Yeah baby....multiple times

I know I said I’m on a hiatus but I just need to share this with you guys:

 

I watched Duplicity last night. Waaaaaaaaahhh, first movie I watched in the cinema here and it got Clive Owen walking around wrapped in a towel. And shirtless. And you know….in a towel.

 

It was so hot, I got a headache just watching that movie. He is so sexy, I cannot tahan!! Okay on the minus side of it he was sexing up Julia Roberts like nobody’s business but I like her and when I watch the sexy scene…..it’s just like something I’ve imagined in my head over and over again. Only he’s doing all that to me. Me bitches, me. Not Julia. Go away bitch, you got a husband and twins. Stop messing around with my man.

 

 

I want to tell you the movie is good. I want too. But I can’t. Cause I couldn’t pay attention. Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure what was goin on. Seriously. He was so hot, I cannot even think straight. I was just sitting there, absorbing the beauty and the hotness that came hand in hand in the form of Clive when my friend had to whisper to me

 

 

“If you don’t shut your mouth now, I would need to staple it shut. I swear to God CD.”

 

 

So in conclusion, Clive is a hot mofo. I want to do him. Why won’t he do me? Cause I would totally let him do me.

 

 Multiple times.

 

Firemen and zombies...Oh my!

For the last 3 days I have been obsessively going through youTube searching for.........me. First I searched for "Since You've Been Gone" and then I realised....how the hell would white-Honda Jazz-fuckface knows that I was rocking out to that song? I mean, does that fucker have supersonic hearing or something?



So I searched for "traffic jam singing" and have go through like a shitload of videos of people who videotaped themselves singing in cars during traffic jams. I felt somehow better watching these videos because clearly, I am not the only idiot who throw "concerts" during traffic jams. Then I went on to be more specific, throwing in words like "Malaysian traffic jam", "crazy girl in car", "fat crazy girl in car", "stupid idiot in car singing" and then when all else fail I typed in "ossum singing girl traffic jam".........and lo and behold...... I found nothing!



This is bullshit.


This is when my brother buzzed me over MSN.......




"Adik tau tak ada movie zombie baru?"
*Do you know there's a new zombie movie out?




"Meh, apsal lak Adik nak tengok citer zombie?"
*Meh, why would I want to watch a zombie movie now?




"Bukan hari tu adik hantar link calendar zombie kat Abang ke?"
*Did you not sent me zombie calendar link the other day?




"Excuse me, I sent you that cause they are Pinups Zombies. Not just any zombies."





"What's the difference?"





"Pinup zombies maksud nyer lagi cantik lah. Pinup zombies! Pinup zombies....Am I getting through to you?"
*It means that since they are zombie pinups...therefore they are prettier than your average zombies.




"Abang rasa gambar pinup yang ko suka sangat tu nampak macam sluts jer."
*I think those pinup girls that you like so much look like sluts.




"..........................................Why are you intentionally hurting me?"





"Cause I can. You're too easy. Never a challenge to pissed you off when we were kids."





"Adik tak nak chat ngan Abang lagi. Nak merajuk. Goodbye."
*I don't wanna chat with you anymore. I want to sulk. Goodbye.




"Poyoh!!! Tengok link ni! Best! Tajuk dia "Quarantine"."
*Big baby! Check out this link. It's the best! It's called "Quarantine".




"Fine, I'll humour you. But this is just because we are related by blood. Not because I harbor any affections for you. I want you to know that so that you won't be confused or anything."

"When did my little sister got to be so bitchy? Oh wait, I know. The day you were born right?"

My brother is a he-bitch but that's a given cause I think bitchiness is like a family trait or something. I watched his stupid link anyways. The supposedly "best" zombie movie ever. Looks like crap until the 0:51 mark.

Holy Mother of God!!!!! Is that a fireman at 0:51? Wait, wait....there are several firemen. Dude.....this movie just been elevated from "crap" to "OSSUM" in my book. So then I abandoned my brother on MSN and went in search of more "Quarantine" related videos and I found more trailers. With more firemen in it !!!!!! This one especially.

