Traffic jams and revelations.

Ever experienced a revelation that was soooooo unexpected that it was like getting smacked in the face real hard and then you actually get dizzy afterwards...... Ever experienced that? Yeah... I have a term for that: Fucked.

I got stuck in traffic on my way home today. It sucked. So things to do in traffic would be listening to the radio, followed by a karaoke session, followed by you wriggling around in the seat trying to do something that remotely looks like a dance, and of course will be followed by other bored drivers either staring, snickering or looking incredibly amused at you. Nothing new. Today I was too tired to do all that so as to not fall asleep I started recalling all the stuff that my friends do that makes me laugh. The conversations that makes no sense, the little jokes that came out of nowhere, the songs we made ours, the stupidity that never ends. I smiled and I laughed and I noticed I was thinking of the people in college and that's when it hits me. The revelation.

Fucked.

I meet a lot of people in my daily life. These people though I call them friends, but they are not really friends- as defined by my life dictionary. I define friends as people that I truly care for, people that I trust, people that I will turn to when I'm in trouble and sure that they will not turn their backs on me. I have very high expectations from a friend. Not many people make my cut.

I went to high school for 5 years. Parties, good times, lessons, in-jokes, all the usual stuff that you do in high school and when I left it my total number of friends? Four. Total number of buddies-who-are-in-fact-not-friends? Countless.

These Four are the ones that I love. I realise that as people move on with their lives, they will eventually lose touch. My four high school friends and I are not as close as we were and I'm ok with that. I have come to terms with that. People grow up and start living their own lives and run in different circles and eventually the friendship that you built wont be the same as it once were. I understand that. But I am also very thankful that these four came into my life and make it better. Years down the road even if we are no longer keeping in touch I will still remember them for who they were and how they made me feel. Even if these Four are no longer with me, they will always have a special place in my heart where I will cherish them forever. And to each one of them, I am truly thankful.

When I started college, I had a game plan. Study here for two years and then fly off coz I'm doing an international degree program. Two years here, two years in a foreign country of my choice. They call it a twinning program. I call it getting away from my parents. I had a game plan all set out. Do the two years gig, fly off, stay off the radar, don't get involved and as for friends? Puhleaaaze. This is a private college. People in private colleges are usually rich, spoilt, backstabbing bitches so the friends issue is really a non-issue. Plus who actually are good enough to replace the Four that I already have? No one, that's who.

As I was stuck in traffic today I realise that my game plan was not bulletproof as I initially thought. Somehow along the way, my game plan made a detour. And the result of the detour is the revelation that I am fucked. I have friends in college, the friends as defined by my life dictionary. I actually do without noticing it until today. And I am fucked because we are all in the same program and one day they will all leave me. I am fucked because I have friends now even though I didn't want to and now that I do, the thought that one day we will all go separate ways to complete our degrees is making me...emotional.

• I realized that one day, he and I will no longer have the pseudo-intellectual bullshit conversations made colourful with our need to constantly insult each other. I can no longer flake out on him at the last possible minute. We probably will not have more deep talks about discrimination, sexism and racism that usually will end with the theory that if people would just masturbate more and eat more cupcakes then the world would be a much better place.I will miss all of that.

• I realized that one day, she and I will no longer be able to to have our spur-of-the-moment-in-jokes that only we could get. No more going for spas and comparing who has more drama between us. No more bitchy commentaries in the cinemas. No more collaboration effort of stalking people we do not like. And most of all, Zan can no longer make fun of the differences in our heights. I will miss all of that.

• I realized that one day I wont be able to hear the lame puns that she likes to make so much. Or see the way she gives her little head nods with her eyes all wide open when she is in one of her "Indeed, I am wiser than you" moods. I won't be able to give her hugs just coz she looks so hugable that day. I will no longer hear unwanted random commentaries about the size of my ass... and have particularly amusing conversations with her when she is drunk on a weeknight. I will miss all of that.

I don't easily accept people as my friends and when I do, I do not take my friendships for granted. Its great that I actually have people that I care enough for to call my friends...its fucked up that one day we will all be going our separate ways.