Tuesday, October 21, 2008

An open letter to my fellow Malaysians....

Dear Malaysian,

Listen, I need to talk to you guys. First of all, hello. How are you? Have you had your dinner yet? How's the family? Good? Oh good then. I'm glad that every thing's going great for you guys. Me? Oh I'm swell. Well as swell as I can get anyways.....given the fact that I'm buried under shitload of assignments these days. But such is a student's life.

Right, where was I? Oh have I ever mentioned that I like being Malaysian? I dunno bout you guys, but by God I do indeed love it. I love being in such a multicultural environment in which we either love each other or we tolerate each other's differences, and then we bitch about it behind each other's back. I love our
"Malaysian time". Yes, it gives way to being tardy. Not that it's a good thing mind you, but sometimes you just gotta be tardy. And oh the happiness and joy that we derive from our foods collectively. Our nasi lemak, our rendang, our ketupat. Oh the joy we get from stuffing those into our mouths.....indescribable. Outsiders will never understand our fascination with our nasi lemak and rendang but it doesn't matter. We Malaysians have found a spot of heaven, and it's on that plate of nasi lemak. I find it fascinating how we all can sit at the mamak hours on end ordering teh tariks, one after the other and talking shit bout the government but yet doing nothing bout it. Other than giving our esteemed favourite mamak more money for our never ending craving for teh tariks. Yes, yes, I do indeed love being Malaysian. And I love you too, fellow Malaysians.

But amidst all this love and camaraderie I just need to iron out a problem I'm having with you guys. I mean, it's kinda a biggie. I do hope it's not offensive but I just need to ask this: Why the fuck are you guys so fucking nosy? Honest to God? Whhhhyyy?!!!

I'm talking about this insatiable need to be nosy assholes on the road. Why is it that every time there is a fucking accident on the motherfucking road, you people found the need to slow the fuck down so that you can all nosily, drive your car sllooooooooooowwwwwlllly by the accident scene so that you'll can see what's goin on? Why is there a need to be this fucking nosy? I mean, you fuckers, I was stuck for 2 fucking hours today on the fucking highway just because some truck overturned.

A truck overturned. It just fucking overturned.

Nothing else happened. The driver did not die, nobody was injured and oh nothing blew up. It just fucking overturned. If Miss Universe was parading naked in the middle of the street and you people found the need to slow the fuck down, fine, I get it. If there was somehow a mortal combat between Optimus Prime and Superman going on the fucking highway and you people found the need to slow the fuck down, fine, I get it. I fucking get it. But this is just a fucking overturned truck!!!! What kind of bleak, shallow, existence do you bitches live that the sight of an overturned truck would excite you so much that you found the need to slow the fuck down hence causing a bigass traffic jam, getting me stuck in it for 2 whole hours?

And no bitches, it did not help that I needed to pee really badly and it was pouring outside. Yes, it was cold. It was freezing in my car even without the AC on. I fucking needed to pee. I mean, it's not like I'm a guy okay. I don't have a penis. If I have one, I would have whip "little CD" out and pee in a bottle. But I don't have a "little CD". I cannot fucking pee in a bottle. I can't deny that at one point that I really did think of leaving my car and go in search for a bush or something. I'll be like "Hey y'all! Listen up, I'm just gonna leave my car here and go to that bush over there and do my thang okay. I mean it's not like you guys are going anywhere anyways.". It was tempting. I can assure you that.

Dante wrote that the final circle of hell is when you are buried in the icy grave of your own tears. Clearly, Dante have never been stuck in a traffic jam for 2 fucking hours with a full bladder.

Also, assholes.......uuuhhh...... I mean Malaysians, we are back to the nosy issue here. Listen, what I do within the vicinity of my car is none of your concern. So what if I like to blast Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away"........and then pretend to be Kelly Clarkson in my car? Albeit, a more ossum version of her. Huh? What if I like to do that? It keeps me zen. It keeps me from going crazy. It keeps me from running out from my car like a crazy bitch to find the nearest bush. Let me be. In my car, I am Kelly Clarkson. Also fuckface in the white Honda Jazz next to me, I saw you taking a video of me while I am in my intense rendition of "Since You've Been Gone". I saw you fuckface, eventhough you tried hiding your phone from me.