Firemen!!!! Everywhere. Okay fine, I noticed there are zombies too. But fuck it! Firemen! OMG!!!! I'm soooo horny excited now I cannot even think straight. Here's a synopsis of the movie:

"Television reporter Angela Vidal and her cameraman are assigned to spend the night shift with a Los Angeles Fire Station..........."

What comes after "Los Angeles Fire Station" in that synopsis is really not important. I don't really give a fuck. But if there's "Fire Station" involved that means it would involve a lot of men running around in those orange uniforms.....with the hats right? Holy crap!!!!!!!!!! This is like...........a dream come true. Minus the zombies of course. Wait wait.......apparently this movie is a remake of a successful Spanish thriller, with the same format and all...............................................you guys know what this means right?

Spanish firemen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!! Where can I get the original version of this movie? No seriously bitches. Anyone knows? C'mon! Spanish firemen!!!!!!! If those two words combined did not give you an orgasm, then you my friend, is a robot. Or a straight man. In which case, I apologize profusely for this post. And to show how sincerely sorry I am, here is the Spanish trailer. With Spanish firemen. Mwahahahahha!!!

Now, I'm off for a quick icy cold shower. *wink wink nudge nudge*

Priorities. I haz dem.

If any of you have been following this blog for a while, you would notice that I only blog on 3 days of the week: Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Don't ask me why those days, it just seems like a good idea. Of course you would also notice that I missed a post yesterday and I have perfectly good reason for that:

Clive Owen.

See, awesome reason. No one can dispute that....But let me take it from the top.


I do not know those good people who are working in HBO Asia, but whoever they are; I hope one day I would get to cross paths with them and tell them how awesome they are. How everyday for the rest of my life I will always think of them in my prayers, how one day 1000 cupcakes with the words "Thank You" on it, in strawberry icing (no less) would appear on their doorsteps magically, how I only wish the best for them and their families. Yes, people-working-in-HBO Asia: The Constantly Dramatic One hearts you.

On Tuesday night, those people who work in HBO Asia has graciously played two Clive Owen movies back to back.

Back to back. Inside Man and then Children of Men.

Ohmygawd.

Shit's better than pr0n man.

Much, much better. I thought I was coming down with a fever. Turned the AC on, but that didn't help one bit. Nope, not at all....


Let's talk about Children of Men. See in that movie, they want us to believe that its the year 2027 and the world have become this incredibly horrible place. Women can no longer give birth and the world's population is dying because well, there's no more children. But really, casting Clive in it kinda completely defeats the whole purpose of the movie. It makes no sense. How could the world be horrible and desolated when Clive's there looking ruggedly and supremely hot. And how could women NOT get pregnant when Clive's around? I mean, that shit makes no sense. Its like saying gravity doesn't exists.

This bitch is sooo lucky that she has a baby or I would have layeth the smacketh down on her sorry ass.

And who says the world is horrible just cause there are no children in it. Seriously? Stop creating drama when there is none. Who the hell wrote the script for this movie anyways? I mean.......I don't want to be the bitch who says it but y'all know my view on children. And plus this also means that I can have kinky monkey sex with Clive without protection and I won't get pregnant?.........Huhu sign me up bitches! Sounds like a good time to me. *wink wink nudge nudge*


Of course the whole Clive Owen movie marathon ended round 3am on Thursday. I would have blogged then.....but I forgotten cause I was busy finishing a whole box of chocolate by myself and then still need to have a cold shower cause the chocolates didn't work... already sleepy.


So I'm sorry that I abandon you guys for Clive, but c'mon....girl gotta have her priorities. Riiiiittttteeeeeee..........

27 donkey balls

27 Dresses sucks donkey balls. There I say it. Definite spoiler ahead, please don't read if you think of wasting your time on this movie sometime in the future. Let the bitching commence!

So there's a chick. Her name is Jane. She really likes weddings. Weddings is her "calling". She says that in the beginning of the movie just because of something that happened when she was 8 years old. A cousin who happens to be a bride ripped her dress and she helped the bride fixed it hence she found her calling as bridesmaid. She even likened herself to the likes of Picasso, Mozart and all the other musical greats.

