that? It keeps me zen. It keeps me from going crazy. It keeps me from running out from my car like a crazy bitch to find the nearest bush. Let me be. In my car, I am Kelly Clarkson. Also fuckface in the white Honda Jazz next to me, I saw you taking a video of me while I am in my intense rendition of "Since You've Been Gone". I saw you fuckface, eventhough you tried hiding your phone from me.





I. Saw. You.





I got your car plate number. If I find out that there is a video of me, doing my batshit crazy rendition of "Since You've Been Gone", in my car, on the net, I will track you down like the dog that you are. I will kidnap each one of your family, and then feed them to crocodiles while you watch. I will tape your eyelids open (a'la A Clockwork Orange), so that you cannot not look as your 76 year old grandma is being eaten alive by a particularly famished crocodile. I will not end you bitch, no, I will smash both of your kneecaps and your knuckles with a sledgehammer, Vegas style, and let your crawl away to your worthless freedom. Go on, live your life with the excruciating pain of broken kneecaps and knuckles and the memory of your whole family being eaten alive by crocodiles. That will teach you for videotaping me when I'm pulling a Kelly Clarkson in my car.

I'm onto you, white-Honda Jazz-fuckface. I'm onto you.

So yes, that is all. I hope you, my fellow Malaysians have a lovely rest of the evening. I do adore you and value your companionship........ when you are not being nosy fuckers that is. Except for that one Malaysian guy. The one who videotaped me. Yeah, this is a little advice from me to you: Ship your whole family to Mongolia, while you still have the chance to do it.








hugs, kisses, your fellow Malaysian,


the Constantly Dramatic One