I. Saw. You.

I got your car plate number. If I find out that there is a video of me, doing my batshit crazy rendition of "Since You've Been Gone", in my car, on the net, I will track you down like the dog that you are. I will kidnap each one of your family, and then feed them to crocodiles while you watch. I will tape your eyelids open (a'la
A Clockwork Orange), so that you cannot not look as your 76 year old grandma is being eaten alive by a particularly famished crocodile. I will not end you bitch, no, I will smash both of your kneecaps and your knuckles with a sledgehammer, Vegas style, and let your crawl away to your worthless freedom. Go on, live your life with the excruciating pain of broken kneecaps and knuckles and the memory of your whole family being eaten alive by crocodiles. That will teach you for videotaping me when I'm pulling a Kelly Clarkson in my car.

I'm onto you, white-Honda Jazz-fuckface. I'm onto you.

So yes, that is all. I hope you, my fellow Malaysians have a lovely rest of the evening. I do adore you and value your companionship........ when you are not being nosy fuckers that is. Except for that one Malaysian guy. The one who videotaped me. Yeah, this is a little advice from me to you: Ship your whole family to Mongolia, while you still have the chance to do it.

hugs, kisses, your fellow Malaysian,

the Constantly Dramatic One


Technodoll said...

Somehow, shitty drivers have invaded every country, every city, every street.

Canada even features them on a TV show!


penyangak said...

haha. i'm one of those who thinks it's ridiculous that these people slow down and look. but since the guy infront of me is slowed down as shit looking, i will be like ahh fuck it i'll just look as well. can't fight it, join it.

evie said...

ooo... nasi lemak. now i'm hungry!

you better check youtube although how you'd searched for the video is another thing altogether. and you're right... clearly dante has never been stuck in malaysian traffic before. not that the traffic isn't worse in other countries, but the reason for the jam here ALWAYS gets to me. it's because these idiots were all being nosy!!!

senorita.. said...

wow...... i know that feeling. when u finally get home, rush to the toilet and..... heaven. right there. bliss, in the loo. :P

winda said...

whuahahahha..... cd, you're totally ossum!! Well, you know that already. But eeennniiiweeeiii.....

from all the food you mentioned, i have to disagree with teh tarik. Or prolly becos i never had a decent one here.

But teh tarik or not, i feel you, girl! Same thing happen here too, (note: i'm talking about the traffic-jam-for-sth-stupid and not the kelly clarkson act)

Tine said...

Oh my goodness, seriously? That person took a video of you?! That's some f**ked up fella, man :O

Zikri said...

Lemang > ketupat
Sports Toto Number > 2 hours stuck in traffic
Peeing in bottle = disgusting
perv recording stranger = balls of steel

Anonymous said...

i thought apa la this post was all about. hehehe.

and gouda! (again for you,haha) i feel you. it felt like shit having to tahan my pee in the car. and when I finally found a toilet nearby, my bladder almost burst to the point i almost peed in my pants! my wee wee tidak tahan nak melepas. hahhah..

and "little CD". hahaha...lol. now THAT made me laugh my arse off. lol.

and tht video...damn! god knows wht they can do with it. *shivers*

MisSmall said...

Spot on, gal! It's amusing how people drive by an accident scene so slowly just to stick their nosy heads outta the window, not to help but hoping to spot 4 digits for 4D maybe? Tsk tsk tsk.

Oh, shall I do a search on youtube "malaysian girl grooving to music in traffic jam'? lol

Peter Varvel said...

Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha! "Little CD" hee hee hee hee hee!
Same thing with the horrible Los Angeles traffic - I have always thought if you need to get revenge on someone, just get on the freeway before they do, especially if they have an important appointment, and then pull over to the side, pop open the hood/bonnet and stand there looking stupidly inside, and every single driver will slow down to look at you looking stupid.