Bitch please. You just sew the dress back on with a ribbon.

And who finds her calling as bridesmaid? Honestly. If you like weddings so much than become a wedding planner since through the movie all she does is plans the wedding for the brides. She does all the planning -without payment and out of the kindness of her heart- all 27 weddings. Doormat much?

You know which part of the movie is the moment that I realized that I just wasted 1 1/2 hours of my life? When she, Jane attended two weddings a night. As the bridesmaid. Oh of course there's nothing wrong with that but guess what it was Christian wedding and an Indian wedding in a night. So she struck the deal with the cab driver $300 if he would just cater her up and down from both weddings. She will cut 20bucks each time he looks behind as she is changing.

So this woman, took off her dress and go stark naked in the back of a cab and trusted that the cab driver to not look. She also changed from a dress into a sari in the back of the cab.

Changed into a sari. At the back of a cab.

Yeah right. Please I know there is such a thing as suspension of disbelief. I give you that. But changing into a sari at the back of a cab is just pushing it. First of have you ever worn a sari? I haven't but I seen people do. And trust me, its a bitch. It requires at least 2 people to tie it properly for you and it also requires the person in the sari to be standing up. So how that woman managed to change into a sari at the back of the cab and come off looking pristine is beyond me. And who the fuck goes naked at the back of a cab?

Pssssss babes, You're wearing the sari backwards.

Lets examine this. A man is driving the cab. A man that is a complete stranger. And then you come in and stripped at the back of the cab. Excuse me! Are you insane?!! Do you wanna get raped? Weren't this shot in New York? Like which crazy bitch stripped at the back of a cab and thinks its all fine and dandy? Stupid bitch, he could have drove you anywhere and then call his buddies up and the next day you will be in front of the paper "Stupid bitch gang raped by cab drivers. Body found in a torn sari by the Manhattan river".

And oh get this, Katherine Heigl who looks like this:

Plays the dumpy sister. Now lets just scroll back up to the picture above and think about that again.......

You can of course say "CD, she's just acting. That's what she do. She's an actress." Now, see... I know that. I am after all a student of the mass communication lore. That is of course speaking logically. But fuck that shit. If she is the dumpy sister, than WHAT THE HELL AM I?!! Have you seen my sister? Have you seen me? Oh woe self esteem, where have you gone too? Fucking Hollywood. Giving me inferior complex.

Fuck you Hollywood!! Fuck you!

Screw this. I'm not eating till next Thursday.

Ohhhhh....Mr. Bennet.......

Now I know that I say I was gonna post my sister's nikah photos up, but the thing is we are still waiting for all the photos to be send to us. Also we only be getting the pics from the professional photographers in two weeks time. So be patient, I only want the best for you Drama Lovers.

So the day after the wedding, the Constantly Dramatic One was sitting downstairs, all alone and noticing for the first time how lonely the house feels without her....when Pride and Prejudice came on HBO. The one with Keira Knightley in it. In my opinion that bitch ruins that movie and Jane Austen would have a seizure in her grave if she knows that Knightley is playing her beloved Lizzie Bennet. I mean for the love of all that is holy- Lizzie was not a skinny anorexic bitch that unnecessarily pouts all the damn time. Why? Why does Knightley always have to make this face all the motherfucking time?


I mean I truly believe that she is indeed a beautiful woman. She has cheekbones that I would give my left butt cheek to have. Plus she is also smart and talented, which is something extraordinary in Hollywood these days. To actually be talented. So why bitch? Why? Why must you make that goddamn face all the time?

It makes me wanna smack you.
Until you bleed.
Seriously.


Anyways, moving on. The only reason I stayed on watching is because Mr.Darcy is dreamy. Grey Anatomy's fans claim that Doctor Shepard is McDreamy, no people. Mr.Darcy is the original McDreamy. It doesn't matter what form he comes in, who acts as him, Mr.Darcy is that one character that would eternally be dreamy. And in the wise words of Christina Aguilera "He's a one stop shop, makes the panties drop." - since 1813.





