Monday, January 21, 2008

In the name of my ASS

Seeing that the Constantly Dramatic One is a self-proclaimed movie elitist, I made it a point to watch indie, foreign and artistic films as much as I can. To say that I don't watch commercial movie is of course not true. I watch them but when I do I'll pay attention to the film makers instead of the actors. I watch movies for the artistic direction, the cinematography, the camera execution, the flawless editing and most of all I prefer dramatic movies that requires thinking as opposed to stupid dumb ass action movies that glorify mindless explosions and women in skanky clothing in every possible scene.

And in case you're wondering, I had never watch any of the James Bond or Pirates of the Caribbean movies because I loathe
Jerry Bruckheimer. Asshole does not have what it takes to become a film maker. All his movies are stunt scenes after another. Big explosion, fights, tits, rinse and repeat. His script is laughable but last night...last night I've seen a movie worst than any Bruckheimer could possibly dreamt up.

I have seen
In the Name of the King.

Holy mother of all that is pure and true: this is the Mother Load. The mother load of all stupidity and cheesy special effects and ridiculously piece of shit script crammed into a two hours fiasco. This movie was sooo bad, so damn bad, I wanted to blind myself in the cinema by shoving popcorn into my eyes. It was so bad that fifteen minutes into the movie I wanted to bang my head on the seat in front of me. It was soooo bad, words and dramatics failed me. As I sat there watching this movie plays out its dumb ass plot, I could feel my braincells dying and it occurred to me that I will never graduate from college because this movie has single handedly killed all my braincells in the span of two hours.

I'm not even gonna elaborate on the so-called plot because it is in my opinion the plot was non-existent in this movie. There was no such thing as a plot in this movie. The script was sooo damn cheesy, I could vomit blood and die on the spot. The director, some bugger named
Uwe Boll should be tied to a tree and stoned to death. Anyone who insulted my IQ incessantly for two hours straight deserve to be tied to a tree and then stoned to death. Seriously. You had no direction, you had no skill and bitch, more doesn't always means better. Bruckheimer seems like a directing God when compared to you.

Surprisingly this piece of shit movie actually have a very decent, nay credible group of cast. You have
Jason Statham that had done some swell work through his British gangsters movie and more prominently the Transporter franchise. There's John Rhys-Davies who is renowned for his stage work and most widely known to the new generation of movie goers as Gimli son of Gloin from LOTR. There's Matthew Lillard, always given the quirky, annoying little roles that he would make it his an even though the man would probably win no Oscars in his lifetime but each performance is worth remembering and most of all, the reason why I actually gave this movie a passing chance is because of a certain Mr. Ray Liotta .

Why Ray? Why? Why do you do this to me? I have so much respect for you as an actor ever since I watched
Goodfellas. You were so incredible in it that every time I watch that movie, I watch it in bated anticipation. I know the plot and the script by heart but each time I press play on the DVD player, I become giddy with anticipation. I have watched the Goodfellas 11 times now and each time you captivates me with your performance. You play the mob lord like no one else could. Sure there's Pacino and De Niro before you and yes they were incredible as well but you Ray, you were the new wave of the 90es mob lords along side Garcia. You made one of the greatest mob movie in the history of film what it is. So much respect for you Ray, so much. And then you went and got yourself a part in this abomination.

Disappointment Ray. It hurts.

Seriously people, if you value your braincells then I beg you please don't watch this movie. About 10 people walked out of the cinema the night I went to watch it. People threw popcorn to the screen after it ended. And I wasn't even being dramatic. Its just sooo bad, sooo very bad that it pains me to my soul. But all in all, at least this stinker have some damn laughable lines. Not as good as "the Government would never lie to us ", it does however, have "I could sense him inside of you." An unplanned double entendre, amusing when everything else makes you want to gauge your eyes out.


Tinesh said...

American Gangster jgn dilupakan ya?

Quin said...

welcome to hollywood.

between the concept and the end result is a huge maw... enter producers, the studio, and a wealth of others. if you don't have a director who has a great deal of control over the film, what happens is what you saw.


plot b is, a film that sucked from beginning to end, and a group of actors who don't care. it's a paycheck.

Anonymous said...

Did you get your money back?

constant_drama said...


Fo sho'. I have a car and a 4 hours break on Monday. 12-4pm? We go watch then?


I am gona go with Plot B. It sucks donkey balls.


No I did not!! So annoying.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

So, let me get this straight: You did not like this movie?