Michelle said...

Listen, I didn't realize it, but the Midwest must be chock full of Malaysians! Every time there's an accident HERE, EVERYONE stops to check it out! Even when someone gets pulled over for speeding, everyone slows down and looks! It's gotta be the Malaysians....

Quin Browne said...

1. every car accident should have a great big movie screen above it, so we don't have to slow down.

2. penis envy is nothing more than our anger over them being able to pee anywhere at anytime.

3. i forgot 3.

4. i had more to say, but, i need to go search youtube...

Anonymous said...

okay, i just have to say this:


oh, and you're ossum. i nearly burst out laughing at work.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

unless there's some chic flashing her boobies, we should all move on.

Kuan said...

oh wow, i sure hope that fuckface did post up your rendition, then i could record you smashing his face, awesome :)

back to serious matter.....there are times, when malaysians slowing down to check out any crowds by the side of the road, i'm tempted to just turn my car towards that direction and smash into it, making the accident worst and cause a fury of fire and explosions. Now that would give everyone some hell of a show for slowing down :)

i know, i'm sick, report me bitch :p

Melissa said...

oooohhhh i couldn't agree more with you!!!! i have the unwanted privillige of dealing with this shitty crap every damned week on my way back home from kl. imagine getting stuck in a fucking traffic jam for hours just because someone, NO, ALOT OF SOMEONES can't quit being such inquisitive lil hedgehogs in the most annoying way ever just so they can braaaaggg about it later to their wives, kids, mommies, daddies, sisters, bros, uncles, aunties, cuzzies yadda yadda yadda.... and sometimes, it was just a tiny microscopic scratch on the bumper n they have to give a fuck about it??? sheeshhhhh i feel u cd, i TOTALLY feel u.

Tinta Sisyphus said...

Hok Nate Bewuk~ Jangan cabar ketuanan rakyat Malaysia!

(Hunus) Hiak

(Hunus) Hiak

(Hunus) Hooo

splat said...

i should get a better picture of you, cd... so the next time i'm in a highway i can recognize you straight away and throw aside my videocam presto... i love my grandma, you know...

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


I actually watched that show, in clips on youTube. God, those people are either dumb or just retarted.


I guess that's the mentality lah. And then I kena hold my pee in the car for 2 hours dammit! =S


But then you know....on 2nd thought.....Dante did have a penis. So I guess he could have done the whole pee-in-a-bottle thing. Therefore his "icy grave" theory still holds.


Of all places to find heaven right? =P

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


This traffic jam thing is global you know. Like a frickin plague.


I know man! That fuckface must have been bored lah. Fucker.


Oh sure.....side with him will ya. You ppl with penises are all the same. *dirty look*


Haha!! "wee wee"! You kept on making me laugh these days =D

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


Oh yes please. Cause I cannot find it.....But there is the chance that he didnt post it up. Just like show it to friends.

That fuckface.


OMG Peter! That is a seriously evil plan. I am soooo impressed with you. Hhhmm.....maybe I shall put this plan into action too one day if someone piss me off that bad.

Mwahahahaha!!! }=D


OMG!!! How did they get there!?! Damn Malaysians.



1) Agreed.
2) Agreed.
3) Uhhh......agreed?
4) Oh God.......

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


Thank you, thank you. I am here to entertain after all =)


Yes, see, why can't everyone be as sensible as you?


Holy crap Kuan! That's some fucked up shit. I did not know you had it in you.

I must say, I'm impressed. *pats Kuan on the back*

the Constantly Dramatic One said...


Yes!!! Exactly!!! Kalau macam ada yang mati ke, wounded ke, meletup ke memang lah dah satu hal kan. Tapi kan!!! Bumper calar pun nak buat big issue.

Buat angin satu badan jer.


Tak harus dicabar! Jangan dibiarkan naik kepala.

Hiak Hiak Hiyaaa!!


Hahaha, yeah one of these I shall put up a clearer picture so that you won't get confused.

I dont want to hurt your grandma too.....well, not if I don't need too.... }=p