So anyways its been ages since I read the book or watched any of the movies when I realise something. Particularly bout Lizzie's parents: Mr. and Mrs.Bennet. Here is a couple that have been married for about.........20 odd years or so. And yet they call each other Mr. and Mrs. Bennet. I mean, they produced five daughters between them and yet they don't call each other by their first names. Do you see where I am going here? I mean, do you think that when they doing the nasty they call each other Mr and Mrs Bennet?


"Oooooh Mr. Bennet, yes yes yes YES!!!!"
"Oh Mrs. Bennet, you dirty, diiiiirrrty girl."
"Mrs. Bennet I can't stand it anymore, I have too....ooooohhh Mrs. Bennet!"

Kinky ain't it? Jane Austen, I bow down in wonder. I know if there is justice in this world, one day I would be sayin...

"OOhhh Mr.Owen, I do like it that way."

Jim Carrey should not have nude scenes

I just watched the movie The Number 23.







I don't get why so many people criticize it for being crap. It's not that bad. It tries to be clever but in the end it all falls apart. The first half was good, the second half of the movie felt rushed and contrive. Also its kinda disturbing that it involves a whole lot of sex scenes. Jim Carrey sex scenes. You read that right.

Jim Carrey. Sex scenes.

When you seen Jim Carrey's ass thrusting out a couple of times, trust me on this; you will lose faith in humanity. My fucking eyes hurt.

But I'm not here to talk about the movie. Or the fact that the Constantly Dramatic One is now scarred for life from seeing Jim Carrey's white skinny ass in multiple sex scenes, I'm here to talk about the ending.........At the end of the movie you see the Bible reading from Numbers 23:32 .........



"Be sure that your sins will find you out."



I guess I'm fucked then for I have sin.

And seen Jim Carrey's ass. Multiple times.

In the name of my ASS

Seeing that the Constantly Dramatic One is a self-proclaimed movie elitist, I made it a point to watch indie, foreign and artistic films as much as I can. To say that I don't watch commercial movie is of course not true. I watch them but when I do I'll pay attention to the film makers instead of the actors. I watch movies for the artistic direction, the cinematography, the camera execution, the flawless editing and most of all I prefer dramatic movies that requires thinking as opposed to stupid dumb ass action movies that glorify mindless explosions and women in skanky clothing in every possible scene.



And in case you're wondering, I had never watch any of the James Bond or Pirates of the Caribbean movies because I loathe Jerry Bruckheimer. Asshole does not have what it takes to become a film maker. All his movies are stunt scenes after another. Big explosion, fights, tits, rinse and repeat. His script is laughable but last night...last night I've seen a movie worst than any Bruckheimer could possibly dreamt up.



I have seen In the Name of the King.


Holy mother of all that is pure and true: this is the Mother Load. The mother load of all stupidity and cheesy special effects and ridiculously piece of shit script crammed into a two hours fiasco. This movie was sooo bad, so damn bad, I wanted to blind myself in the cinema by shoving popcorn into my eyes. It was so bad that fifteen minutes into the movie I wanted to bang my head on the seat in front of me. It was soooo bad, words and dramatics failed me. As I sat there watching this movie plays out its dumb ass plot, I could feel my braincells dying and it occurred to me that I will never graduate from college because this movie has single handedly killed all my braincells in the span of two hours.


I'm not even gonna elaborate on the so-called plot because it is in my opinion the plot was non-existent in this movie. There was no such thing as a plot in this movie. The script was sooo damn cheesy, I could vomit blood and die on the spot. The director, some bugger named Uwe Boll should be tied to a tree and stoned to death. Anyone who insulted my IQ incessantly for two hours straight deserve to be tied to a tree and then stoned to death. Seriously. You had no direction, you had no skill and bitch, more doesn't always means better. Bruckheimer seems like a directing God when compared to you.


Surprisingly this piece of shit movie actually have a very decent, nay credible group of cast. You have Jason Statham that had done some swell work through his British gangsters movie and more prominently the Transporter franchise. There's John Rhys-Davies who is renowned for his stage work and most widely known to the new generation of movie goers as Gimli son of Gloin from LOTR. There's Matthew Lillard, always given the quirky, annoying little roles that he would make it his an even though the man would probably win no Oscars in his lifetime but each performance is worth remembering and most of all, the reason why I actually gave this movie a passing chance is because of a certain Mr. Ray Liotta .


Why Ray? Why? Why do you do this to me? I have so much respect for you as an actor ever since I watched Goodfellas. You were so incredible in it that every time I watch that movie, I watch it in bated anticipation. I know the plot and the script by heart but each time I press play on the DVD player, I become giddy with anticipation. I have watched the Goodfellas 11 times now and each time you captivates me with your performance. You play the mob lord like no one else could. Sure there's Pacino and De Niro before you and yes they were incredible as well but you Ray, you were the new wave of the 90es mob lords along side Garcia. You made one of the greatest mob movie in the history of film what it is. So much respect for you Ray, so much. And then you went and got yourself a part in this abomination.

Disappointment Ray. It hurts.

Seriously people, if you value your braincells then I beg you please don't watch this movie. About 10 people walked out of the cinema the night I went to watch it. People threw popcorn to the screen after it ended. And I wasn't even being dramatic. Its just sooo bad, sooo very bad that it pains me to my soul. But all in all, at least this stinker have some damn laughable lines. Not as good as "the Government would never lie to us ", it does however, have "I could sense him inside of you." An unplanned double entendre, amusing when everything else makes you want to gauge your eyes out.

"The government would never lie to us."

The Constantly Dramatic One just came back from watching the midnight show of Alien VS Predator Requiem. And the verdict?



Blaaaaah........



Of course, don't take my word for it. Bear in mind musicals is more my cup of tea and given between an insanely boring/horrendous/stupid movie and an action movie, you can bet your ass that I would pick anything but the action movie. But as it is, Saturday nights are usually family movie night. That's right. We still go out to watch movies as a family.



We been doing it since about 12 years ago and we still doing it now. It used to be fun but now more like a chore but it keeps Mom and Dad happy so there you go. Over the years we are missing one son in our Saturday movie nights and now with my sister impending wedding....well let's just say that Mom and Dad is trying to cram in as many Saturdays as they can before there's only three of us left to 'enjoy' our Saturday ritual. Its kinda sad. But life goes on.



So anyways, Dad watch nothing else but action movies. Give him something with a little thinking to do, a little intellectual conversations or even a plot line and he will bitch about it. All the way. All through the movie. His type of movies is where there guns and explosions and tanks and people killing each other and the most crucial of all: the movie MUST NOT have any plots whatsoever and yes he would dig it. He calls it action movies. I call it mind numbing boredom.



So there I was in the movie. And I was vaguely aware there's some slimy Aliens going at it with some thing called the Predator. They fight. Predator bleeds neon green blood. Aliens still slimy. Some chick gets half naked by the pool for the obligatory body shot of any given Hollywood movie that targets male aged 12-36.

Note to directors and producers:

To actually have a tits and ass scene, the female in question must actually HAVE tits and ass.

Anyways, guns shooting. People running. Some kid got killed. Battle scene in the rain. Some chick in the audience screamed. Some teenage boys shouted approval. Dad watches in awe. The Constantly Dramatic One yawns. When the fuck is this movie gonna end?




Then came the obligatory argument scene between the survivors. The Sheriff wants to go to the centre of the town where some Sargent promised him that there will a chopper coming to evict the survivors. Conman-childhood-best-friend says its a ruse, and we must all brave through the Alien infested town's hospital to the emergency helicopter and "get the hell out of here!!". Then one lady who's on the Sheriff's side said what possibly be the best line uttered in the whole history of film making:

"The government would never lie to us."

.......................................................................................................................................

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA!!!!


Oh my gawd!!! That shit is awesome!!! It beats everything. No famous quote from any other movie would get to top this. Not "One Ring to Rule them all". Not "Buckle up. Its going to be a bumpy ride." Not "I make him an offer he can't refuse". Not "Look Ma. I'm on top of the world!" Nope. None of that. "The government would never lie to us" is OFFICIALLY the best movie quote that would ever grace the history of film making. Its so awesome that I think I would have it on my tombstone.

Here lies the Constantly Dramatic One

Sept 21st 198* -

"The government would never lie to her."

Shit, that was brilliant. I had never had a better laugh in my entire life. I just checked out IMDB and the script for the movie was written by one Shane Salerno.


Shane Salerno , the Constantly Dramatic One bows down and stare in wonder at your sense of irony.

P/S:

A cookie to anyone that could named the title of the movies with the famous quotes in them. And be specific.

Under my non-existing Christmas tree

Christmas is around the corner and every time I think Christmas, I think that Hugh Grant movie Love Actually. Now that's one of the ultimate feel-good-movie there ever was. I never receive a Christmas gift which is no surprise coz I don't celebrate Christmas. That doesn't stop the Constantly Dramatic One from loving the holiday seasons though. There's just something in the air. So with that thought in mind I present to you the Constantly Dramatic One's wish list. Notice I did not specify which gift list...could easily double up as...*cough* birthday list *cough*. Ahem.

Things I would like to find under my non-existing Christmas tree:

Miss Dior Platform Pump
Doesn't' this just remind you of those heels Barbie used to wear from back in the day when we still play with dolls?

"Rock the Boat" dress that I have been wanting for over a year now. A WHOLE YEAR. From alight.com.

The 10th Kingdom miniseries

Boston Legal (Season 1-3)

The Great American Pin-Up

• Threading Hair Removal Training Kit


• And a full body massage either from Circle Art of Massage or Jentayu Spa.

So...hint hint....

Film Nerds.

It sucks being broke, but there are such thing as 'deserving, fulfilling broke'.

My current predicament is such as that.


There's a French Film Festival goin on is a local cinema here, well okies, in GSC. And being the wannabe-artsy-fartsy-pretentious-snob/poser that I am, I just have to go watch it. Hey, just because I'm a poser, doesn't mean that I don't enjoy art house and/or international movies ok. I am all about that daaaahhling. Watching an art house movie or an international movie that requires reading the subtitles (yes, I'm talking to you, you Lazy) is an expansion of the mind. There are other things that are better than the mainstream garbage that Hollywood churns out every year. Pirates of the Caribbean? I won't touch that with a 40feet pole. I admire the revenue that it must bring in but I mock the non-intellectuality of that ...'movie'.





More like garbage, really.





Now, excuse me while I go find a place to hide as millions of POTC fans come after me with pitchforks screaming "Burn the witch at the stake!! She mocks o' holy POTC! Blasphemy!".





I plan to watch only one film which is Hors de Prix (Priceless), so I called up Cheesecakeerian to see if she wanna join me and she said that she would. She lives around the area so its easy to get to there. Something that I am forever jealous of. The fact that she lives near my favourite shopping mall and that she even do her grocery shopping there. And I live in, literally, another town. I'm serious, it takes me half an hour to drive from home to college everyday. That's not including rush hour traffic.

Rush hour traffic is a bitch.

That film is excellent by the way and the then we decided that we gonna watch another French film- Mon Meilleur Ami (My Best Friend). Not as good as the first one coz its slow but towards the end, its some heartwarming stuff. I was tearing a bit in the cinema. HAHAHA. After that we watched another film- La Science de Reves (The Science of Sleep). This is my favourite one out the three. Surrealism at its very best. So that's 3 films in a row. Yup.

In one day.

Hey, some people drink. Some people do drugs. Some people, mainly film nerds, watch 3 films in a row. Coz that's what film nerds do.Plus its not like the French Film Festival is around for a long time, its like here for only 10 days and they're showing 7 films only. So 3 out of 7 is good.

I heart international flicks.

Because of that 3 films in a row, I am now broke. Lovely. But its worth it. Next up is the Japanese Film Festival... think I'm gonna do 4 in a row for that. Heh.

Btw, I'll be writing movie reviews of the 3 movies I've seen in the weeks to come. Because on top of being a an artsy-fartsy-pretentious-snob, I am also a movie critic ;-p